


Reawakening

by J_Antebellum



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Angst, F/F, Love, Romance, Spoiler: Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:53:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 22
Words: 50,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23283562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/J_Antebellum/pseuds/J_Antebellum
Summary: Ashlyn and Ali had everything. Marriage, Olympic gold medal, were thinking about hanging up their boots and making a family... and then Ashlyn's cancer diagnose came.And their lives would change forever.A/N: Obviously I treat Ashlyn and Ali as characters here for the sake of a story, and I don't wish any bad to the real them, to whom I wish all the good and love in the world!
Relationships: Ashlyn Harris/Ali Krieger
Comments: 92
Kudos: 95





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> Hoping you're all taking good care of yourselves with this Covid madness. I've ran out of the UK, where I've been living for a few months now, and returned to my hometown to support my family through these difficult times. Now I'm in lockdown ;)
> 
> Even though you probably hate me if you've been following my other fics and seen I've barely updated in the past year, I'm happy to finally announce I wrote ten fanfics, all Krashlyn, in the past year. One of them even has a part 2, so it's actually eleven fanfics. So anyway, now that we have these hard times I think all of us in lockdown locked in our flats for minimum a month will appreciate having stuff to read and get entertained, even if it's just fics, so I think it's the best moment to bring all the stories at once. Enjoy!
> 
> Also if you want to talk with me, ask when the next chapter pops or whatever, I'm jantebellum in Tumblr, so feel free to message me or send some anon over there!
> 
> Much love xx

Ashlyn stared at her beautiful wife in disbelief. They had just made love quite intensely for the last few hours, or actually, the last few days, as after winning the Olympics they had gone to Bora Bora on honeymoon and, well, things had gotten quite hot. It's what happened when you lived in a cabin surrounded by crystal clear beaches of white sand, with no gossipers or paparazzi for miles and miles, with the love of your life.

Now, Ali slept like the dead, and Ashlyn, who had been awoken by the cold on her ass when it had somehow gotten out of the sheets, had snuggled back around Ali, holding her close, and was smiling like a fool admiring her wife. She just couldn't believe she had nailed such a good, wonderful, sexy person as her wife. She. Ashlyn. Marrying someone like Ali. God, she wished she could tell her eight-year-old self how things were going to go, and she would've never doubted she'd end up with someone truly good.

Before she realized though, Ashlyn had fallen back asleep, and then awoken by the alarm, announcing they had to finish packing and get to the airport.

“Wake up princess,” Ashlyn used her softest voice to awake her German beauty. “Guten morgen meine liebe.”

“Hmm,” Ali frowned and pressed her face harder against Ashlyn's warm, soft chest, ignoring the rousing hand Ashlyn kept on her cheek. “Sleep.”

“You can sleep more in the plane,” Ashlyn pressed her lips against the older woman's forehead. “Let's just pack the last few bits and go, and the sooner we make it to the plane, the sooner you can sleep, angel.” They had arranged a private jet to return to Florida, just like they had on the way to Bora Bora. It was part of the honeymoon dream.

“How come you are awake?” Ali murmured opening one eye and stretching, groaning, while her hands came to Ashlyn's shoulders to pull herself up. “You of all people...”

“Must be the excitement to see our baby girls again,” Ashlyn chuckled, kissing her lips, and loving Ali's smile against her tender lips. Their girls were nothing but their dogs, Storm and Logan, but they were by all means their babies. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Ali pecked her lips one last time and sat up, stretching her muscular arms over her head. “Thanks for waking me up, we do have quite a bit to do...”

“Tons,” Ashlyn hugged her from behind and, making her giggle, started to nip and kiss her neck from behind. “So much...”

**. . .**

“Ugh, I've got a bit of a headache,” Ashlyn closed her eyes for a moment, pinching the bridge of her nose lightly and releasing a long breath. Christmas was with her mother's side of the family this year, and she had spent the morning carrying around boxes of decorations to help her mother and uncle and dealing with three rambunctious little children, her two nephews and her niece. “Porter, for the last time no climbing on the cabinets buddy!” she added hurriedly as she opened her eyes to see her youngest nephew, only weeks from 2 years old, trying to climb using drawers. She reached her long arms to grab him and pulled him down.

“Porter buddy, come here!” Ali was such a life saver. She made him run to her by waving a toy and then gave it to him to get distracted while they carried the final boxes to the living room. She smiled compassionately at her wife and kissed her cheek. “Is it too bad?”

Ashlyn's eyes fixed on her beautiful brunette with her funny reindeer jumper, and smirked, shaking her head.

“Nothing is too bad if you're around,” she wrapped her arms around her and kissed her cheek soundly. “God, but are our children going to be climbing around everywhere? Do we have to childproof the ceiling?”

Ali laughed, patting her cheek gently.

“Babe, according to your whole family, you were way more rambunctious, miss goalkeeper! I'd expect our children to run around a lot, at the very least...”

“Oh man...”

“Don't worry, your brain will produce chemicals that will make you love them no matter what. Even when they puke on our carpeted floors.”

Ashlyn snorted a laugh.

“Well, bless the chemicals then!”

However, the headache didn't quite vanish, so by dinner time, she accepted her mother's offer of a painkiller, and relaxed with Ali lounging on the sofa, which seemed to calm it a little while, after her nephews, niece, and cousins had left the house for the night. They were quietly talking with Ashlyn's mother, step-father, brother, future sister-in-law, aunt and uncle, watching the Christmas tree's lights, and Ashlyn could've almost fallen asleep with the way Ali was absently stroking the back of her head as she held a glass of bourbon in her free hand and chatted amicably with their relatives. All was good.

On their very first wedding anniversary, Ashlyn was feeling particularly romantic. She woke Ali up with sex, because why not? And grinned when Ali presented her with a beautiful new bracelet, all full of shining diamonds, as an anniversary present. Ashlyn had bought her new earrings Ali had been begging for, with a little heart engraved in the back, so both women had new jewellery to brag about when they went to have lunch with the family, still in Satellite Beach.

But later, when they had plenty of time to get a romantic walk through Ashlyn's childhood beaches, holding hands, it was just them.

“I'm going to retire next year,” Ali announced abruptly, smiling at her as they sat on a towel on the sand watching the sunset with hands over each other. Ashlyn turned to her with raised eyebrows, fully surprised.

“I thought you were going to play for another couple years?”

“Actually, I haven't stopped thinking about it pretty much since you asked me to marry you,” Ali confessed, her tiger brown eyes fixing on the horizon as she held Ashlyn's hand between her own, hugging her arm slightly as she pressed her temple against Ashlyn's shoulder. “And I always come down to the same thought. There is so much more I want to do, Ash. Not just kids, but... the camps, the coaching licenses, maybe coach a team in the NWSL or buy a team... and all the projects we've planned together too, like modelling. And every birthday feels like I'm running out of time.”

“You're thirty-seven, no need to be dramatic,” Ashlyn's voice was mocking but tender, her cheek coming to rest on the long dark hair.

“At our age, both of our parents already had us, Ash. You were almost five by then, as a matter of fact.”

“And my parents aren't as professionally accomplished as us,” Ashlyn pointed out, “and yours, are, yet were never professional athletes. It's different for us, Alex, we have to write our own story, we shouldn't stress about age.”

“But I do. I want to be pregnant, Ash. And chances go down every year I turn, not to mention I would like to be a grandmother, and at this rhythm I'll be dead before our kids are old enough to have kids...”

The confession made Ashlyn pull away to look at her straight in the eye. They had frequently discussed parenthood, but lately adoption had seemed set in stone, with age being one important factor. Ali had never before expressed such a strong desire to go through a pregnancy and birth.

“I thought we were going to adopt?”

“For sure,” Ali nodded, looking apologetic. “I just... I'm sorry, I wasn't too sure before but... I've thought a lot about it and now I'm sure I'd like to retire from soccer a little bit early and get pregnant. We can always adopt at any point, but to be pregnant the younger the better, right? Even if it's just once... I'd just really want to know how that experience is like. All the girls always tell such interesting stories and... It just feels right for me. Don't be mad...”

“I'm not mad,” Ashlyn side smiled small, squeezing her hand. “Babe, you know all I want is a family with you, I don't care in the slightest how we do it, as long as we get it. I don't care if we have disabled children, if they're black or white, boys or girls... I want them however they come. And if you want to be pregnant, as long as you are absolutely, hundred percent sure... bloody yes I want to support you, it would be the coolest thing!”

“Really?” Ali's excitement came up again.

“Really,” Ashlyn kissed her. “But if that's your plan now, are you completely sure? Because as far as I know, this wasn't the plan a year ago, and if this is really what you want then retirement should really happen rather soon...”

“I'm sure. I always did toy with the idea, it just...” Ali shrugged. “I guess I wasn't ready to give soccer up yet, so adoption became a stronger idea. But I'm sure I'm ready now. We've done it all, I'm happy to hang my boots once this NWSL season is over, so we can save some more money, because I'm sure that, by thirty-eight, I'll need a full fertility treatment right?”

“We'll cross the bridge when we get there, and I will support you every step of the way,” Ashlyn took her hand in hers and brought it to her lips. “And will you work while pregnant? In other stuff I mean.”

“Likely. Probably will focus on coaching licenses and the camps, go through the pregnancy starting in the off season... then once they're born, I'll see. Maybe be a stay home mum for a little bit. What about you? You were also thinking of retirement last we spoke about it. You said if you didn't make it to the Olympics, that'd be it, and then we both made it,” Ali grinned, proudly kissing her cheek as she remembered the happy day they had found out.

Ashlyn smiled small and sat in thoughtful quietness for a long moment, staring at the waves. Ali contemplated her without pressuring her, and then saw Ashlyn nod slowly.

“I'll play internationally until the summer,” the goalkeeper decided. “I don't even think I'll actually get any caps anyway but if I do... then until the summer. Then AD can take over, she's earned it.”

“Sure?” Ashlyn nodded. “Just six more months?”

“Yeah,” Ashlyn nodded again. “Yeah.”

Ali frowned lightly, and pursed her lips thoughtfully.

“You really are disappointed Vlatko didn't choose you more often, aren't you?”

The goalkeeper let out a bittersweet chuckle and shrugged, looking back at her wife, who knew her so well.

“I'm disappointed on the events, yes, but not on myself or Vlatko. He's gotten us to do what no one has done yet, world cup champions and gold Olympians in a row... and I know I proved I deserved to be there, I know I did wonderfully well. But I've learned sometimes you do your best, and you deserve stuff, and you earn it, and you still don't get it, for whichever the circumstances. I mean, look at Kopmeyer. She was Hope's shadow in Seattle, then mine in Orlando, and in the end? She's gotten no chance to be a star. Just because she couldn't find the right footing. Sometimes it's just bad timing, and that's all. I'd rather leave now, head high, as long as Vlatko is still calling me up, than just having them move on from me in some ugly way.”

Ali's hand caressed her bare thigh softly, reflecting on her words, and at last nodded in agreement.

“Wise words from a wise woman. So what's the plan for you?”

“It'd be doing Orlando dirty if I suddenly retired. We have to strengthen that defence, have a second goalkeeper prepared to step up properly and do amazingly from the start once I'm gone,” Ashlyn considered. “So when the new year begins, I'll let the staff know after next year I'm out, so they have a full year to prepare everything. I'll work with them to find another goalkeeper, to prepare her and train her, and give my best to the team one last year, see if we can get just one more NWSL Championship, win twice in a row would be marvellous after all, and they're losing the both of us at once so I really want to make sure they're well-prepared when the time comes, and we don't kick their ass hard with our retirement. And I'm going to suggest to Marc that once I'm done, Syd, the comeback kid, should totally be the new captain. She's an inspiration.”

Ali chuckled and Ashlyn smiled warmly at her.

“She truly is. God, she'll be such a good captain...”

“Yeah! And she has a Floridian, Orlando-born daughter, so she's a good representative of the State and city I love. And you can I can go become mothers,” Ashlyn added with a dreamy tone, putting an arm around her and gently squeezing her shoulder full of affection. “I'll find other stuff to keep me entertained, we already have projects lined-up, and I'll give modelling a good chance, it'll be fun... and when you give birth, I'll make sure to be home loads and loads to not miss a thing and not have you go mad with motherhood.” She added teasingly, making Ali snigger.

“Then we have a deal.”

“We have a deal,” Ashlyn pulled her close and kissed her. “I love you Alibean.”

“I love you more baby boo,” Ali warmly smiled at her and cupped her face, bringing her close for another kiss once more.

  
  



	2. January camp

The two wives were invited into the first national camp of 2021 just a week after they had privately told their respective coaches and trainers about their retirement plans, aside from their own families. It wasn't public news, but they planned on making them public during the camp, to hopefully draw attention back into the team and perhaps have more people go and buy tickets, thinking of how very few opportunities left they'd have to see the girls.

And to their teammates, they broke the news on a rest day, after inviting them all for a drink to a bar near the hotel to shake off the stress and tiredness of the last few days of hard work.

“God I'm gonna miss you!” Sydney said sincerely, hugging them both at once without anyone having to leave their seats.

“Okay so let me make a toast!” Megan Rapinoe was already getting up, raising her beer. “To Krashlyn,” the friends giggled, “may you have a wonderful final year of kicking ass and be soon raising little future world champions for us to ogle over and adore. You're such great people, you deserve the bloody best, and I'm sure you're going to be terrific Mums and master whatever new path you get into. And it's been an honour playing alongside you. Cheers to you!”

“CHEERS!” the team roared raising glasses to their friends.

This camp was two weeks long, because they had grown the Tournament of the Nations and there were going to be ten countries participating in it, so they had to work harder. Ashlyn kept having some headaches on and off, not too bad, but irritating enough for her to finally let Ali convince her to tell the head of the medical team that was in the USWNT.

“It's probably just an ongoing migraine,” the doctor was saying as Ashlyn put back her clothes after a check-up. “You haven't hit your head, have you?”

“Not any time near when these headaches started,” Ashlyn replied leaping off the exam table. “And I do my neck exercises, hit the balls right... it doesn't feel like a pain from hitting something, it feels like... well, a migraine. Bit pounding headache on the worst days.”

“I'll give you some painkillers, and if it doesn't go away, we'll get you a proper full check-up in the hospital. But I wouldn't worry, you've been very stressed and stadiums are very loud, which doesn't help resolve migraines.”

“Right,” Ashlyn nodded, happy to avoid the hated hospitals at least for now. “Thank you.”

“Try being less on your phone, and no screens after dinner, uh? It'll probably help.”

Ashlyn nodded, and soon was out of the door and jogging to meet Ali, Megan, Alyssa, Becky, Kelley, Tobin and Christen for some coffee and snacks in a place they had just discovered near the hotel.

“All set?” Megan asked standing up from her seat in the lounge room, where the gals had been waiting while chatting. Ashlyn nodded, having already slipped a painkiller in her mouth while in the lift downstairs, and put an arm around her wife's shoulders.

“Let's go break our diet!” she added enthusiastically.

“You'll break the diet, I'm keeping in check,” Becky said with a chuckle.

“Oh, you say that now but wait until you see the cakes they have,” Ali teased, wrapping an arm around Ashlyn's waist as they walked incognito around the Miami streets. “When my Mum first took me there I was drooling!” she added, making them laugh. Then, she gave Ashlyn's waist a gentle squeeze and looked up into her hazel eyes as the short-haired woman turned to look at her. “So? What did the medic say?”

“To keep an eye on it, that's likely a migraine,” Ashlyn shrugged, “gave me some painkillers. And if that doesn't help, then I can get checked in the hospital, but hopefully not.”

“So you've been having headaches frequently?” asked Christen with friendly interest and concern, walking right by Tobin's side. “Bad ones?”

“Hmm... sometimes they're a bit too annoying, but not much,” replied Ashlyn. “It's just that I never used to have them, and now having them so often... don't know, just wanted to be told officially that it was just a migraine. I get hypochondriac otherwise.” Ali snorted a laugh.

“Like all the Habovicks do,” Ali commented teasingly, kissing her cheek. “Good thing I love you paranoid and all.”

Ashlyn grinned at her.

“Aren't I the luckiest?”

Alyssa faked vomit and Rapinoe joined her, giggling behind them.

“Get a room!”

They had a game the next day, so they kept things light and went to bed as early as possible to be fresh for the game. Ashlyn and Ali were both starting, which was a rare event, although it wasn't the first game they had started in that year together, it just happened that they rarely got to play at the same time anymore. They were playing the Netherlands, which were a pretty solid team, even more after how close they were of winning the World Cup two years before, and despite how good the US was playing, Ashlyn still had to come up for a few major saves through the first half.

“That was incredible,” Ali complimented her with a pat on the back and a beaming smile as they jogged back into the locker room during the half time. They were all sweaty under the intense Miami sun, but Ashlyn still gave her wife's sweaty cheek a gentle tug and smiled at her.

“Always got your back.”

“Okay ladies, we're playing against someone quite at our level,” their Coach, Vlatko Andonovski, wasn't wasting a minute as they all stormed into the locker room. “We have to step up though, okay? We only have one goal of advantage, I'd like to go up to three, at least.”

“Don't worry Vlatko, we know what they're doing now, we'll come in refreshed and prepared,” Carli reassured him, taking off the Captain's armband to change her sweaty t-shirt.

Ashlyn was beginning to feel an annoying headache once again, so she went to the adjacent toilet and threw some cold water on her face. Her vision got slightly blurry then, and she had to proceed to change her contact lenses, making sure they weren't dirty and they hadn't moved, but was soon rushing back to the lockers to hear all the Coach had to say.

It was incredibly difficult to stay in the game and keep one focused and concentrated to the maximum level after so long on the field, and when often the game wasn't on your side of the pitch, but Ashlyn jogged to be as close to the action as it was safely possible and rushed back every time she thought the ball was coming too close, and stayed focused. However when there were only about ten minutes left of game, and they were winning, although having to fight pretty hard for it, her headache had just gotten so bad it was getting hard to stay focused and now all she could think of was the pounding in her head. It felt particularly bad in one side, where the feeling was like her head was just going to explode, and she had begun to take deep breaths and groan low, checking the clock frequently in the screens and giving herself some mental encouragement to stay in the game. She'd definitely hit the doctor the next day.

Ashlyn's vision was blurry again, and now her arms had started to feel weak, and her body in general. She just felt like she had no more energy in her body, and could hardly see well enough to distinguish the ball when it was as far as it could be on the field. She grabbed her water bottle and threw herself some water over her head, trying to shake it off, to no avail.

It took her a couple minutes to realize she couldn't take it anymore. Ashlyn's legs were giving in, and she had started to walk in shaking, stumbling steps, her legs stumbling with themselves. The ball was suddenly close to her, and the defenders were running to get it, but Ashlyn saw a Holland striker was closer to it than anyone else, so she sprinted for it. However, her foot gave in and suddenly her knee was on the grass and everything was black.

  
  



	3. The monsters in the dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm warning you now this fic is the most intense emotional rollercoaster I have ever written. I can't remember how many times I cried while writing it. But stay with me and I SWEAR it's going to be beautiful in the end ;) #sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER:
> 
> All of this is FICTION. Even when there are characters named after and inspired on real people, and even when there might be real locations and historical events. It's still a FICTIONAL story, and it's not meant to detriment, insult or hurt anyone, but only with the purpose of entertainment.
> 
> I think we can all use some entertainment in our lives through these difficult times. I don't know you, but I've lost nearly everything over Covid. I no longer have a job, a career, and all my professional plans for this year are, as for now, cancelled. I can't even make any future professional plans as for now. I literally had to pack my bags, leave my first house since I moved out from my childhood home, and leave my friends there, my life there, everything, for God knows how long, so I could return home and take care of my elderly mother less than a week ago. And now I'm fighting to stay healthy so I can keep her healthy and take care of her, while we live on our savings, that's all we have left. And writing brings me a little bit of joy and for what I see, reading brings you a bit of joy too, and I think we can all use as much joy now as we can get. So that's the only purpose of fanfiction for me, nothing else, and certainly, nothing moved by some "white saviour complex" or a desire to deprecate anyone or anything.
> 
> Thank you all for your support and your comments. We will get through this, I don't know how, I don't know when, but we will. Trust me on this.

**Chapter 3: The monsters in the dark.**

Ali's eyes widened as she watched Ashlyn fall face first in slow motion, while the striker got a foot on the ball and started running towards the now unprotected goal. She willed her legs to run faster, but then her eyes fixed on Ashlyn's crown, and noticing she wasn't moving, her legs changed direction without thinking much about it, so she found herself running to Ashlyn instead, and lifting her hands up in the break gesture to get the game stopped.

“ASHLYN!” it was all her breathless body could get out, as her knees skid on the grass and her hands were automatically on her wife's shoulders. Ali's mind was going a thousand miles an hour, trying to think of any time Ashlyn might've been hit too hard, anything that could be happening, any reason why her hard-headed wife, who had never ever had to leave a game because of a fainting, heat stroke, or concussion, in her adult life, was motionless face down on the grass. She was wearing long sleeves, maybe it was a heat stroke.

Whatever it was, it had now gotten the attention of her peers, and soon they were surrounded by teammates, as Ali managed to roll Ashlyn over, with Rapinoe's assistance. The referee had stopped the game and was running to them.

“Ash! Ash!” Megan tried gently slapping Ashlyn's cheeks. The young goalkeeper was covered in sweat and looked pale and ashen, with her eyelids closed relaxedly, but slightly opened just enough to reveal a white slit. “Come on sweetie, wake up!”

“Does she have a pulse?” Carli inquired full of worry, kneeling next to the goalkeeper with them. All of them knew Ashlyn wasn't one to ever faint, or ever have to be taken out of the game unless she was seriously hurt, and Ali felt her heart drumming in her throat as she took off Ashlyn's gloves and checked for a pulse, leaning over to try and hear her breathing for confirmation. But before she had a firm answer, Ashlyn's mouth started foaming and her whole body was shaking from head to toe.

“She's having a seizure!” Becky pointed out. “Ref! We need the medics here!”

“Put her on her side! We have to make sure she doesn't swallow her tongue,” the ref said reaching them, calling on her walkie for the medical services. Ali was already on it, pulling Ashlyn to roll and be on her side and holding her with a hand behind her shoulder while her other hand dug in her tongue to open her jaw shut tight and gently tug her tongue.

The seizure barely lasted a minute, and it was enough time for the medics to arrive and start checking her vitals and preparing to put her on the stretcher and get her into the ambulance waiting on standby outside the stadium.

“Is it a heat stroke?” Ali anxiously inquired as one of the medics cut off Ashlyn's jersey and under shirt and auscultated her chest.

“Could be,” the medic responded. “Her blood pressure is very low and she has shortness of breath— oh she's awake!”

Ashlyn's eyelids had separated just a bit more and her hazel orbs were trying to focus her significantly double vision, while her face and body just felt very numb. She had no idea what was going on, all she knew was that her head really hurt and she saw blue and colours moving, everything blurry, while hands were touching her here and there. She groaned when a light was directed to her eyes.

“She seems concussed,” one medic was saying. “Ashlyn, can you hear us?”

Of course she could hear them, but Ashlyn just didn't feel like she could move anything. She was heavy, and moving her mouth seemed too much energy. Then her nose felt warm, and she heard Ali's panicked voice.

“Her nose is bleeding!”

Yeah, it certainly tasted irony in her lips. She groaned and shut her eyes close. She wanted to take the anguish away from Ali, take away whatever was saddening her, but she couldn't find the energy to move.

“Ali, could we try to sit her up against you?” one paramedic was saying, “just to make sure she doesn't choke on her blood, her nose is bleeding quite heavily.”

There was some movement and Ashlyn felt someone carefully lift her head and torso and one strong arm wrapped around her torso, while a hand crept under her armpit and up to hold her face up. And then Ashlyn felt Ali's soft cheek against her temple. God, she was going to vomit. The sudden thought seemed to somehow manifest physically, because someone commented she looked like she was going to be sick and when the vomit finally shook her, she heard it land on a solid surface, like some sort of recipient.

“There you go,” Ali's lips pressed against her temple. “Better out than in baby, you're going to be fine.” She could hear the panic in her voice, and wanted to do something about it, but her eyelids were feeling quite heavy now, while her headache hurt more, and before she knew it, she had lost consciousness again with her head thrown back on Ali's shoulder.

Her dreams were weird and rambunctious, and it felt like she had been dreaming for a very long time. Eventually, Ashlyn started to feel like she was waking up, feeling her hands against bed sheets and trying to move her fingers a little. Her headache was back, but it was very smooth now, very dull, which was good. Still, she groaned in complaint and squeezed her eyes as if that was going to help with the pain.

“Ashlyn? Baby?” Ali's voice came into her eardrums and Ashlyn registered the odd way in which it sounded, hoarse, as if Ali had been crying. Why was her love crying? Who made her cry? She frowned lightly and made an effort to push her eyes to open so she could help her wife. “Oh, sweetie... you're awake... thank God...”

Ali's face came into view, slightly blurry, and Ashlyn felt her lips on her forehead at the same time she registered a plastic mask covering her nose and mouth. She heard a chair moving and when she blinked, Ali became a clearer picture, sitting back on a chair by her bedside, holding her hand between her own, darker ones.

What Ashlyn wanted to do was blurt out a good old fashioned 'what the fuck', when she registered her general feeling of being very ill, and saw the dark hospital room around her, felt her naked butt and chest under the sheets, and started feeling all that was on her. There was a plastic tool pinching one of her index fingers that she knew, from other surgeries she had had, measured her heart rhythms, there were drips going into one of her arms, patches across her chest under the covers, a blood pressure cuff on one biceps, and the head of her bed was raised just a bit, so she got a good view of the small, dark room, which had one whole glass being an inside window, with a glass door, all of which were blurred so one couldn't clearly see through except on the upper parts, and there were curtains anyway. There was also an empty chair on the other side of her bed, next to another where a slumped figure seemed to be sleeping against the edge of her bed. Was that her Mum?

“Hey,” Ali's voice came again and Ashlyn looked at her. Moving her head a little hurt, so she moved it even less, and her heart almost stopped at the sight. Ali seemed to have aged fifty years all of the sudden, had the messiest of buns, some tracksuit, no mascara and deep bags under her eyes. She looked exhausted, and yet she smiled softly at her, and one of her hands left Ashlyn's to caress the goalkeeper's cheek. “Hi.”

This was bad. Judging by how things looked, Ashlyn knew she had to be very sick, or else Ali wouldn't be looking so bad. She remembered training for a game, having a headache... what had happened since? Ashlyn tried speaking, feeling an urgency to do so, and her voice was just a hoarse murmur, so she squeezed Ali's hand instead, getting a gentle squeeze in return. Ali smiled at the gesture, and kissed her hand.

“You're okay love?” Ashlyn did her best to nod, even if it was just a bit. She'd say whatever needed to keep her happy again.

The door opened and Ashlyn's father, a white-haired big man called Mike, came in, and his eyebrows raised in surprise seeing Ashlyn was awake, then smiled.

“Oh she's awake! How are you feeling honey?”

“I think,” Ali said softly, giving Ashlyn's arm a light squeeze, “she's still quite out of it. Mike, could you please let the nurse know she woke up?”

“Sure,” Mike nodded towards Ashlyn and squeezed her foot over the blankets. “I'll be right back sweet muffin.” Why was her Dad using her childhood silly nicknames?

He was gone for a minute, and when he returned, it was with a middle-aged brunette nurse who smiled heartwarmingly at Ashlyn, approaching her bedside and checking the machines.

“Welcome back Ashlyn,” the nurse said. “I'm Nathalie, I'm your main nurse, but I guarantee you there's a whole team of skilled professionals to attend to your needs. Now, it seems like you can breathe just fine so I'm going to take off this mask, all right? I'll be gentle.” She was indeed so gentle Ashlyn hardly felt it. “Is your mouth very dry darling?” Ashlyn managed a brief nod.

“Y-” she tried to clear her throat. “Yes.” Ali smiled small at the sound of her voice, and so did the nurse, who rummaged in a drawer and a moment later, Ashlyn felt something soft and wet against her lips.

“Suck on the damp cotton, darling. It'll help hydrate your mouth.” Ashlyn did as she was told, but it didn't feel like enough. However, it wasn't her first rodeo in a hospital and she knew sometimes it took a while to be allowed water.

“What's happening?” Ashlyn inquired with a softer, tired voice.

“You're in the hospital, last night you collapsed during a soccer game you were playing,” the nurse explained, giving her some more of that wet cotton. “You've been in and out consciousness since, but never as awake as now. You see, after many tests, we realized you needed surgery, and now it's been hours since the doctor operated, but it's okay, we imagined you'd have a long nap after that.”

“Surgery?” Ashlyn looked shocked at Ali.

“I'll tell her that bit, Nathalie,” Ali said, making the nurse nod in agreement.

“All looks good, within what's expected,” said the nurse. “I'll update her main doctor, but she's doing well. You make sure to have a lot of rest Ashlyn, sleep all you want and don't worry about the bathroom, or anything else.”

The nurse left and Ali squeezed Ashlyn's hand with softness, leaning to kiss her lips softly and caress her face.

“Should we tell her?” murmured Mike.

“Tell me what?” Ashlyn gave Ali her best inquiring eyes. “Alex... what's going on?” she asked weakly.

Ali released a deep breath and bit her lip for a moment in thought, to then lean forward towards her, holding her hand tight.

“Ashlyn, my love... you have cancer.”

  
  



	4. New reality

**Chapter 4: New reality.**

The words fell like ice water on Ashlyn. Instantly, she thought of the cancers that ran in the family, ovary and breast cancers, that her grandmother and some aunts had had to battle at some point, but her breasts felt fine and the only bandage she noticed was on her head. So she frowned, confused, and Ali smiled sweetly and sadly at her, cupping her face with one hand.

“Cancer?” asked Ashlyn. Ali nodded, preparing herself to say the rest as her eyes became glassy. Then Ashlyn realized. “The headaches... it wasn't a migraine, was it?” Ali looked at her full of sadness and shook her head.

“You've got a malignant tumour in your scalp,” Ali blurted out. “They call it Ewing's sarcoma, apparently it's a very rare type of cancer which appears in the soft tissue rather than the bone itself. It's not big either, but in the head everything is too big and too dangerous, even tiny tumours.”

“But they can take it out,” Ashlyn reasoned. “Right?”

“They have,” Ali nodded. “They took it all out last night. We were playing a game, in Miami, when suddenly you collapsed, you were having a seizure, your nose was bleeding, you even vomited... they rushed you to the hospital, diagnosed, and I gave them permission to take out all of it if they could, which was possible.”

Ashlyn sighed in relief.

“Babe you scared me. Then I'm cured.” Ali took a deep breath and shook her head. Ashlyn looked at her father, who flopped on the feet of the table looking down. “Someone tell me.”

“Just because they take the tumour out doesn't mean you're cured, babe,” explained Ali in a low voice. “You know how cancer works. This one causes a mutation in the chromosomes, it's in your cells, it can go anywhere. It made your scalp so fragile it got some slight cracks that need to heal, but it also weakens the soft tissue of other bones, even if they haven't developed tumours, and it can spread, it can metastasize too. And currently... it's metastasized to your brain. It's in your brain, baby.”

“They took another portion of it in surgery,” added Mike, “but couldn't tackle the whole thing, so they're starting chemotherapy today, and they'll combine it with other meds they're on trial with, and radiotherapy too see if it helps. Ali is your next of kin, so she's making good decisions for you, as the doctor said that with this affecting your brain, it was better that way.”

Ashlyn closed her eyes and leaned back, taking in the information.

“How long do I have?” Ashlyn asked simply. She knew, from her family, that cancer returned, that life expectancies varied, but that if you got a metastases, even more so when it went to key organs like brain or lungs, you were pretty much dead. “Just tell me...” she added, opening her eyes and looking pleadingly at Ali.

“Perhaps... eight months,” replied Ali quietly. “If you survive that, then between fifty and sixty percent of patients make it at least five years. Sometimes it returns or... just never goes away.” It felt as if her heart and lungs constricted and Ashlyn looked at Ali in dismay, shocked to the core and suddenly full of anxiety and anguish. Ali looked heartbroken at her and moved to sit by her side on the bed, wrapping her arms around her and hugging her as tightly as she could while still being soft and gentle, careful. “We're going to fight this with everything we've got Ashlyn. You're going to live. We'll make sure you live, we'll do whatever it takes, okay? I promise you, we'll be right here with you every step of the way, and you'll be okay.”

“Don't promise what you can't be sure of,” Ashlyn murmured holding onto her.

“Hey, hey,” Mike moved to hug Ashlyn as well and when they separated, he held her hand and looked straight into her eyes. “You are a strong, healthy, athletic woman, you have every tool to fight this bastard and besides, it's not such a big deal honey.”

“It's not?” Ashlyn retorted sarcastically.

“No. I don't have cancer and I could die any day. I could be run over by a car, I could suffer a stroke, I could be murderer. My point is, all of our clocks are ticking and we don't know when they stop, so the only difference between you and people without cancer, is that you can foresee approximately what you may live, and you can do something about it, and fight it, while others can't. And besides... the Harris women are cancer warriors, honey. Every Harris woman I know had it, fought it and won, you will too, okay? You've got it in your blood. Look at your grandma, twice she's had it being old, and she's still going, and you're young, full of energy, life, with the best diets and all of that... you'll be back to full health in the blink of an eye.” He smiled confidently at her and Ashlyn couldn't help but smile back, even though small, feeling some comfort.

“Your Dad is right,” Ali kissed her temple. “You're the toughest person we know, it's going to take much more than some disease to get you killed. We'll probably need another meteor to send you to the tomb.” She added trying to joke around. Ashlyn realized then just how scared and anxious her wife, whose biggest fear was to be left alone, whose big plans were to start a family in just a few months, was. And so, she turned to her and held her close.

“Don't you worry Alex,” Ashlyn pecked her lips softly. “I can do this. You don't worry about a thing, it's gonna be okay.”

Ali was moved Ashlyn's first concern was her, and whimpered, hugging her back and nuzzling into the crook of her neck, mindful of the cables attached to Ashlyn. Her wife was a bit warm with a running fever, but she trusted everyone would soon be feeling much better. It was only a matter of time.

“You don't have to worry about me, you're the sick one,” Ali kissed her softly. “I love you.”

“I love you too, thanks for taking care of me last night,” Ashlyn looked at her with a tired smile and squeezed her hand. “Have you told anyone else?”

“I called your Mum and Dad. We've been here all night,” Ali pointed to her sleeping mother with her head. “Christopher is also around, but only three people are allowed with you here in Intensive Care, so he's gone to Satellite to pack stuff for your parents to hang here while you're here, and to Orlando to get me some things too. Mum lives here, so I told her too, and Kyle and my Dad. Mum's bringing refreshments to us every couple hours, Kyle is on a plane on his way here, and so's Dad, by now. And Chris will tell the rest of your family today, later, since it's only...” Ali checked her watch. “Half past six in the morning.”

“Debbie was so kind to find a cheap flat to rent so your Mum and I can go there whenever we're not here, since her flat's not too big,” Mike commented in addition. Ashlyn nodded, eyeing her sleeping mother for a moment.

“Thank her from me,” said Ashlyn, “there was no need to get Kyle and Ken on planes, they live so far...”

“They're your family too, you know how much they love you, they want to be here,” Ali simply said, returning to her seat and tucking Ashlyn in better. “And because you had to be taken out of the game, I had to tell Vlatko, who's told the coaching staff and called Kate Markgraff too. But what's been released publicly and what the girls have been told is a short statement saying you're in hospital being treated for a previously undiagnosed scalp fracture.”

“You should also know, honey,” Mike added, rubbing one of his tired eyes with one hand. “You're feeling better now partially because of the surgery and partially because of the medication, but your head has been opened up, so you really need to lie down and try your best to stay calm, we'll handle everything okay? And when they start chemo and the rest of the treatment... you know how it is, you'll feel worse before you feel better, but you gotta keep in mind you will get better. Sometimes things just have to go a little downhill before they go uphill, remember?”

“Yeah, right...” Ashlyn felt her eyes heavy, despite the anxiety in her chest. “I think I'm going to sleep some now.”

“Good idea,” Ali managed a small smile. “Get some rest. We'll be right here when you wake up.”

“You guys should rest too...” Ashlyn murmured, but was soon deep asleep.

The goalkeeper easily slept for five hours, with doctor visits every quarter of an hour to keep checking on her, and eventually she woke up with an intense headache, and only had time to roll and aim to the floor before she was throwing up. Her mother and a nurse were immediately there to help her. Ashlyn could tell she had a high fever, because all of the sudden she felt cold and sweaty and was shivering, it just felt like she had a really bad case of flu, and she slumped back on the bed while the nurses cleaned her mess and her mother washed the sweat out of her face with a sponge and murmured sweet nothings to her so she'd feel better.

“What happened?” Ali asked, arriving from a coffee break with Mike.

“Nothing odd, just some nausea, some fever, everything within the expected,” the nurse explained in absolute calmness. “Are you in pain darling?” she added, looking down at Ashlyn, who groaned and nodded. “I'll up the dose of painkillers a little bit, but just a little. And I'll give you something to settle your stomach as well, you'll see how you'll feel better soon.

“Alex... Alex...” Ashlyn called, feeling sicker than ever in her life. Ali rushed to her as her mother-in-law moved over to give her some space.

“I'm here,” Ali pressed her lips against her forehead, full of worry. “Just tell me what you need.”

Maybe it was induced by how awfully bad she was feeling, but all Ashlyn could think about was that she was going to die and perhaps way sooner than expected, and it made her unnecessarily more uneasy to know she hadn't left her things in order, as one would say.

“I want to live...” Ashlyn grabbed her hand hard with her sweaty, bigger one. “I want to meet our kid... I want to grow old with you... please...” she pleaded, overwhelmed with anguish and ill feeling.

Ali was quick to figure out it was just the fever talking, but it was still very moving. She held back her sudden urge to cry and squeezed her hand back, caressing her face with her free hand.

“You will, you will, I promise. We'll have a bunch of babies and we'll grow old and wrinkly while competing to make them like our playing position the most.” She said with a tearful smile, trying to comfort her and wishing for every word to be true.

“Babe...” Ashlyn was sleepy and with the heavy medication, already drifting into sleep. “Don't let me go... babe...”

“I won't,” Ali reassured her. “You sleep. I'll be right here.”

The nurse finished adjusting Ashlyn's fluids, patches, tubes and cables, and gave Ali a comforting smile and a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder.

“She's young and she's strong, she's got really good chances.”

“Yeah,” Ali rubbed the tears off her eyes and kissed her wife's forehead, confirming she was asleep. The bandage on her head was thick, but allowed some thin tubes to get out of it, draining liquids and measuring cranial pressure.

“It's gonna be all right,” Tammye nodded, forever optimistic. Mike nodded as well and wrapped an arm around his former wife's shoulders.

“Christopher would like to see his sister for a little bit, and you haven't had any fresh air in the last twelve hours. Let me take you for a short walk?”

“But our baby girl...”

“She'll be just fine under the care of this wonderful medical team, her big brother, and her wife. Nothing we can do.”

“Mike's right, you should get some air,” Ali reassured her mother in law. “We'll be fine here.”

Tammye gave it a thought but eventually nodded, and held her daughter's hand for a moment.

“Fine, but you'll call if there are any changes at all, right?”

“I promise.”

Ashlyn's brother Christopher arrived just within minutes from his parents' absence. He and Ali hugged tight and sat by Ashlyn's bed without saying much. Both knew they were thinking the same things, worrying about the same issues, and the name of all their concerns was Ashlyn.

  
  



	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This shit wrecked me

**Chapter 5: Between life and death.**

It was impossible to tell in advance if a patient was going to have severe side effects from their medications or not, and in Ashlyn's case, it was soon proven that she had the worst nausea as a side effect from most of her medications, even when she had some meds specifically to prevent nausea from the treatment. And so, she was wrecked after only two days hospitalized, too weak to move and too trashed to even want to move. But because she only needed medication, to be checked on frequently for any post-surgery complications, and to rest so her head could recover, the doctors at least decided there was no need to keep her in Intensive Care, and she could be transferred into the ward, with her own room instead of a cubicle of ICU, where her visits weren't restricted, unless it was time for medical check-ups, when they were asked to leave for fifteen minutes, or Ashlyn needed some quiet if she was feeling particularly bad.

“We need to tell the truth,” murmured Ashlyn, eyes closed, with her voice hoarse from vomiting so much. She had had a dose of chemo that morning, combined with immunotherapy and radiotherapy, and was completely spent. She had allowed the nurse to convince her to have some lunch, if only to shut her up, and was trying to keep it down.

At that moment, only Ali and Christopher were hanging around. Debbie had substituted Ali for a couple hours after both the elder woman and Ashlyn had convinced her to go home, take a shower, have a nap, eat something. Ali had requested to be let out of the USWNT camp the minute Ashlyn's diagnose had come, so she could remain by her wife's bedside, so she was now staying with her mother and step-father instead of in the team hotel. The camp was now over, regardless, and since Ali had lied and said only family was allowed to visit Ashlyn for now, they had all returned to their homes, not without a nasty taste in the mouth out of worry for Ashlyn.

The brunette woman sat on the feet of the bed, gently massaging Ashlyn's feet, while Christopher occupied an armchair, reading a newspaper. She looked up at her wife, whose eyes remained closed, with a tattooed arm thrown over them.

“What are you talking about?” inquired Ali, lost in the conversation. Ashlyn put her arm down and opened her eyes slightly to give Ali a tired look.

“You know I hate lies. You know I always want to led with truth, take everyone on board, be honest even about the worst things in life. One thing is to not reveal anything publicly just yet, but to lie to our friends—,”

“You know why I lied. I had to Ash, the moment the world knows the social media will explode, they won't leave the matter alone, you'll be in the front cover of every magazine and newspaper, it'll be the talk of the town. I can already see the headlines, 'Cancer ends USWNT goalkeeper's career'. They will be overly dramatic and exaggerate just to profit at your expen—.”

“Which is why I understand lying to the world, but not to our friends,” Ashlyn interrupted impatiently. “Why did you do that? How's that fair?”

“Our friends needed to focus on camp,” replied Ali. “And your family needed to be here, and to assimilate the situation, before we had a whole team crowded at your hospital room's door. If you want me to tell them the truth, I will, Ash, I never meant to keep a lie going forever.”

Christopher put his newspaper down and cautiously intervened.

“Ali's right, sis. Your family's been struck by addiction and drama, and now Mum and Dad are having a hard time with this. You're in bed, the ones who will have to suffer the scrutiny from the media, the paparazzi, and yes, even from our friends, your teammates... it's us. Keeping things quiet allows Mum and Dad time and space to process and deal with this calmly. With the amount of friends you guys have, the minute you tell one news will spread like a wildfire and in a moment, our phones won't shut down with people texting and calling non-stop, and coming to visit, and as sweet as that is, as great as it is that people care so much about you, it's just not something we can comfortably deal with now.”

Ali nodded in agreement and Ashlyn looked from one to another, thinking things through for a moment, seeing their point. It had already become a bit too much, even if people only meant well (at least the majority of them, they liked to think), when her grandfather Kurt had passed away just a few months before, right before the Olympics started, when Ashlyn and Ali had both had to leave the USWNT for just a few days to be home with the family and then run back to Tokyo in record time. But Ashlyn just hated lies, and to think that her best friends thought that she just had some head fracture didn't sit well with herself. She didn't care about the world too much in the moment -she could always confess she had been sick once she healed up- but if this thing killed her, and their friends had to live on feeling stupid or bad for not having known and been there... she didn't want that.

“I get it,” said Ashlyn at last, “Look, just... just tell our closest friends and our teammates, let the club know as well so they can plan ahead without me... tell them to keep it quiet. No one spilled the beans about us being together for a decade, I'm sure they won't about this either.”

“Okay,” Ali nodded and stood up, leaning over Ashlyn's bed to kiss her softly, caressing her face. “You're a little warm. How are you feeling?”

“Like I just got beaten up by a polar bear,” replied Ashlyn, closing her eyes again and leaning into her touch.

“Aw, my poor baby,” Ali looked sadly and kissed her forehead. “I'll quickly send a few texts to our friends, and give you a good cuddle, okay?”

“Thank you...”

The USWNT players, even some that were no longer in the roster, had a chat group, so Ali decided to start sending a text there, to get a bunch of their friends told at once. She took a deep breath as she composed the words in her head. Once they knew, it'd all feel so much more real to her, and she wasn't looking forward to it.

' _Hey ladies, how's it going? Ash & I are still in Miami, hopefully we can make it to Orlando next week. Listen, I'm sorry but I didn't tell you the truth about the situation before, bc I wanted to get Ash's opinion on when to break the news first, and that hasn't happened until now. Truth is her scalp got fractured by a sorta uncommon disease they call Ewing's Sarcoma, it's a type of bone cancer that affects soft bone tissue and cartilage. It debilitated some of Ash's bones and created a tumour in her scalp that the docs took away, but it still created cracks in her scalp, not too bad cracks though. But she's really not doing well. The tumour has metastasized to the brain and they couldn't take it all out with surgery, so she's on chemo, radiotherapy and other meds, and apparently she's in the small percentage of people who really get side effects from the drugs and they're making her really sick and weak, she can't even hold her eyes open for long, she's just a wreck, and the docs said that if she can make it 8 months then maybe she can be in the 60% of patients with this shit that make it 5 years, so it's as horrible as it sounds. Our fams came, but we can't have many visitors because the quieter, the better Ash feels, but you know her, she wanted to led by the truth and not keep things from our best friends. We're not telling the world just yet, to avoid people profiting from this hell, or overwhelming the family trying to get info, so please, please keep it quiet. We love you so much!_'

It was a matter of minutes before, as Ali continued texting others and sending emails, her phone started blowing up with messages full of love and support, which she thanked quickly before putting her phone in silence in her purse and going back to her wife.

“Everyone sends so much love,” Ali whispered, caressing her cheek, knowing she was awake. “You're so very loved darling.” Ashlyn chuckled tiredly, looking at her.

“Thank you,” the women kissed softly and Christopher hid his face behind the newspaper he had been reading, to give them some privacy. “Hey babe...” Ashlyn shyly played with a loose strand of Ali's hair. She had been long meditating how to have this conversation, knowing it was important, but too painful to bear, yet now it made her uneasy to wait more.

“Yeah?”

“We should talk about... you know... in case I don't make it.”

“Ash, you're not going to—,”

“I might. And soon I won't have the energy to talk about it,” Ashlyn insisted. “Baby, I can't bear the uneasiness of not having anything planned in case it happens.”

Ali closed her eyes for a moment, trying to prepare herself with a deep breath, and then nodded, looking back at her wife.

“Okay.”

Ashlyn nodded, biting her lip for a moment as she contemplated where to begin.

“I know you and a lot of people will be heartbroken, and that with us... you're so afraid of Kyle and everyone dying and leaving you behind, and we just got married, we had so many plans and it's not fair for this to happen now...” Ashlyn pushed through to have this conversation despite her tiredness, and held her wife's hand. “But I need you to move forward, my love. Because... there's nothing I'd want more than to be healthy and live. To surf more, to skateboard more, to have more dates, more runs across the field, babies, dog walks, steak...” her eyes filled with tears and she took a deep breath. “We just take life for granted all the time, and then time's up, and there's so much I'd like to have done. And suddenly all the awards and the football glory... it doesn't seem to be that much of a big deal anymore. I would've rather have more time with our families, more beach sunsets, more playing with the kiddos... I don't want you to feel like that when your time comes. I don't want you to waste your life in mourning and sadness, or anger, or negative bullshit, specially not if before I die, we have to spend five miserable years of growing ten years older by the minute and being sad and in pain all the time. When this hell ends, no matter how it goes, I want you to take life by the horns, and try and fall in love again because it's beautiful, and you deserve all the love in the world,” Ali rubbed her eyes, trying not to cry. She just wanted life with Ashlyn, and couldn't imagine life without her. “And you should... you should still try and have a family. Kids that fill up the table in Christmas Day and sit by your bedside when you're old and wrinkly, and you have your camps and everything... and if heaven exists, I'm sure as hell going to it because nothing would piss Hinkle and the Trumpists more,” they chuckled tearfully, holding onto each other's hands. “And I'd love to get to see you conquering the world from there. I even promise not to be jealous when someone else comes. I'll just be forever grateful to whoever or whatever makes you smile that gorgeous smile of yours again.”

“I should uh, go get some coffee,” Christopher murmured suddenly, rushing out of the room. Ali sniffled and rubbed her eyes, before leaning to kiss Ashlyn again.

“I'll make sure to keep having it, for you to see wherever you are, then,” Ali promised with eyes full of tears.

“That's my girl,” Ashlyn kissed her hands. “And you know, we should always feel lucky, uh? Because we've had so many incredible years, so many good memories... we should cherish them, and think of this with a smile and not with pain. Nothing can take that away from us. Nothing can take all our love, our laughter, our happiness... we just have to remember it was so good, and so worth it, and when we die, we will knowing we were lucky ladies having the best love story ever. You may even have more love stories in store, uh? That'd be great.”

“I don't want to think of being with anyone else right now, love.”

“Okay,” Ashlyn pressed Ali's knuckles against her lips and gave her a small, tearful smile. “Will you forgive me if I don't make it? I mean, eventually. You can be mad for a while, I get it, just... not forever.” A tear fell down Ali's cheek and the brunette shook her head.

“I'll never be mad at you for dying, my love. I'll never,” Ali took her face between her hands and kissed her hard on the lips. “I'll always remember you fought so bravely every day, and even if there comes a day when you feel so sick you beg to die, I'll still won't be mad, nor hold it against you. I'll be grateful you tried so hard, and if you do die from this, I'll live life the best way I can, for the both of us.”

Ashlyn nodded, and they took a moment of just holding each other's hands, staying as close as possible, taking deep breaths to try and keep the tears at bay. At last, Ashlyn felt collected enough to continue, and wrapped her arms around Ali's waist, looking up at her.

“I know I said I wanted to be buried in the Pride stadium but... babe they called it _Exploria_ ,” she joked darkly, making them both snigger for a moment. “I think... I think you could have me cremated. And then I could just... hang out by our fireplace, so you could chat with me now and then. And when you're ready... you could, if you wanted, bury my ashes in the cemetery, in Satellite Beach, with my Grandpa. Or... I don't know, if you'd rather be buried in DC, I guess you could bury me there, so you can have a spot next to me when your time comes. Or whatever you'd prefer. I've just seen too many news of coffins that when opened revealed claw marks like they weren't really dead and ended up buried alive and it makes me paranoid so just... cremate me, make sure I'm well dead.”

“I can pinch you with a fork, make sure you cook nicely,” Ali joked darkly, making them both laugh a little.

“You could,” Ashlyn admitted with a nod. “And... if I don't die but like... my brain does, like, if I'm brain dead and I'm not coming back, or like in coma and my organs start to fail and I'm just doomed to die... just let me go, okay? When you're ready. You take the time you need but... I don't want to be a vegetable for thirty years, okay? And I don't want to prevent you from moving on either. Oh and... I don't want my funeral to be too sad. No dark clothes, just wear... something you feel sexy on.”

“Your Grandma may have a heart attack and die too if I show up at your funeral in a thong,” Ali joked, and Ashlyn could help but guffaw, laughing at the mere thought.

“You're right! Well, keep yourself PG-12 then. You know what? You guys should just have a beach picnic when the formalities are over. Or go dancing. Release some steam. And whatever clothes of mine or useful stuff you don't want... just donate, okay? And whatever money you earn in interviews and stuff talking about how tragically I died—,”

“Goes to TWLOHA, I know,” Ali side smiled with tearful eyes. “You won't allow me to become disgustingly rich from your death.”

“Damn right I won't,” Ashlyn chuckled, lifting a hand up to cup her cheek. “God, I can't believe I got to marry you. What a lucky bastard I've been.”

Ali's lips curved into a soft sad smile, and she leaned to kiss her once more.

“I will look after the family,” Ali promised, knowing Ashlyn worried about them too. “I'll make sure no one succumbs into addiction or anything again. And I'll stay involved with TWLOHA and the stuff you support.”

“And donate my brain to science,” Ashlyn added, in a sudden thought. “You know, so they can investigate the long-term consequences of concussions and stuff, in case that played any part in this, or... you know, just so some young Dr Frankesteins can learn more about the organ we know less of.”

“Right,” Ali nodded. “Who knows, they may discover you weren't from this planet all along.”

“That'd explain a lot,” Ashlyn chuckled. “And if you want to sell anything, you can. The house, cars... whatever makes you happy, you do it. Or whatever feels like the right move.”

“Okay. What about your will?”

“Ugh, we should get my lawyer here soon, so I can modify it, I don't think I've touched it since before we were engaged,” Ashlyn realized, “Anyway... what's mine is yours, right? Do whatever you want with my stuff, it's yours. My life insurance should give you a bunch of money, so just share that with the family, okay? I don't want my parents or Chris to ever be poor again. Whatever they need...”

“I shall give,” Ashlyn nodded in agreement. Ali pressed her lips against her forehead. “Anything else?”

“Yeah,” said Ashlyn, squeezing her brain to try and think of anything she might be forgetting. “Save a part and get the damn Bronco.”

“What?” Ali giggled, finding it ridiculous.

“I'm serious. If I can't spoil you anymore, then you spoil yourself at my expense. Travel the world, buy purses, whatever you want. And in my will, you should also find that I left money to our godchildren, managed by their parents, of course. Do your best to try and get them to invest it into something good, okay? Education, home... whatever.”

“Right,” Ali smiled small, finding the gesture sweet. Of course she was thinking of her godchildren in her deathbed. “I'll do my best. Is that all?”

Ashlyn pursed her lips in deep thought and then gave Ali a particularly serious look.

“Promise me you will go to therapy. Even if I don't die, promise me.”

“Therapy?” Ali was confused now, caught off guard. “If I'm depressed? Sure...”

“Not if you're depressed. When this hell ends, however it does, however you feel, you go. I mean, if I survive I'll damn need a therapist too, but I need you to promise you will see one right away. That your health, including your mental health, will be a priority. It takes an effort to be happy after something like this love, I need you to promise you'll make it.”

Ali detected the anxiety in her voice and nodded.

“All right. I promise you, I may even see a therapist before this is over. I'll take care of myself.”

“Thank you,” Ashlyn sighed in relief. “Come here. I love you. I love you more than anything.”

“I love you too,” Ali kissed her intensely. “You're my everything.”

Ashlyn pulled her into a tight hug and nuzzled into her hair, holding her close and rubbing her back soothingly.

“You take care of yourself. Be good, don't get in trouble, don't give your heart to anyone who doesn't deserve it, don't do tomorrow what you can do today, don't waste your time,” Ashlyn pressed her lips on Ali's head over her ear, squeezing her gently, “and don't listen to anyone's bullshit. You have a right to feel however you feel, okay? No matter what anyone has to say about it, don't take anyone's judgement, don't listen to them. Do what makes you happy. Even if it's criticized, even if it seems too soon... there's absolutely no reason to wait to do what makes you happy. I won't find it disrespectful. All I'll ever wish for you will be the absolute best, laughter, love, happiness, all the best things in life... I won't ever wish for you to die alone or judge the way you choose to live your life. But if you hurt yourself, my soul is going to be very, very, very angry, do you hear me?”

Ali nodded against her shoulder, hugging her back.

“You don't have to worry about me. I'll stay healthy.”

Ashlyn separated and cupped her face, kissing her once more and then nodding, as if telling herself it was okay.

“Don't be afraid, uh? Whatever happens, it's okay. I'm not afraid of death, and you shouldn't either, it's just... the next step. The only part that scares me is that I don't want you guys to suffer.”

“Can I ask you for something now?” Ali asked shyly, biting her lip.

“Anything.”

“If you die...” a tear fell freely down Ali's cheek, and she took a deep breath. “I'm not sure how it works, but if you can wait to go to heaven, if there's a way you can somehow... hang around...”

“As a ghost?”

“I don't know. As whatever,” Ali shrugged. “Could you try and... stay with me? Just... if it's not going to cause you suffering, I'd like you to stick around, just so I can feel you close somehow. And so when my time comes... you're the first one I see. And we can go on together. I'd be less afraid of death that way.”

Ali couldn't hold herself together a moment more and broke in tears, crying painfully, sat on the edge of the bed and looking so miserable that Ashlyn made an effort to sit up and hug her tightly.

“Oh my angel, of course I'll stay. If there's any way I can stay with you, and keep taking care of you somehow, damn right I'll do it,” Ashlyn promised, holding her as strongly as she could, trying to comfort her. “It's gonna be all right. I've got you, I'll always have you, my love.”

  
  



	6. Hello stranger

**Chapter 6: Hello stranger.**

Ashlyn was finally moved to Orlando, in a special medical helicopter, and by the time she had been in hospital for two weeks, she was deteriorating heavily. The tumour in her brain grew and compressed her brain so badly that she needed another surgery, to try and remove as much of it as possible again, and cracks started to appear in the soft tissue all over her scalp. In the end it got so painful and so bad, that the doctors put Ashlyn in induced coma to try and get her stronger over the next few days. They changed some meds to see if they could make the treatment start working, and fed her through a tube that went through her nose into her stomach.

But overall, it was just exhausting. The world had also started to suspect something, and even more when some teammates and friends started to visit the hospital, and the rumour that Ashlyn was in a hospital in Orlando extended.

Needing a break, on one particularly depressing morning three weeks after Ashlyn had collapsed on the field, Ali walked around the hospital, hugging herself, and by chance found a little terrace for families to have some air. Due to the time of the year, it was pretty much empty, because it was cold, but Ali was a Northerner and to her, this was like Summer. So Ali went outside, and was about to sit on an outside sofa between the plants when she realized she wasn't alone. There was a man sobbing quietly with his face on his hands, a wedding band shining in his finger with the reflection of the sun. Ali cursed herself and stood up to leave, which made the wooden floor crack and the man looked up, stopping his crying out of surprise. He was probably in his thirties, had dark green eyes, and light brown, messy, wavy hair, some stubble, and was just handsome, so Ali stared at him for a moment, caught off guard.

“I'm so sorry,” Ali managed to say at last. She had bags under her eyes, no make-up and a messy bun, and the man didn't need much to know she was in his same situation. “I didn't mean to intrude, I didn't see you...”

“It's okay,” he managed a small smile. His voice was hoarse from crying, and his face was wet and reddened. “I didn't think anyone would come here. Floridians run from the cold, usually.”

“Oh, I'm not from Florida. My wife is,” Ali clarified, managing a polite smile and sitting again.

“So's my wife,” he nodded, and extended a hand to her. “Parker Wyatt, from DC. I've been living here since I was a teenager though.”

“Are you joking? I'm from Dumfries, I used to go to DC all the time, it's pretty close.”

“Oh yeah I know Dumfries! I lived there for a couple years in my teens, my parents had to move for work,” Parker chuckled. “So nice to see a non-sick friendly face for once, isn't it?”

“It is,” Ali agreed, finding it refreshing to talk with a stranger who probably understood what it was like and who wasn't sick, or talking about being sick.

“Sorry, I didn't catch your name?”

“Oh, right, I'm Al—,” Ali caught herself on time. If she said her real name, when the man apparently didn't recognize her, she'd expose Ashlyn being there and their privacy would be ruined. “I'm Blaire. Blaire Alongi,” she quickly formulated, using her middle name and her mother's maiden name, and shook his hand.

“Nice to meet you. I'm sorry you caught me a mess,” he snorted a laugh, pulling an used tissue out of his pocket and rubbing his eyes with it. “I'm not such a baby normally, but... my wife's very sick. She's on full life support since last night.”

“I'm so sorry,” Ali grimaced, sighing sadly. They sat in front of each other, on separate benches. “May I ask what happened to her?”

“Rose was diagnosed with lung cancer, three years ago,” Parker explained, sniffling a little. “We were engaged then, married on her deathbed when we thought it was her deathbed. She had gotten really bad, it metastasized to her kidneys and intestines... then, unexpectedly, she kept living. She was feeling better, so we went home, figured the nightmare was over. Then a few months later, she couldn't breathe. It's ridiculous, she never smoke in her life or anything... since then, she's deteriorated really badly really quickly, and now the doctors have done everything they could...” he sighed. “She doesn't have a month.”

“Shit... that's terrible, I'm really sorry.”

He nodded, then saw her ring and pointed to it.

“Is your wife...?”

“Sick? Yes. Ewing's disease,” Ali explained. “She had a tumour in her scalp, and it metastasized to her brain, now it's grown twice and she's near to her third brain surgery. The meds don't seem to be working and last night they...” she took a deep breath. “She's in medically induced coma. They're trying to see if that'll help her get stronger. She's only thirty-six, she's an athlete, she shouldn't be like this.”

Parker nodded slowly and sighed.

“It really sucks. How long has she been sick?”

“Nearly a month since the diagnose, but...” Ali shrugged. “She had been having headaches since around Christmas, so she's probably been sick for months.”

“But she'll heal, right? What did the doctor say?”

“Eight months, if lucky,” Ali replied. “And then perhaps... if she's made it that far, she has good odds to be in the 60% of people that make it five years. But it's just... horrible,” it felt easy discussing these matters with a stranger, because somehow the fact that they didn't know each other, but understood their pain, was enough to feel like opening up. “How do you deal with it? Because I've been with my wife ten years. We just celebrated our first wedding anniversary recently, we were going to try to have children this year... now all of that is over. And I just... I don't know how to...”

“Stay afloat? When nobody gets what it feels like?” Ali nodded and Parker sighed, looking sadly at her. “You just go hour by hour, Blaire. If it gets too much, you try to have a break, like this... and then encourage yourself to keep going one more hour. You don't see anything past that, because your whole life could be different then. My Rosie, she'll be dead soon, but I can't start thinking of what then until it happens. Now I have to stay optimistic, stay loving, go and talk to her and pray she can hear... sometimes praying helps. I tell myself that's my job for the next hour. And if in the end of it my wife is dead and I'm a widower... then I'll see what happens then. Do you at least have other family with you?”

Ali nodded, thinking of her in-laws.

“Her family and my family are around, yes.”

“Then hold on to them. I'm an orphan, and in the beginning my in-laws were always around... my father-in-law succumbed to the stress and died, and my mother-in-law can't stand coming anymore. And go home whenever you can. Your wife won't notice you're gone, and it'll make a good difference for you. Life here gets tough. Eat and sleep when you can... and stay optimistic.”

“Thank you Parker,” Ali smiled small. “It's so... comforting to speak about this with someone who understands. I know I'm just a stranger but—,”

“We're all in this together,” Parker side smiled. “I've met other relatives in these years, and sometimes I think the only thing that keep us going is having others to talk with who know what it's like. For what it counts, I hope not to see you again because it'll mean your wife recovered and they sent her home.”

Ali chuckled.

“Yeah, me too. Do you usually hang here?”

“Whenever I'm not with Rose, yes. So if you want to come now and then, I'll probably be here. Rose's visiting hours are very limited, because her immune system is pretty much non existent by now, and even though she's dying, they don't want her to suddenly get even worse. Absurd, I know.”

“Well, I'll see you around then,” Ali checked her watch. “I should go back... thanks again and... I hope it gets better, somehow.”

“Me too. Have a good day, Blaire.”

“You too Parker.”

Ali got up and returned to Ashlyn's room. Christopher and Tammye were there with Debbie, so Ali silently took a seat with them and took Ashlyn's hand in hers. The short-haired woman had acquired a tattoo of a Celtic knot around her finger where her wedding band usually sat, covering it, so that even when she was playing and had to remove her ring, she still had the symbol of her union to Ali on her finger. Ali traced it with her thumb. Between the knots, if she looked closely, she could read 'DEC. 28. 2019' on the outside part of the finger, and the initials 'A.B.K.' in the inside part. Together with her face on Ashlyn's right forearm, she was all over her wife's skin, as a permanent reminder of what Ashlyn always called 'my life'.

A week later came the day Ali had long hoped it wouldn't come. She had been seeing Parker every day several times, when they coincided in the terrace, and often they had coffee together and talked about their partner's illness, their progress or lack of it, their hopes for the future, or what their lives had been like before this started. Ali lied and said she was a soccer coach for children, although she wasn't working at the moment, and Parker said he was an artist for cartoons, and drew her a sarcastically funny sketch. And Ali knew once she did what she had agreed with Ashlyn on doing if she was in hospital for a month and unable to make a decision herself, it was likely Parker saw her face on the newspaper or media and realized who she was, ruining the only comfort she was getting these days. But she had to do it.

Ali did it at home, when she was out of the hospital hours now strict for Ashlyn, and had walked the dogs and was now in bed with her laptop, trying not to think of the coldness of the other side of the bed. She found one of her favourite pictures, one that didn't have three years, of Ashlyn and Ali smiling at the camera. She had been holding her phone for the selfie and Ashlyn had hugged her from behind, although only their faces were visible, and they had been in the snow, hairs loose, clothes thick and cosy, and the amazing light that snowy places often had. Along with that picture, she posted one of just Ashlyn, beaming at the camera while holding their youngest, tiniest dog, Storm, who was licking her face, with one arm, and keeping the other around their biggest dog, Logan, whose face was right next to hers. It was a goofy, funny picture, and it was how Ali liked to think of her wife. To them, she attached a message, to post the package of three in her social media.

' _A LETTER TO OUR KINDEST, SWEETEST SUPPORTERS,_

_Filled with sadness, I'm afraid it's time to tell you that when my beautiful, lovely, goofy wife Ashlyn Harris collapsed on the field a month ago while playing for our country, she did so due to a previously undiagnosed cancer, that had made a tumour in her scalp and metastasized to her brain. We were holding back on making the news public on hopes that soon she'd respond to treatment positively and we'd have good news to tell you, instead of leaving you with this nasty mouth taste, but unfortunately this is how things stand now; Ashlyn has now had five different head surgeries in four separate attempts to take as much of the tumours out as possible. She's had chemotherapy, radiotherapy, immunotherapy, and more medicines than I can count, in an aggressive and desperate effort to slow down the cancer, to buy her more time than the 8 months she was initially given... we've tried everything we could try. Unfortunately she's part of a small group of people who react really awfully to cancer treatment, and it's left her very weak and wrecked, struggling so badly that a week ago the doctors decided it would be best to put her in medically induced coma so maybe she can regain some strength. The one lucky thing is that her scalp tumour is completely gone, even though there are still cancer cells, and her brain tumour is very tiny after they removed most of it and it hasn't grown in over a week, so it seems like the treatment may just be starting to work._

_In any case, you know Ashlyn wouldn't want to lie to you. She was always open to speak of her addiction, her mental health issues, her family's issues such as poverty, alcoholism and addiction to drugs, and she always wanted to 'take you along for the ride'. This is why she made me promise, while she could, that I would eventually share what's going on with you, without giving any journalist the opportunity to get an exclusive and profit from this nightmare, in the open way she always had with you. Just before she was in coma we had agreed that I'd do this on my own if she had been in the hospital a month and was unconscious, as it's the case, or she'd do it herself from home if she was back in less than a month._

_So this is the plan; we're going to stay positive. We're going to stay optimistic. We're going to send her all our love and good vibes, and hope for a better tomorrow. And I have one final favour to ask you. You know Ashlyn has always given her best to good causes, dedicated her time and energy to TWLOHA, to helping others, to trying and making this world a little better. Now, you need to try your best and to the same for her, and give her family (which includes me, obviously) the space and time we need, to respect us and to avoid overwhelming us (and the Harrises the most) with attempts to get more information. Leave her parents and extended family alone, okay? Please. They're going through the worst a parent could go through, let's give them at least space. And whenever I got more to tell you, any news... I will. So don't try and get more, no one will have more to say than you when I have more news to release._

_And if you wish to make any monetary contributions to help, we don't need money, but I'd suggest you make a donation to the multiple associations that investigate cures for cancer and odd illnesses, or to TWLOHA or Love is Louder, both of which fight mental health issues._

_Thank you so much for the support._

_Much love,_

_Ali xx_ '

Ali sent the post with a deep sigh, and closed her eyes, ready to take a nap.

  
  



	7. Moment of truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If there's anything in particular you'd like to read about, I always accept suggestions and petitions, by the way. I'm always writing, and ideas are always welcomed.

**Chapter 7: Moment of truth.**

When she awoke, Ali was surprised to find she had slept until the morning, for over nine hours. Startled by the discovery, the jumped into the shower, got dressed and also got a quick breakfast, before giving the dogs the fastest walk ever and getting into the car from her house to the hospital where Ashlyn remained admitted.

“Ali Krieger!” Ali turned around abruptly in the lift as, before the doors closed, a hand stuck in it to make it open and reveal Parker Wyatt, looking at her with his kind dark green eyes, bags deep under them, and a half smile.

“Parker! Oh, you found out...”

Parker came into the lift and elbowed her lightly.

“It's okay. I saw the news today, it's all over. I'm so sorry about your wife, now that I know how bad it is.”

“Thank you,” Ali looked surprised at him. “I lied to you, how come you're not angry?”

“Well I get it. If you revealed your actual identity, the name may click in my head, and I'd figure out by extension that Ashlyn is dying. You were trying to protect your wife, how can I be mad? Luckily for you, I was never a big sports person. I'm a nerd, I had to Google you when I saw your face in the TV this morning.”

The lift took them to the eight floor, where the cancer ward was, and Ali smiled in relief.

“So not a fan, uh?”

“I'm all in for badass women kicking ass but,” Parker shrugged, smiling apologetically. “I promise not to be some obsessive fan stalking you and all. As far as I'm concerned you're just Ali, my friend from the cancer ward. I'll respect your privacy and won't go around telling anything we talk about. I actually value the friendship we've built.”

“Thank you Parker. I was afraid telling the truth would damage our friendship. You're the only one I can talk about these whole thing with and feel understood.”

“Truth should never damage friendships, on the contrary,” they exited the lift, and he stopped her before they each went separate ways. “How's your wife doing then? You went home right? That's a good sign, usually you live here.”

“I fell asleep, I didn't mean to spend the night away,” Ali sighed. “Hopefully the doctor will have good news. Hopefully she's on remission. God knows.”

“I'll keep my fingers crossed.”

“Thanks... what about Rose?”

Parker sighed and shook his head.

“She died four hours ago. I'm only coming to fix the paperwork.”

“Oh God Parker, I'm so sorry,” Ali truly felt bad for him, and on impulse, hugged him tight. Sometimes it didn't matter you had only known someone for a few days, it was enough to grow good friends when the foundation revolved around such an intense experience. She felt him take a deep breath and support his weight on her, and she gave him a gentle squeeze before they separated. “Are you okay? No of course you're not, this is terrible... do you have any friends, anyone to lean on?”

“Don't worry, I've just had breakfast with my best friends, they're helping out with the paperwork, and my wife's mother will be coming, and my little sister is flying over from DC to help, so I'll be okay. In some way... I don't want to sound cruel, but I'm relieved. It's all over. After all these years, it's finally over, no more fear, no more anguish, no more anxiety... it feels so calm, so... nice. Am I a horrible person for feeling relieved?”

Ali shook her head, putting her hands on his shoulders.

“You're a good man. You've suffered so much, it's finally over... now you get to heal, go to therapy or something. And she rests in peace. She's not in pain anymore... what else could you want for the woman you love?”

Parker nodded, running a hand through his short hair. The poor man looked exhausted.

“Thank you, Ali. Would it be okay if... if I gave you my contact details? Maybe we could have coffee one day soon, you're still going through this and I'd like to keep making you company if that helps.”

The idea felt warm and touching in Ali's chest, and she smiled sincerely.

“I would love that Parker, thank you.”

He chuckled and patted his pockets for a piece of paper, finding a tissue and a small pencil. He supported on the wall and scribbled down his name, email address and phone number, before handing it to Ali.

“You've got my email in case you feel uneasy sharing phone numbers,” he said, ever considerate.

“Thank you. I will contact you, I promise. Give me a hug, until we meet again,” she squeezed him again, and found comforting the act of receiving a hug. “Take care of yourself, okay?”

“Will do. You too.” He smiled, and separated. “I'll pray for Ashlyn.”

“Thank you.”

Only each other understood what it felt like to have the woman you loved lying in a hospital bed, dying. That knowledge made them feel close, and they parted hoping they'd meet again rather soon. Then, Ali turned around and had only walked a few steps when her brother came to view, staring at her with arms crossed over his chest, standing by a drinking fountain.

“Kyle!” Ali grinned and hugged him tightly, and he hugged her back.

“Hey there. Where were you?”

“I fell asleep at home, is Ash okay?”

“I haven't seen her, Mum went, I was going to look for you. Who's that guy you were hugging?”

“Oh, that?” Ali looked back for a moment, but Parker was gone. “That's Parker. I met him around here, his wife was very sick, like Ashlyn, but for years. He's been giving me tips, advice, helping... he knows what it is like, you know? And he's been very nice, so we've become friends. I was hugging him because his wife has just died.”

“Shit, poor guy...”

“Yeah... speaking of wives, I really need to check on mine. Are you coming?”

“Sure.”

Ashlyn's room was four walls, one of which was entirely glass so the nurses in the corridor could always see her effortlessly, and keep a close eye on her. This also meant that, when only a few visitors were allowed, others could stand in the corridor and at least look at her. Kyle and Ali stood there for a minute, watching as Ashlyn seemed to sleep peacefully, with Debbie chatting with Mike and Tammye by her bedside. Mike looked up and saw them, so he murmured something to the other women, that turned and smiled small at them while Mike made his way out of the room and to Ali.

“She's stable,” he said, bringing Ali in for a hug. “How are you doing?”

“I'm okay,” Ali hugged him back. “You?”

“Holding up fine. Chris had to return to work,” he explained, “but we're keeping him and the rest of the family updated. You go spend some time with her, I need a coffee.”

“Go get it,” Ali patted his back gently.

“I'll be right here, you go in.” Only three were allowed in there at the moment, so Ali walked inside, hugging her mother and mother in law.

They did some small talk, but Ali was more focused on Ashlyn, and kept caressing her short hair, messy by the frequent dressings, and her warm cheeks, pecking her lips now and then.

“You just wait babygirl, you'll be okay soon,” Ali reassured her wife, pressing her lips against her forehead.

“That might be true, actually,” Ashlyn's doctor arrived, carrying a warm smile. “Good news at last. Immunotherapy seems to be working and her own immune system has gotten stronger, the fever's vanished, the number of cancer cells has receded, her scalp is looking much better and the small portion of tumour in her brain hasn't grown an inch in several days. Her stats are all coming better, so we're going to start reversing the coma and depending on how she's feeling when she wakes up, we might be able to send her home. She can come for a couple hours now and then to get the meds and the rest of the treatment, other meds she can take at home, and she's got a strong support system to look after her, so she should be okay to stay away from here for a while.”

“Oh my God,” Ali half sobbed in relief, and hugged the doctor. “Thank you, thank you!”

“Does this mean she's going to be fine? No more cancer?” Tammye asked hopefully. The doctor and Ali separated and he looked sadly at them.

“Unfortunately, her life expectancy is still less than a year. But if she keeps responding well to the treatment, and it seems like we've finally found the right doses to make it work, then her quality of life could be quite good for most of the time she has left, she could go home, even travel a little, have time to put her affairs in order... but no, I don't think she can be fully cured. She'll have to learn to live with cancer for however long she has left.”

Ali released a deep sigh and put her arm around Tammye.

“It's better than nothing,” said Ali, rubbing her back. “Isn't time all we want? We'll buy her all the time we can, so she can prepare.”

Tammye nodded, looking down full of sadness.

“We'll make sure she has a really good time, all that she has left,” Debbie added, squeezing Tammye's hand.

And so a couple days later, with the sedatives being slowly, gradually reduced, Ashlyn woke up, tired, but feeling better than she had in a while. She had lost all her hair, even eyebrows, thanks to chemo, and radiotherapy had made the skin of her scalp and face a little flaky and dry, sometimes a little itchy, but she wasn't so nauseous anymore.

“So I can go home?”

Ashlyn had been in hospital for five weeks. Her friends had been visiting, now that they were allowed, but at the moment it was just she and Ali chatting with the doctor, that had brought the discharge papers.

“Yes, you're going home.”

“You're sending me home to die then.”

The doctor sighed and gently squeezed Ashlyn's forearm.

“I'm sending you home to get stronger. Hospitals are full of bacteria, and there are studies that show the benefits that it has for the health of long-time ill people to be home, in their surroundings, with their people, doing what makes them happy. I suggest you do lots of rest, specially for your head as you have, after all, have a few brain surgeries, which require a long recovery on their own, and eat healthy, do some light exercise when you feel best for it, try and do the stuff you like, nothing too physically extenuating though. I don't know, you like art, right? Do some paintings, write, maybe listen to music or catch up on series you were following. Surround yourself with those who love you and maybe, just maybe... the cancer will recede more.”

“But you don't think it'll ever completely go away?” Ali inquired, holding Ashlyn's hand between her own.

“I don't really think so, no, but never say never, uh? For the time being, if we can keep tumours from appearing or the one in the brain from growing, stay vigilant for any of the symptoms in the list I gave you, and keep drug side-effects at bay, we should feel victorious already. You know the time you have left, approximately, while most people don't, so spend it wisely, away from depressing hospital rooms. I honestly think it'll be beneficial.”

“What if she gets worse?” asked Ali. “Or she doesn't feel well from the meds?”

“You'll have mine and other contact numbers 24h 7 days a week, and you can always bring her back. And we'll be checking on her daily. I know having to come and go constantly is a pain but... at least you'll get to be home.”

“I'll certainly appreciate that,” Ashlyn nodded, taking the discharge papers from him and a pen to sign them. “Thanks doc.”

“Come on baby, let's get you dressed,” Ali excitedly kissed her cheek as the doctor left and stood up to go fetch the clothes from the bag in the closet. Ashlyn smiled softly at her, starting to feel excited. It was time to go home.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone,  
> I am updating some stories now, I'll slowly update more and more the next few days. I'm very sorry for the delay, I've just been writing stuff, relaxing, reconnecting with my mother as I didn't live in my hometown since last Autumn, and well, with myself.  
> So first things first, thanks everyone for all your comments and support, always. I think I've responded all comments and also I've been talking with some of you in my Tumblr Jantebellum, which has been really nice so if you've never left a comment or chatted with me in Tumblr come say hi, I don't bite :) also I wanted to invite you all to read this post I wrote https://jantebellum.tumblr.com/post/616297711696822272/my-take-on-ao3-and-fanfics it's a bit long but in it I'm talking about my writing process with fanfics, about my beliefs in fanfiction and about Archive of our Own, so you might find it interesting. And I know you're shy and I'm shy but PLEASE hit me up with any sort of conversation. Now that we're all so isolated, I really want to reach out to all of you, make sure you're all doing okay, bring my support and encouragement to you and hey, it's going to be okay, uh? This is just those dramatic ten chapters I always write but remember, the story always ends okay, even when you think there's no way. And if you feel lonely or anything, I'm here.  
> Much love everyone.  
> J.


	8. Home bound

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://jantebellum.tumblr.com/post/616566533139873792/thank-you

**Chapter 8: Home bound.**

The first few days at the house weren't too bad. Ashlyn wasn't feeling that strong yet, but she had a lot of snuggles in bed with Ali, which definitely helped. She had lost more than half her weight, and eating still didn't come easy, but Ali cooked for her, gave her back rubs, heated baths for her, and treated like a queen which helped a lot.

“You know what, Ali?” Ashlyn commented one night, staring lovingly at her as they lied on the garden hammock, together, snuggled in a blanket and contemplating the stars. It was a warm summer night, months now since Ashlyn's diagnose, still on cancer treatment but with the months left of life expectancy slowly coming to an end. Both women had stepped back from soccer, deciding to spend as much time as they could together. They went one week to Hawaii, but Ashlyn preferred to stay home, as she wasn't that strong, so they returned.

“What is it love?” Ali asked, pecking her lips. She hated how pale and sick Ashlyn looked. She still saw Parker now and then for coffee, and she had introduced him to Ashlyn, so he was helping them both come to terms with the situation, as he too started to recover and feel happier.

“I think I'm okay with...” Ashlyn half shrugged. “I think I've come to terms with my death. I think I accept it now.”

“Well you shouldn't,” Ali frowned, carefully rolling to face her. “You are feeling better every day. You are feeling stronger. Your tests are coming better and better. I have no doubt you're not dying anymore, love. I mean, you are like we all are, but your death is not like, right around the corner. We'll have more Christmases and birthdays... I just know it."

Ashlyn smiled softly and nodded.

“You're right. I'm getting better,” Ashlyn confirmed. “Maybe we can still try to have kids soon. Maybe by next year...”

“That's my girl,” Ali kissed her again. “I love you.”

“I love you too. God Ali, I love you so hard I feel like I could do anything when I look at you.” Said Ashlyn sweetly, cupping her jaw. Ali turned her face to kiss her palm and then her lips.

“Love is the most powerful force in the universe and we are meant to be. Nothing can separate us now. Nothing.”

Ashlyn loved her wife's optimism, and refusing to end it, wrapped her arms around her and nodded, keeping her close and looking at the stars. And right then, she wished more than anything to grow old with Ali, and never have to say goodbye.

The next day Pinoe, Sue, Abby and Glennon came to hang with them and they had lots of laughter and fun over a nice calm dinner at home. Ashlyn hadn't eaten much, but she enjoyed the company, and she felt blessed as it was, so she didn't ask for more. It was the next day though when her stomach started to hurt really badly.

“It's a bit swollen,” Ali determined after careful examination, when Ashlyn was in too much pain to leave the bed. “Come on, I'll get you to the car. Maybe the meds have caused some internal injury, better they see it in the hospital.”

The treatment was working well. The brain tumour had shrunk greatly, and no more tumours had appeared in the bones, although it was true that the soft tissue around them had become quite fragile, but they were working on fixing it.

“Alex it hurts so bad,” Ashlyn groaned, anguishing Ali as she threw her head back in pain, tossing in bed. “Oh God make it stop, please, make it stop...”

“I will,” Ali carefully sat her up and, doing her best to ignore her yelps in pain, Ali scooped Ashlyn up in her arms, making a show of her strength, and wrapped Ashlyn's legs around her waist, holding her in her arms. “Let's go, I'll get you a doctor. You hang in there, just hang in there...”

Ali was worried sick. She drove as fast as she could, and parked right at the door of the admissions door. Right as she was helping Ashlyn out of the car, helping her stand up as an ambulance was rushed to them, Ashlyn grabbed onto her shoulder for support and suddenly vomited all across the ground by their side. And when Ali saw, she felt her chest constrict; the vomit was mostly blood.

They took Ashlyn inside in a rush, to have tests done and treat her, and Ali waited by herself trying not to die from the anguish and anxiety. Ashlyn couldn't die. She couldn't die. Not like this. Ali grabbed her phone and looked to find someone, anyone, who could help. Her eyes fixed on Parker's number, and she called him, feeling on the edge of a breakdown.

“Hi Ali! What's up?” he saluted with the chirpy voice he got when he had spent hours drawing. The man really was an artist.

Unexpectedly, Ali started sobbing.

“I think... Ash's about to... die!”

**. . .**

The doctor took hours to come, and when he finally did, he was a bearer of bad news. In the meantime, Kyle and Parker had both arrived, and each stood at one side of Ali, trying to comfort her, while Ali was told that her wife's cancer had spread again, and this time to her intestines and stomach, so they had to do a big deal of a surgery to cut out portions of her digestive system in a desperate attempt to get the large tumours out.

However, when the surgery finally finished, hours later, Ashlyn was in a terribly bad shape and Ali called the family over, preparing for the worst. At last, Ali was allowed to see Ashlyn, who was awake after surgery, but looking ashen and weak, and still she managed a small smile for Ali, who did her best not to cry at the sight.

“Hi baby...” Ashlyn saluted weakly, offering a hand to hold hers. “How's my love?”

“Heartbroken,” Ali replied full of sadness. “I don't want to lose you baby. I can't lose you.”

Ashlyn took a deep breath that seemed to cost her a lot of physical effort, and pressed Ali's hand against her chest through the covers.

“This heart is yours. I'm yours. All of me,” murmured Ashlyn. “I will always be there, you won't lose me... I promise.”

“You can't promise that.”

Ashlyn's eyelids flickered as she struggled to stay awake, as tired as she felt, and her large hands wrapped around Ali and pulled her closer, making her sit on the edge of the bed.

“There isn't a force in this Earth that can keep me away from you,” Ashlyn assured weakly, but convinced. “You are... everything... to me.”

Ali took a deep breath in an effort to keep her tears at bay and held Ashlyn's face between her hands as she leaned in to kiss her.

“You've got my heart in your hands baby. Everything I am... is yours,” Ali assured her, staring at the bit of hazel eyes she could still see between her parted lids. “I love you.” She kissed her again, pressing their lips together hard, and felt Ashlyn's lip twitch into a small smile for a second before her wife's body relaxed under her touch.

And then, a deafening beep filled the room. It was all over.

  
  



	9. Beyond

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friendly reminder the fic has a major character death warning ;) sorry

**Chapter 9: Beyond.**

When Ashlyn woke up, she was lying on the beach. She felt young, full of strength and vitality, and practically jumped to her feet, examining her tattooed arms, patting her belly... she was wearing a bikini bra and shorts, and she couldn't see scars anywhere, nor excess of slimness. She looked healthy as a horse. She looked around and saw the waves, the sunny day, felt the warmth on her skin, and couldn't see anyone else around.

“Hello?!” Ashlyn shouted, but didn't see or hear a soul. “How did I even get here?” she was sick. Wasn't Ali just kissing her? What had happened? “I must be dreaming... Ali! Babe!” she still tried, but didn't see anyone. Then, she noticed her old surf board nailed on the sand, and grinned, running to it. She didn't remember feeling so good in a long time. Even her knees, that usually felt old, seemed young and strong again. She checked them, surprised to not find any scars on them. “Definitely a dream. Then...” she grabbed the board. “Time to surf!”

The water and the waves felt incredible, and Ashlyn soon felt like a teenager again, happy and free, with her face splashed with salt and her legs up at the top of incredibly big waves. Eventually though, she started feeling uneasy by the solitude, and returned to the beach. Everything looked very realistic for a dream, except the absence of people.

“Hello sweetheart,” Ashlyn turned around abruptly and to her surprise, saw her late Grandfather. But he was younger, without a wheelchair, grinning big at her.

“Pops!” Ashlyn giggled, running to him and jumping to his arms. He held her with surprising strength and spun her around, kissing her cheek. “I thought I'd never see you again!”

“Ah, I missed your hugs so much,” Kurt cupped his granddaughter's cheeks and beamed, patting them gently. “How are you feeling sweetie?”

“Amazing,” Ashlyn grinned. “I don't remember feeling this good in a long time. And you're here... God, this is great! Where are we?”

“Don't you recognize the beach where Nana and I used to take you all the time as a toddler? We'd come here with your cousins, you'd get some crabs...”

“You're right,” Ashlyn looked around and grinned. The sun was setting, and she pointed to it. “Reminds me of the evening I asked Ali to marry me. It was so pretty, like this.”

Kurt nodded silently, looking with her. The sunset seemed frozen, not advancing, so the light remained orange.

“Don't you think it's weird you're seeing me? I'm dead.”

“No one is dead in dreams, Pops.”

“Ashlyn, love... this isn't a dream,” he said. Ashlyn suddenly turned to him, frowning.

“What do you mean?”

Pops sighed sadly and took her hands. Around them, the beach suddenly disappeared and they were in a hospital room. Ashlyn looked and her heart sunk when she saw herself, ashen pale in bed, motionless, while Ali cried worse than she had ever heard her cry, slumped over her body. The doctors had turned the machines off, Tammye slumped over Ashlyn in the other side too, crying, and the rest of their families stood in shock, beginning to cry.

“You're dead.” Said Kurt. “The surgery was too much on your weakened body, and your heart, weakened by the chemotherapy and drugs, gave up.”

“No... no!” Ashlyn ran to her body, but her hand just passed through. “I want to wake up! Wake up! I don't like this dream no more!” she turned to her grandfather, her eyes full of tears. “HELP ME!”

Kurt wrapped his arms around her and held her tight as she cried.

“I'm so, so sorry, darling, but we can't come back. We can't wake up. We're dead.”

It seemed to take forever, but eventually Ashlyn calmed down, and they watched silently as time seemed to speed in the land of the living, and her body was taken away, Ali, looking like the dead, taken home by their families, and suddenly they were back at the beach.

“Is this heaven?” Ashlyn asked at last, sitting on the sand. She had never felt so sad in her life.

“No,” Kurt sat with her. “Some people call it limbo. You can be here, on your own, or go with the living, to check on them for a while. It's supposed to make the transition easier.”

“Transition?”

“Beyond the light,” Kurt pointed at the sun. “I haven't gone myself so I'm not sure how it works. Normally, someone from beyond will come and... help you get there. My father came to me when I died, my limbo looked like... the park where you guys used to run around after the birds, so I guess each looks different. He told me that, when I was ready, it was as easy as walking towards the light, until all I seemed to see around me was light, and then if I just walked a little more, my spirit would be free. I'd transition into beyond.”

“Why didn't you go?”

“I'm waiting for your Grandmother,” he replied simply. “And I was told to wait for you too.”

“Who told you all of this? God?”

“I'm not sure,” Kurt sighed. “Dad told me some, the rest... is like a voice in the wind tells me. I guess we could maybe be in a parallel dimension, God knows. Maybe heaven does exist after all.”

Ashlyn nodded, trying to understand.

“Did your Dad tell you about what's beyond?”

“He said everyone is there. He said there's no time, no pain, no sorrow... that you fly with the wind and become one with the universe. It's all I know.”

“And how do you... move around whatever... this whole thing...” Ashlyn didn't know how to express herself. She puffed impatiently. “How did we go to the hospital?”

“You close your eyes. Think of where you want to be the most.”

Ashlyn did so, and after a moment, the beach disappeared again and they appeared in Ashlyn and Ali's bedroom. Ali was in her pyjamas, crying as she hugged one of Ashlyn's goalkeeper jerseys to her chest, with one dog sitting at each side, trying to comfort her. Ashlyn felt heartbroken by the sight and rushed to Ali.

“Alex, my love, don't be sad, I'm here...” Ashlyn sat on the bed and wrapped her arms around Ali, even though it felt like hugging a cloud, she couldn't really feel Ali, or the bed, for that matter. “I'm here baby. I'm here.”

“Ashlyn...!” Ali cried out, her body shaking as the sadness rocked it.

“She can't hear you or see you,” Kurt explained. “Sometimes they feel us a little, when their guards are down... but usually, adults are too closed-up. Children and animals feel us better, and those adults who are freer in spirit, less enclosed by the society's beliefs.”

“I'm sick of this,” Ashlyn looked angrily at Kurt. “I can't be here. I have to help her, I need to... there has to be a way!”

“Ashlyn...” Kurt sighed, pulling her close out of the bed, to take her hands in his. “I know it's hard. I look at Nana every day wishing more than anything to be there. But they have to move on without us, and all we can do is stand around to encourage them and talk to them, hope in some level the positive energy of our words reach them and help them keep going, and wait until we have to bring them beyond. I could've gone and been summoned back when Nana died... but I like to see her every day. However, when it gets too much... you can ask for time to go faster. You think about it, and the events around you will go at a greater speed, so years can pass in moments, and you don't feel like you're waiting for an eternity. Time is an illusion, as I said. But you can't go back, Ash.”

Ashlyn was feeling so much anger she could explode. This wasn't fair. Ali needed her, she was getting better, she was supposed to be alive. She didn't know how she did it, but the room changed and now they stood in what looked like a morgue. Ashlyn's body was on a metal bed, as a make-up artist tried to make her look better for her funeral. Ashlyn walked to her body and angrily tried to lie on it, hold her own hand, become united to herself again... but somehow, she was just going through her body, unable to even touch it.

“Why can't I go back? I'm here! There are countless stories of people who go back, I have to—,”

“Your body is too wrecked, darling. A soul is heavy and requires too much energy to maintain... your body is too weak for that. I don't know how you reincarnate, only those who spent their lives meditating and God knows what else can open their minds to all knowledge in the beyond, I've no idea how it works... but I know we're not returning. Calm down now, Ash. Ali will be here eventually. If you wish to, you can experience time faster and in a moment, we'll have Ali here.”

“But I want her to live! And I want to live with her, damn it!”

Kurt sighed and squeezed her shoulder.

“I need to return to Nana, she's not doing well now you've died. My advise, darling? Just sit with Ali. Help her transition into her new life without you... and come with me to the beyond. We can return when it's time for them.”

“How will I find you if I need you?” Ashlyn asked in dismay.

“I'll be home,” Kurt smiled sadly, using his thumbs to brush the tears from Ashlyn's eyes. “Easy now, sunshine. It's gonna be all right.” Just like that, he disappeared, and Ashlyn stood there, feeling hollow.

Somehow, she returned to Ali. She watched her sleep and sang as Ali's soft snores filled the room. She didn't feel hunger or tiredness, she had no notion of time passing, and when the sun illuminated the room, she was momentarily surprised. Then the dogs ran to wake Ali up, and to her greater surprise, started barking at Ashlyn.

“This is how you treat Mama?” Ashlyn snorted a laugh, trying to pet them, but again, they felt like clouds of cotton she couldn't really touch.

“Storm, Logan!” Ali rubbed her eyes. She looked so sad, sitting sleepy on the bed looking around. “What's the matter?” then she followed the dogs' eyes and saw Ashlyn's closet, that she had left open. She sighed and walked over to the dogs, holding them close. “Mama's not coming back girls... Mama's gone...”

Ashlyn sighed, kneeling and trying to caress Ali's face.

“When are you going to believe me when I say I'm yours? I've got nowhere else to go.” She kissed Ali's forehead and for a moment, the brunette seemed to stiff, as if feeling something, and then shook her head, shaking the feeling off.

“I'm going to the shower, and then we'll go on a walk. Leave Mama's stuff alone,” Ali told the dogs, closing the closet and sighing, as she looked around the empty room. “I miss her too...”

Ashlyn waited sitting on the bed, and before she knew it, she was standing as Ali changed clothes to assist to her own funeral.

“Put on something sexy,” Ashlyn reminded her with a small smile, content with seeing her wife's naked butt.

Maybe Ali didn't hear her, but somehow, she stopped for a moment, as if a memory had just struck her. Then, Ashlyn saw her smile full of sadness and walk to a drawer, from where she pulled a thong Ashlyn loved to see her on. Ashlyn laughed and Ali seemed to snigger.

“I hope you're watching Ash...”

“Oh believe me babe, I wouldn't miss this for the world.”

Ali put the thong on and a dark olive green dress Ashlyn had often liked on her, together with a long dark coat. She couldn't believe she was about to go to the love of her life's funeral, and her heart ached so much she had to stop and have crying breaks repeatedly. Ashlyn kept throwing words of encouragement and love, and at last, they were both at the funeral. Ashlyn couldn't believe she was about to see herself be cremated.

The cemetery was full of people that Ashlyn soon realized weren't dead or alive, just spirits trying to get their loved ones to listen, or silently walking by their side, or hanging around their tombs. Her grandfather sat on the floor with a hand over her grandmother's on the wheelchair's arm, and she seemed settled down with him there. Her parents looked like a shell of themselves, and Christopher looked completely devastated. Kyle hugged Ali tight, and Parker stood nearby, with glassy eyes, shaking his head in disbelief.

There were so many guests Ashlyn felt immediately touched and moved, and she cried standing by Ali, wishing she was alive more than anything. She watched curious as her tears vanished before touching the ground, and a stray cat stopped to smell her feet, even though she was dead. That's when she noticed she was now wearing actual clothes, the same maroon boots and jumper, with jeans, that she had worn on her engagement pictures, and she wondered how did she control which clothes to see herself in. Then, Ashlyn noticed she hadn't checked her hair, and touched her head to discover it was long again and back in a tight bun.

“Don't leave me...” Ashlyn blinked and saw herself suddenly in her room again. Ali was hugging the urn of her ashes tightly, crying, and Ashlyn was once again heartbroken, looking at her.

“I won't. I promise baby.” She put a hand on her shoulder, and released a deep breath. How was she going to do this?

  
  



	10. Reawakening

**Chapter 10: Reawakening.**

It was late at night when Ali and Parker were returning from a night out. Parker had been taking Ali out of the house to get some air, often going on walks around the house or sitting in his flat to have some tea and talk. Ali was quite depressed, but when Ashlyn tagged along, which was always, she was grateful to see Parker was really doing his best to help her. He'd tell her how he was dealing with his own wife's passing, convince her to tag along to his support group meetings for widows and widowers, and often cook healthy meals for her, because Ali didn't feel like cooking. All their friends and family were often around too, but no one seemed to know what to say better than Parker.

As Ashlyn watched him drive, with calm music in the car, and Ali slept in the seat next to him, Ashlyn wondered if maybe he could be Ali's next love. The man was handsome. He was quite tall, athletic, had some muscle going, and his hair, a mixture between dark blonde and light brown, was stylish and wasn't covering his body too much. The hair in his arms was almost blonde, anyway, so he didn't look like a bear. And he was sweet, kind, treated her right. Ashlyn would've been jealous, if it wasn't because she was so grateful for every time he made Ali smile.

“You have to take good care of her, okay dude?” Ashlyn said, leaning towards Parker's ear as she sat in the seat behind him. She had been dead about a month now, and the world was mourning her all over the internet, the social media, TV... making it hard for Ali to disconnect from her harsh reality. With Parker, however, she did. “She's my whole heart. She's special. She's sexy, beautiful, and so, so good... you can't hurt her. You have to treat her right or otherwise, you'll have to respond to me.”

Parker cleared his throat and frowned, looking around nervously for a moment. He felt chills, for some reason, and Ashlyn sat back, not wanting to startle him. She had noticed that sometimes, particularly when the living were tired or sick, they got uneasy if she was too close. She had once accidentally woken Ali up in the middle of the night, after all.

It has rained during the day and the road was slippery. Ali had refused a birthday party just the week before, but tonight Parker had convinced her to go eat tacos and assist to a small concert in a basement, and now he was driving carefully, mindful of the slippery asphalt. There weren't many cars out. Ashlyn saw a big family car in the far distance, and a tanker ahead of them. The tanker seemed to be struggling not to skid, so Parker reduced the speed. His square jaw tensed as he braked a bit, eyes glued to the tanker, and Ashlyn gave a silent nod of approval. She was liking this guy.

Suddenly, one of the tanker's tires seemed to blow and the driver lost control of the tanker, that swirled at fast speed. Parker's eyes widened and he swerved hard trying to avoid the collision. Then the car skid and Ashlyn appeared herself outside, seeing if she could somehow control the swirling of their car, but she couldn't, and it skid out of the road, hitting a tree hard.

“Ali!” Ashlyn screamed and ran to them. The tanker had ultimately just rolled to its side and the driver was slumping out of it, disoriented, while the family car had parked aside and the family was running to help them. Ashlyn rushed to Parker's car, that was smoking, and saw Ali groan, covering her bruised forehead with one hand and looking around. The airbag had broken her nose, that bled copiously, but she seemed able to move. “Ali, baby, are you all right?” Ashlyn extended her hand towards the door handle with urgency and somehow, it yanked open. Ali stared at it, confused.

“What the...?” Ali's legs flexed and stretched, and then she turned and she and Ashlyn both saw Parker. His head head hit the window hard, and was bleeding a lot, and the seat belt had made a cut along his clavicle that would need stitching. “Parker! Parker, wake up!” Ali shook him, but he wasn't moving.

And then, to Ashlyn's astonishment, Parker seemed to leave his body and stand next to her, patting himself and looking at his dead body and at Ali, now crying, frantically trying to take him up.

“What the hell?” Parker frowned, staring at the scene, and then he saw Ashlyn, who looked about as surprised. “Ashlyn! What are you... What...?”

“Well you're dead,” Ashlyn said full of astonishment, and groaned. “Shit, Ali can't lose you too.”

Parker looked from her to Ali and then somehow, he smiled.

“Rose's waiting for me, isn't she?”

“I...” Ashlyn shrugged. “She must be beyond.”

“Of course she is. I've gotta go mate, nice to see you though!”

“Wait! You're just gonna go? What about her?”

The wind seemed to be murmuring something and Parker stood to listen for a moment, but Ashlyn couldn't understand. Then he squeezed her shoulder.

“She'll be okay. She has you, isn't it? And you said you'd do anything to stay... Yours has always been a legendary love story, so maybe it's time to... say resume it. Take care of her for me. Goodbye, Ash.”

Before she could say anything else, he turned around and disappeared, and the voices vanished too, leaving a deafening silence. Ashlyn looked at Ali in shock. The brunette seemed to have fainted, slumped against Parker's body.

“Baby, no...” Ashlyn saw the family come and call an ambulance. She could feel Ali was still warm, and tried to wrap her arms around her. As she did so, her arm felt a pulling from Parker's body. She didn't understand, but she let the pulling bring her hand to Parker's shoulder, and her hand disappeared inside his body and felt warm. “What the...?” _She has you_. Ashlyn's eyes widened with realization and, without waiting another moment, she closed her eyes and leaned into Parker's body.

**. . .**

Her eyes parted open and she groaned deeply with a headache, although she didn't recognize her own voice. It was deeper now, soft, somewhat familiar, although a little hoarse. Her hands felt big against her face, and she blinked her eyes open, and stared at her hands, except that they weren't hers. These hands were like a pianist's hands, with long fingers, were big, but had the hair Ashlyn's hands had never had. It was dark blonde, and it covered parts of the back of her hands and fingers. Her bare arms had the same type of hair running over the skin, and they also looked familiar, save for a white bandage that wrapped around her left wrist and part of her hand.

“Oh no,” she whispered, feeling an unfamiliar organ between her legs. “Oh, no, no...”

“Good morning, Mr Wyatt,” a doctor appeared, and smiled at her. “It's good to see you woke up. How are you feeling, uh?”

“I... have a headache,” Ashlyn replied. Although to her doctor, she wasn't Ashlyn, Ashlyn was dead. She was Parker Wyatt.

“Your scalp fractured, there was a bleeding in your head... to be honest we were surprised you were alive with such a bleeding, and that you did so well during the surgery. It's fixed now, but you should take it easy for the next few weeks. You got a small fracture in your wrist too, and we had to stitch up the skin on your left clavicle, but miraculously, you should be just fine.”

“What about the girl that was with me?” Ashlyn asked, trying not to cringe at the new voice she had. It was a nice one, yes, but she wasn't used to it.

“Mrs Krieger? She's all right, she's signing her discharge right now. Her parents-in-law are with her, apparently they live really close,” the doctor replied. “She was also asking about you.”

“Her nose was broken, is she going to be fine?”

“Yeah, it's a small fracture, just tons of bleeding, but it's all controlled now. She has a minor concussion as well, but nothing else. Seeing how the car looked, you guys are a miracle.”

“Can I see her?”

The door opened, and Ali appeared. She was dressed, her nose looked bruised and had a small cast, and she had a bump on her forehead, but her face lit up when she saw Parker's face and she beamed, running to hug him.

“You're okay! I was so scared!”

Ashlyn almost cried. She could hug Ali back, smell her, feel her... she was alive... at last.

“I'm okay baby. I'm fine.” She said emotional. Ali abruptly separated, looking confused.

“Baby?”

“Oh, sorry,” Ashlyn quickly corrected. “It's my head, the doctor said I got a pretty bad concussion... it slipped, sorry.”

“It's okay. My poor Parker, I'll look after you and you'll be okay soon,” Ali kissed her forehead, relieved.

“How's your memory, Mr Wyatt?” asked the doctor. Ashlyn almost wanted to laugh. Her memory was perfect, but she could only remember her life, not Parker's. She barely even knew things about Parker.

“It's uh... I guess I have a bad case of amnesia I just... I don't remember my family, do I have anyone to call?” Ashlyn asked innocently. “Friends? I don't know... only Ali, she's all I remember. And I work drawing cartoons, I believe? I think I'm from DC, but I've been living here for ages, because my late wife was from Florida,” she said the bits she knew. “But I don't remember anything before meeting Ali. No schools, nothing.”

Ali and the doctor exchanged a worried expression, but Ashlyn was completely calm. She remembered herself. She knew what mattered.

“Uhm, Parker...” Ali started casually. “You have no family. Your parents died years ago, your uncle died last year, all you got are a couple cousins you're not very close to, and a few friends I could call... I could also call Rose's mother if you want.”

“Oh, but you're also you know, recovering,” said Ashlyn casually. “It's okay Ali, I'll email them myself when I'm home. When can I go home, by the way?”

“We'll keep you today for observation, probably release you tomorrow. I am concerned about the amnesia though, seems quite too big and I want to make sure you've got a life to go back to. If you don't remember your job nor have anyone to look after you... maybe it's wiser to keep you longer.”

“Don't worry doctor, he has me, I'll take care of him,” Ali said confidently. Ashlyn did her best not to smile too big.

“Thank you Ali, so very sweet of you.”

When the doctor left, Ali looked down at Ashlyn with a small frown.

“Do you really don't remember a thing? You say it so calmly...”

“Swet— Ali,” Ashlyn corrected herself on time, “you see, it's hard to be distressed when I don't know what I've forgotten. And I remember you, and our coffee dates, I remember last night seeing you sleep in the car, and knowing you and all... that feels good enough.” Ali smiled small.

“I'll do my best to bring some memories back. For now though, you'll be happy to know you're quite rich.”

“Am I?”

“Your drawings sell very well and the producers that hired you pay well, but you insist on not flaunting it and living humbly in a flat because you say it keeps you grounded. But it's good that now you won't have to worry about money.”

Ashlyn stared at Ali for a long moment. She had missed being seen by her so much, and now she was very tempted to tell her she was still Ashlyn, but she knew news like this, so unbelievable and incredible, needed to be told tactfully, or she'd be locked in the psych ward before she had time to enjoy her new life.

“Ali... do you think that maybe those who love us, never really leave us?”

Ali blinked a few times in surprise, and sat on the edge of his bed.

“You used to say that's true. For me, I...” she puffed. “Sometimes I do feel like Ashlyn's not so far but... I also like to think she's in peace, in heaven.” _Oh Alex, my death has been everything but peaceful..._

“I was just thinking that there are many cultures that believe in reincarnation, spirits, ghosts... and we have it in books and films all the time. Harry Potter, _The Ghost Whisperer_ , _Medium_... all these things...” Ashlyn commented. “I think if there's such a big belief around it, then maybe it's true. Maybe there are ghosts, and spirits, and maybe when we die a part of us stays. Like the energy.”

“Why are you talking about this now?”

“Last night,” said Ashlyn, in Parker's body and with Parker's voice, “I saw Ashlyn. I thought I had dreamed it but... I was looking at myself. I was outside my body, looking at myself unconscious there, and you with your bleeding nose... and Ashlyn was there, trying to hold you, calling your name—,”

“Parker don't do this, we don't joke with—,”

“I'm not joking! I swear,” Ashlyn insisted. “I was thinking maybe it was a dream but... when she saw I could see her, she told me to tell you something. It makes no sense to me, but maybe to you... she said that she loved the...” Ashlyn was conscious of Parker's ears blushing. “The thong that you wore for her funeral. She found it really sexy, she said it was her favourite.”

Ali's jaw dropped.

“How did you know that? Who told you...?”

“I'm telling you, Ashlyn told me herself. She told me to take care of you, she told me to tell you how much she loves you,” Ashlyn continued, reaching out to hold Ali's hand. “She said you can wear her hoodie to bed all you like, but that you should smile more often. She said that she's okay, that you shouldn't worry about her, that she's looking after you and the family.”

Ali's eyes filled with tears and she stood up abruptly, relinquishing her hand. Then she looked angrily at him.

“How you dare to try tricks on me about my late wife?!” she snapped angrily at Ashlyn/Parker.

“I swear it's not a trick. I swear,” Ashlyn promised, trying to stay calm. “She didn't tell me to upset you, she thought it'd be comforting for you to know. She helped me come back to... I guess I was dying, and she helped me return. Ali, what sense would it make that I'd lie to you? You're all I have now!”

Ali meditated it for a long moment and then seemed to calm down, sitting again.

“Fine... did she... did she say anything else?”

Pretending to be trying to remember, Ashlyn squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, and then nodded.

“Actually, yes. She said... she said you should have hope. That everything will be okay, and you should stay positive, because everything happens for a reason and that the love she felt for you... that's always going to stay. She wanted you to know how much she still loves you, and... well,” she smiled timidly. “She thought you and I would make a cute couple, but she said whoever you decide to be with, if you decide to start dating again... that she approves. That she wants you to be happy.”

Ali gulped, feeling as if she had a rock in her throat, and cleared her throat, rubbing her eyes.

“Can you see her now?”

“No. But I'm sure she's here,” Ashlyn reassured her. “The way she was taking your hands last night, trying to wake you up... I'm sure she never leaves your side. Not for long, at least. And she was so worried last night, she probably wants to make sure you're okay.”

“If you see her again,” said Ali in a mere whisper. “Tell her she needs to move on, okay? Tell her I'm okay, but that she deserves to move on and be in peace, not babysitting me. And that I love her. That she will always...” she gulped. “No matter who comes, she will always be the one for me. I'll never love anyone like I love her.”

Ashlyn smiled softly and gave her hand a gentle squeeze.

“I don't need to see her. I'm sure she's heard that. Somehow, you know, we have to keep our minds open. The universe is full of incredible wonders hard to explain.”

Ali half smiled sadly and nodded, sniffling a bit.

“Yeah... that's what she used to say.”

“Come here,” Ashlyn sat up in bed and opened her arms, offering a hug. Ali smiled sadly and sank into Parker's arms, and has they hugged, Ashlyn really struggled not to cry. She had missed Ali's scent, touch, hugs so badly, she never wanted it to end. Meanwhile, Ali had a shocking feeling. There was something about this hug, the way Parker's hands were exactly where she liked it, and she wasn't squeezed too hard or too light, but just like she liked it, the way Parker nuzzled into her neck... This wasn't how Parker usually hugged her.

This was how Ashlyn used to hug her.

  
  



	11. I think I already know you

**Chapter 11: I think I already know you.**

For a couple weeks, Ashlyn/Parker lived in Ali's house, and for the brunette, it was all kinds of weird. Parker moved around as if he had always lived there, knowing exactly where everything was, what she liked or didn't like, how the dishwasher worked, which things went in and which ones were washed aside, how to do their laundry, and the dogs seemed to love him from day one, and were always cuddling with him. He kept everything so neat, clean and tidy in a way that was just strikingly like Ashlyn's, with the same little obsessions and fixations, and she didn't remember ever seeing Ashlyn and Parker being so alike. They watched the same stuff on TV, read the same stuff, had the same lack of interest about the same things, and when she saw Parker sleep in the guest room, he was sleeping snuggled like a ball, like Ashlyn, in the same side of the bed, and with the blankets equally tucked.

“Parker...” Ali said as they dinned one night, and she was being crept out once more by the way Parker was carving the chicken with Ashlyn's technique, and had caught an orange before it fell to the floor without looking, with Ashlyn's precision of a goalkeeper. “Is it possible that... you've read a lot about Ashlyn? Or saw many videos?”

Parker frowned lightly, confused.

“No, I don't spend the day Googling her. You tell me enough about her. Why?”

“Well it's just like since the car accident, you seem... different. It's a good different, it just, sometimes you remind me of Ashlyn a lot, if I'm honest.”

Parker chuckled, giving her exactly her favourite part of the chicken without having to ask which part was it.

“Are you happy about it?”

“I find it a bit weird but...” Ali shrugged. “It's okay.”

“Well as long as you're happy, I'm happy. Drink the juice now, otherwise all the good bits—,”

“—will sink like the Titanic?”

They stopped for a second, staring at each other. Ashlyn said that all the time when she made Ali juice, like Parker had that night. Parker, however, didn't use to say it before the car accident. In fact, he didn't really drink juice.

“That's what I was going to say,” Parker snorted a laugh. “Funny how sayings go. By the way, is it okay if I use Ashlyn's car tomorrow? I was thinking I could do some big shopping, and I do remember how to drive.”

“Sure thing but... Ashlyn's car has gears. She liked the old school feeling of it, and I thought you only knew how to drive automatics?”

Ashlyn panicked for a second. It was true, Parker's car was automatic.

“Uh, yeah but actually, I remember how to drive normal cars. I'll be okay.”

“All right,” Ali nodded. “I'm going to get some coffee. Do you want some? The doctor cleared you for coffee today, right?”

“Yeah, black, no sugar, just...”

“A couple drops of milk,” Ali murmured, thinking of how Ashlyn liked it. The goalkeeper had always gone between that and cappuccinos, depending on the hour of the day.

“How did you know?” Parker chuckled. “That's exactly right!”

“But Parker,” Ali frowned lightly. “You always have half coffee, half milk. You used to say otherwise it tastes too hard.”

“Really?” Ashlyn tried to find a good excuse. “Must be the hit on the head. Those things change people, isn't it?”

“Yeah, you're right,” Ali managed a smile. “I'll be right back.”

When it was time to go to bed, Ashlyn spent a long time staring at her full naked body in the mirror in the guest's bathroom. She was still getting used to her new body, to being a man more specifically. Her feet were about the same size they always were, if anything slightly wider, not deformed by years of cleats, and covered by some dark blonde fuzzy hair, her legs were quite hairy, and her crotch, and she had a dick, which was something she was still needing a lot of time to get used to, although she had to admit the idea of never having a period again, and not having to undo her trousers to pee, was quite nice. Parker was about as muscled as Ashlyn had been, although with men, it marked more. She had some nice abs, not too much chest, belly and back hair, and at least not too dark, and her arms were strong and fit. Ashlyn felt good in Parker's body. He had no tattoos, but he was healthy, she had seen the hospital records. No previous surgeries, no previous fractures, no allergies... quite the good health. And according to Ali, he had played American football in college and during his teens, so it explained his good physique. Still, Ashlyn had a lot to get used to.

“Well if this is the price I have to pay to be back to Ali...” she murmured, getting used to her own voice, as she shaved. “I'll damn pay it. Besides, if I had to be a man, I'm glad at least this body rocks.”

Meanwhile, Ali was calling her brother from her bed.

“Hi Princess! How're you feeling?” Kyle was always worried sick about her these days.

“I'm fine listen Kyle, Parker is creeping me out.”

“What? What's he done?”

“Nothing it's just... he doesn't seem Parker. I get that he was hit badly on the head but... I've known him for months and he's just a whole different person. He even sits different. He's just starting to behave a lot like...”

“Like...?”

“Well...”

“Spill it sis.”

“Ashlyn. He's reminding me heavily of her. The way he sits, the vocabulary he uses, the way he express himself, the way he dresses, plays with the dogs, has his coffee... everything he does lately is just like Ashlyn. This morning he was watching the NWSL and he said 'get it, biiitch!' in Ashlyn's exact same manner, and take this, he knows all the soccer rules, knows the name of every player in the NWSL, the teams, everything... Parker wasn't into soccer. Before the accident, he didn't even know what penalty kicks were. Now he even knows Marta's statistics!”

“That's a bit weird,” Kyle admitted through the phone, staring at her with a frown through the screen.

“And he suddenly has interest in everything Ashlyn loved. He wants to go to the aquarium, he loves sharks, he calls eggplant 'that slimy thing', he hates the same texture foods Ashlyn hated... it's like a complete different person from the man I knew. He doesn't even hug the same.”

“Well you know how head trauma can change people Ali...”

“And transform them into my dead wife?”

They stared at each other in shock, and Ali looked so confused and troubled Kyle didn't know what to do.

“What are you suggesting?”

Ali shrugged, shaking her head.

“I've been doing some research and... Those who believe in spirits and all that crap, and I'm not saying I do, but those who do... they say apparently when we die, sometimes we don't just go, sometimes spirits can't move on, stay tied because something keeps them from leaving. Like a strong connection to someone here. And I know Ashlyn didn't want to go, she was adamant about staying close... and so I read in those cases, sometimes, in certain circumstances... they can occupy the body of someone who's recently died, as long as they've pretty much just died, and the spirit or soul in them moved on. And they may forget they are someone else's soul, they may forget they were dead and came back.”

“Wait a second, are you saying Ashlyn has possessed Parker?”

“No,” Ali gulped, not knowing what to think. “I'm saying maybe Parker is dead, and Ashlyn was there and just... took his body.”

“To be a guy? She'd have to have lost her right mind—,”

“She died too soon, she wasn't ready,” Ali whispered. “She always said she'd do anything to be with me just one hour more. She said she wouldn't leave me. I think she would condemn herself to living the rest of her life as a man, losing a big part of her identity, if it meant getting more time here, with me, with the dreams we had.”

Kyle let a long sight out.

“Okay... okay... I think I know someone who can help.”

“A medium? Those just want your money, Kyle...”

“No, well, sort of. In film school I had this friend who comes from a long, very traditional line of gypsies from Romania. Her family lives in a community of gypsies in New Orleans,” Kyle explained. “And her mother is the community's healer. She uses herbs and—,”

“Homoeopathy.”

“Sort of, but more rudimentary, more in the old school day. And my friend once confessed to me her mother could speak with spirits, that she usually helped them move on. My friend has been studying the occult for years, she loves that sort of stuff... and we became really good friends. She'd love to help. She or her mother could tell us if Ashlyn's or Parker's spirits are around.”

“Bring them on.”


	12. All over again

**Chapter 12: All over again.**

It took a long time to plan the whole thing, having in count Kyle had to arrange flying her friend's mother from New Orleans to Orlando, but the family was willing and didn't want for them to pay anything but the expenses of the trip, so it would happen.

In the meantime, Ali tried her best to live with Parker without being crept out. She showed his flat once more, once he felt well enough to live on his own, and observed with curiosity how even though Parker moved around her house with utter comfort, he seemed to be a complete stranger to his own flat. He didn't know where anything was, or even where the light switches were for each room.

Meanwhile, Ashlyn took advantage of being somewhere without Ali close all the time to plan how to get her back. She knew Ali was starting to feel something, but Ali was always the more stubborn and close-minded of them, and didn't really believe anything she couldn't see and study. So she decided to plan them a date that was as much like their first day as possible.

Parker's car was done, so about a month after the car crash, when she felt up for driving long distances, she rented a new one as similar as possible to her old car, bought Ali's favourite flowers and a soccer ball, prepared a bit of a picnic, and picked Ali up at home telling her they were going to the beach. To Ali's utter surprise, Parker knew exactly where to go and how. He drove, while chatting amicably with her, with a playlist sounding that he had composed. To Ali's further surprise, the playlist had each and every song Ali and Ashlyn loved the most, including some from her wedding, and she ended up getting emotional and asking Parker to please turn it off. They arrived to the beach, that Ali couldn't believe was the same one Ashlyn had taken her to the first time they had been in Florida together, near Satellite Beach, and Parker took her to the same side where she and Ali had sat a decade before.

“Oh my God,” Ali's eyes widened, seeing the flowers, the picnic... it was just like that day. Parker grinned, finishing to set it all up.

“You like it? I figured it'd be a good way for saying thank you for your enormous, generous help these days.” But Ali's eyes filled with tears, and Parker worried, rushing to her. “Shit, are you okay? Did I offend you somehow? I didn't mean to hurt you...”

Ali sniffled and shook her head, covering her mouth with one hand and holding the flowers in the other.

“You're copying the first date I had with my Ashlyn,” Ali managed to say between the tears. “Why? How did you even know?”

Parker sighed and motioned for her to sit down on the towel, sitting in front of her. He put the flowers away and took her hands in his, locking eyes with her. He took a deep breath before he spoke.

“When Ashlyn was three, she was so scared because her Dad got drunk and violent, that she ran carelessly, stumbled with something, and knocked her forehead on a corner. That's why she had a very slight scar right here,” he pointed to the middle of Ali's forehead. “It was almost impossible to see now. The situation home was so shitty she went to live with her grandparents by the age of fourteen, and at sixteen, she got her first tattoo, honouring her grandmother's Cancer fight, right here,” he pointed to his own side, and Ali observed, speechless. “That's why her Grandmother didn't kill her when she found out she had secretly gotten a tattoo. When she first saw you at soccer camp, Ashlyn thought you were the most beautiful, incredible woman she had ever seen, and she knew she had to marry you. For her, it was love at first sight. She became obsessed with you, and it was sometimes so hard, because you weren't out of the closet and she didn't want for your life to get crazy... but she knew you were the one, and she knew she was the one for you, so she kept fighting, knowing she could make you so happy everything would be worth it. The first time she kissed you, she was sure you were going to slap her,” his eyes were tearful, and Ali's brain seemed to have stalled, “she came into your hotel room one night, drunk, pissed because you were dating someone who just didn't deserve you, and fought with you until in the end, you asked who did she think could be good enough for you, and she replied herself. She took your face in her hands,” Parker's soft hands cupped her cheeks. “Like this. And she kissed you. That night she also taught you how great it feels to be eaten out, without making you return the favour. And on your wedding night, Ashlyn told you that she wished she had known she'd end up with you when she was struggling with addiction and depression, because if she had known how worth it, it would be, she wouldn't have been so sad. She said you made every rough patch so, so worth it.”

Ali was breathless. Tears fell freely down her cheeks as her brain tried desperately to catch up and understand what was happening. Finally, it clicked.

“Ash?”

Parker grinned in a way that was strikingly similar to Ashlyn's, with even a dimple showing, and very different from Parker's.

“Yes, my love.”

That said, Parker leaned forward, and kissed her. Only that it wasn't Parker. As soon as their lips collided, Ali smelled Ashlyn, felt Ashlyn, and the familiarity was the same as with Ashlyn. Parker's mouth moved just like Ashlyn's had, with the same deep knowledge of what Ali liked or not, and his hands gently pressed against her back in the same way, making Ali moan into the kiss and press herself closer. At last they parted for air and Parker, or better said Ashlyn, was crying, nuzzling into Ali's neck and wrapping his arms tight around her. Ali pressed her eyes closed tight and wrapped her arms around Parker's neck.

“How?” Ali asked.

“I don't know,” Ashlyn released a shaky breath, trying to compose herself. “All I know is I died, and it was awful. I could see and feel all you and the others suffered and I couldn't do anything Ali, I couldn't...” Ali held his face in her hands, staring into his deep green eyes that suddenly seemed to look at her like only Ashlyn could. “And then Parker died. He's dead Ali, and I saw him, he seemed to encourage me, he went ahead, with Rose... all I could think about was that if it worked, I'd hold you once more. It's all I wanted.”

“Oh baby,” Ali cried out. “Is it really you?”

“It's me baby. I never left.”

Ali kissed him/her again, feeling the tears in her lips, and kissed, and kissed, until again they were breathless. Then, she held Parker close and, with a tearful giggle, pecked her lips. Parker just smiled, in the most Ashlyn-like way, with his arms around her.

“You became a man just so you could hang out with me a little more?”

“There is nothing I wouldn't do for you. Nothing.”

“My love... oh my love...” Ali felt so blessed, so full, so happy. She'd never again hold Ashlyn as Ashlyn, she'd have to get used to a completely different body and sex, voice, everything, but it didn't matter. Just like she had never cared about Ashlyn's appearance, had never minded short or long hair, tattoos, dyes, styles... once again she found she didn't care if this change was so drastic either. All that mattered was that her wife was back and it was a miracle.

  
  



	13. Reconnect with my heart

**Chapter 13: Reconnect with my heart.**

“There you go,” Ashlyn/Parker placed the glass of wine in Ali's hand and joined her, sitting by her side on the attic's large divan, with legs stretched in front of her and a whiskey on the rocks in her hand. They had installed the divan there, with some cosy blankets, in their efforts to make the attic a cosy space that also served as a very organized storage room. The divan was right below the low roof windows, and from there, they could see all the stars in the sky. It was kinda magical.

“Thank you,” Ali smiled warmly at her, and leaned against her shoulder. It felt somewhat different than Ashlyn's actual shoulder, but it was okay. Ashlyn pressed her lips against her wife's head and looked up at the stars, content, while taking a long sip off her glass.

They had spent two hours in the beach catching up, telling each other everything that had happened, crying, consoling each other, speaking of death and life and how everything they had always believed in was now turned upside down with a dozen new realities they had never known. Ashlyn was the only person they knew who had returned from the death to tell the story, and she wasn't sure yet how many people she wanted to tell.

“So...” Ali said at last, looking up at Ashlyn. “Parker's death.”

“He is. I'm just borrowing his body, with his blessing,” Ashlyn nodded. “I'm sorry, babe. He really is not coming back.” Ali sighed and shrugged.

“Well somehow you live in each other now so... I don't think I'll miss him so much. It makes me happy to think he found Rose again.”

“Yeah... me too.”

“We should tell your family. Your Mum's been so depressed...”

“Tell them what, Ali?” Ashlyn snorted a laugh. “Hi Mum is your daughter, I've possessed my male friend's body so I can come back from the dead and spend eternity with the woman I love. Baby, I could give her a heart attack. And Nana... No, I'm afraid Ashlyn Harris will have to die.”

“Ashlyn please... let's just tell our relatives, okay? I'm not sure I can pretend to be all mourning and sad at your death anniversary when you're not dead, and besides, I want to be with you but for all the world knows I'm the bitch who loved Ashlyn so little she could hook up with some dude no less just a few months after her death. I'd like for at least our families to know the truth, so they know I didn't move on with someone else just like that. And maybe our closest friends...”

“Alex, I understand, but the more people know, and with Ashlyn Harris being a public personality, and you as well, the harder it will be to keep it a secret. We're talking about a life-long secret, it's a very long time and it's way bigger than hiding our relationship. And it has to be a secret because the world will not understand, hell, we barely do... if the world knows, they could come and get me, put me in a psychiatric hospital for life, or the military may want to subject me to experiments, if not some scientists...”

“Do you really think that could happen?”

“Of course!” Ashlyn snorted a laugh. “Alex, have you grasped the full reality of our situation? I was dead, and I can tell how my own funeral was, I saw our friend die, and I agreed with him on possessing his body and now I'm a man. It sounds bloody crazy, and you know what happens to anyone who starts talking like that... society labels them as completely nuts, and they lose everything. And in my case, I'd be screwing not just my reputation as Ashlyn, but Parker's too.”

“But what else Ash? You can't live Parker's life. You don't know anything about his life, how are you going to talk with his cousins and friends? They have to know Parker is dead, and besides, when you die you can't be buried as Ashlyn Harris again, you'll be Parker Wyatt.”

“I know...” Ashlyn took a deep breath and a sip of her drink, thoughtful.

“All right... first, we need to get that friend of Kyle's you were telling me about. With her, we'll try to speak with Parker, and we will gather in a room Parker's closest people. His relatives, friends, whatever he has. And with this woman's help, we will do our best to make them understand Parker has died, and I'm not him, but that it's key that no one knows. I will access Parker's savings and properties, donate everything to whoever was in his will, and if he didn't have one, his relatives, I will give them the flat, I will quit his job, I will make sure to leave his life closed and tied-up so it's all good.”

“All right, then?”

“I'll change my name and get a new phone. I'll need a completely new identity, I can't be Parker, he was our friend... Officially in the papers I will have Parker's relatives, Parker's birth place, Parker's curriculum, education... so it may be tricky to figure out what to do with my life professionally now that I've lost all my fame, popularity, reputation and career, but it's the least of my concerns. I'll figure something out when the time comes. I'll get laser removal of this bloody itchy shit,” she added scratching her stubble. “A new hair style, some tattoos... I'll build myself a new identity as a man. Something I can be comfortable in for the rest of my life. By then I'd have been dead for months and months, these things take a while... so the world won't judge you so badly for starting to see me. We can say I'm a friend, a roommate. No one has to know yet. I just need time to figure out who I'm going to be. I don't want more hospitals or surgery so... changing my gender is out of the question. I'll be a man now, I'll cope with it, I never really saw myself so much in the binary spectrum, it'll be fine, but I need time to get used to this and figure things out.”

“Of course,” Ali kissed her cheek. “Of course.”

“As soon as I get a new name, which will be a priority...” Ashlyn sighed. “You can't call me she, or Ashlyn, ever again, my love. I will always live as Ashlyn right here,” she patted her chest. “But Ashlyn's my past. We need to let her go, so I can be someone else, and so we don't accidentally blow my cover when you accidentally call me Ashlyn in front of people.”

“Shit I love your name...” Ali sighed. “Well fine. As long as I don't have to lose you, I'll do whatever it takes.”

“That's the spirit,” Ashlyn kissed her. “Now, you need to do the performance of your life and pretend your wife really is gone. If you need extra inspiration to get sad, think of never seeing my face again, never hearing my voice again, of the sadness we have to assimilate with how our lives are changing forever, and how painful and horrible all those months with me sick, and my funeral, were. It's enough to make me painfully sad.”

“Yeah...” a knot had appeared in Ali's throat. “I miss our old life already... you're right, it's very, very sad. But on the other hand, knowing you're here... I feel I can do anything.”

“Me too,” Ashlyn kissed her hand. “And I'll perform as well and try not to be so much like myself in front of others, so I don't creep everyone out like I did with you. And we will make a list of people we want to tell. Only relatives and close friends, only our most trustworthy circle. We will bring them home, and I'll drop some of those truths only I can know and convince them, or again we'll get Kyle's friend's help, and once they know, we will explain to them how it needs to be top secret, and as happy as they are and dying to tell everybody, they'll have to pretend, which shouldn't be too hard having in count that in some way, a big part of me is never coming back, including my face... they'll have to stop using my name and use my new name instead, and we'll all have to pretend I'm an old friend of yours you're now starting a relationship with.”

“Okay, baby steps,” Ali put her now empty glass down on the auxiliary table nearby and straddled Ashlyn with a naughty smile, kissing her hard on the lips and burying a hand in her hair, that Ashlyn had purposely let to grow so it was the longest length within the short hair category, so it was a mid length, wavy and beachy. Ashlyn kissed her back enthusiastically, and while their eyes closed and their lips did the work, they both felt like nothing had changed. When they opened their eyes, reality came again. “How are you doing? I mean, you've been through hell and back, and now you've basically had a sudden enforced gender swap and change of identity.”

“Well uh... I don't know,” Ashlyn sighed. “I'm emotionally spent, I feel like I need a long holiday, and years of therapy... but I can't exactly talk to a therapist about this, can I? So... I don't know. I loved being a woman, never wished to be a man, but you know, it's not that bad. I think I'm happy just... letting the world see me as a man and knowing that when it comes to myself, and to those who love me, I'm just Ashlyn. A person, still the same book no matter the cover... I always liked to be different, I'll find a way to make this new body feel mine, to own it and be fully comfortable in it. Besides, for now, it's not so different. My body wasn't so developed in breasts or anything, I still have muscle, if anything I've won some, my hair is not too different, my face is slightly more masculine, my eyes a little bigger, my lips less feminine, but no drastic changes, and I bet I can still rock my suits. Just baby steps and I'm sure I'll... acclimatize. Humans can adapt to anything, can't they?”

“They can. And for the record, you know I never cared about book covers. I still find you sexy as fuck, and a big part of it if not all, comes because I know under this new face there's still the same person I fell crazy in love with,” Ali pecked her lips. “I swear the way you touch me... it's so bizarre, it's nothing like Parker's felt, it just feels like... you. The way we kiss, the way you hold me... it really feels like you. Weird, isn't it?”

“I think at this point nothing will ever be so weird again,” Ashlyn chuckled. “I'm so glad you still want me like this.”

“I'd want you no matter what,” Ali kissed her again. “And how does... having a penis feel like?”

“Fucking weird,” Ashlyn snorted a laugh. “It's like, huge, and it's just hanging there... good thing I always liked boxers, but it's still fucking weird. Sometimes I just hold it and look at it, trying to understand how it works, but I will tell you is very comfortable to pee. And not having a period is also a silver lining.”

“That's right. And I've been with men so I'm sure it won't be a problem... for sex.”

“Oh my God sex! How are we ever...? Why didn't I think of it before?”

“Baby relax,” Ali sniggered. “The important thing is we're reunited again. We will figure the rest out together, as always. We will find out what you like, what you don't, and hey you were great with strap-ons, think about this as a permanent one. It'll be okay.”

“Right... can we just go to bed please? I'm getting a headache.”

“Let's go, love. Tomorrow we'll make a new name for you.”

They went to bed and snuggled, sleeping better than they had in months. The next day, they started to brainstorm names over coffee and pancakes. Ashlyn wanted a name easy to remember, associated to her old name, so she could always carry a part of her old life with herself.

“What if,” Ali thought suddenly, getting an idea, “you became Habovick? Harris would be too suspicious, but if we go with Habovick, we could say you're a distant relative, that Ashlyn's death brought you closer to the family. The lie would only work with people who had no idea of who oyiu actually are, but it's okay.”

“Wait... I could actually keep Harris,” Ashlyn realized. “It's a super common surname, and my Dad's side is actually pretty large. I actually have distant cousins with that surname that I've never met. That way we could tell our distant relatives that I'm a relative, no one would suspect and they'd understand it better that you and I become close.”

“Are you sure about keeping it?”

Ashlyn gave it a long thought and then sighed and shook her head.

“No, otherwise I won't be able to let Ashlyn Harris go. No, it has to be new. Let's start by the name. What about...” she stared at the list she had carefully written down over the past few hours. “James? My maternal grandfather was James, my uncle Jimbo is actually James, Corey is actually James Corey. It goes in the family and it sounds kinda nice. And you can call me Jim or Jamie, or whatever.”

Ali pursed her lips deep in thought, looking at her.

“It fits you. Yeah, I could call you James,” Ali murmured the name a few times, getting the sound of it. “I'll come up with nicknames, don't you worry. Will you use Michael as a middle name? Yours is Michelle, so...”

“Yeah, I can just transform that, keep something of what my parents gave me. Fun fact, my Mum told me once had I been a boy, my name would be either James or Ashton, they didn't really decide. So she'll like it.”

“Good. So James Michael, okay, it fits. Goes with that pretty face.”

“Thanks,” Ashlyn chuckled. “And for surname... what about Hudson? It was my Nana's maiden surname. And when we remarry, I can just change it to Krieger, anyway.” She added excitedly.

“Oh, we'll have to remarry, you're right!”

“Bah, we'll keep it simple this time. We can have a secret wedding in the council hall, we already had our dream wedding, it'll just be a formality.”

“Yeah,” Ali smiled, going over to James and kissing him. “I love you.”

“We can do this, can we?”

“We can and we will. We're a team.”


	14. James Hudson

**Chapter 14: James Hudson.**

Ashlyn Harris had always been a chameleon. All her life she hadn't been the traditional woman, had shopped frequently in the men's section, had considered herself merely a human being who didn't wish to fit in. But never in a thousand years could she have pictured herself as she was now, becoming a man, letting her body change who she was inside. She had to accept that Ashlyn was dead, that it was her old life, her old self, her first thirty-five and a half years of existence... and now she'd have to be someone else. A man. It was the price she had to pay in order to live again, as she had so begged the universe to let her. Was it unfair? Yes. She shouldn't have to beg for a life she had deserved, taken good care of, used for nothing but good, and that had been ripped away from her in such a painful, cruel manner, but here she was.

Standing in a changing room, just trying not to crumble as she thought of how much she didn't identify with what she saw in the mirror. She understood transgender people now. And it wasn't just about gender either, she had always been very gender neutral to begin with, and that was not going to change -most of her clothes came from the men's section, after all- it was about burying herself and at the same time, rediscovering herself.

“Like a bloody phoenix coming from the ashes,” Ashlyn murmured to herself. But the thought gave her a sudden spark. That was it. Ashlyn Harris had been great, wonderful, but James Hudson could be just as great or even better. She could start from scratch, create an entirely new person she could be completely proud of... Of course, Parker had died at thirty-six, so those first few decades were his and were untouchable but the future... the future of both Parker and Ashlyn was James Hudson, and she could be the best of both. With Ashlyn's life experience, artistic skills and comfortability in front of the camera and Parker's bigger artistic skills, and nice appearance, she could maybe be the model she had long dreamed of becoming, even if it was as a man. Hey, better than nothing. Or a writer, or a photographer... James Hudson had no past and the world was his arena.

Still, there was an undeniable feeling of tragedy every step she took to leave her old life more far behind. It was a billion times worse than finally leaving your childhood bedroom to never come back. Ashlyn felt, in a big way, like her insides were being ripped inside out, like there was just so much vertigo and Ali was her rope to keep her going. She was her rock, as she had been the day before, when they had put all of Ashlyn's clothes away in the attic, until Ashlyn now James felt capable of finally getting rid of them. He'd saved very few of his old belongings as a woman, because his torso now was just bigger, and his arms wider, his legs slightly longer, so many of those clothes didn't fit anymore... but a few had.

“James?” Ali asked from outside the curtain. “You okay? Does it fit then?” They had been buying an entire new closet for James Hudson. Ali adored shopping, even more when she didn't have to be the one removing and putting on clothes every few minutes, and Ashlyn hated it, so her expertise had been required.

“Yeah,” James looked at the outfit he had managed. He had kept the same style he had had as Ashlyn, original, non conformist, with some nice suits, some nice sports wear, and clothes that ranged from the most casual a person could go like, to almost elegant. They had needed some dozen pairs of shoes too, of all types, and underwear, outerwear, and even glasses, because even though Parker's eyesight had been great, and Ashlyn's just a little shitty, for some reason James Hudson couldn't see properly these days, middle distances were just very blurry and unfocused, and it had appeared drastically worsening for several days, until they had gotten a doctor who checked it and said there was nothing wrong, that it was very weird he hadn't felt blind before, because his internal eye shape was just to wear glasses from childhood.

James pulled the curtain aside and Ali smiled, checking him out up and down shamelessly, while holding about six shopping bags in each hand.

“You look so bloody handsome. Let's go pay and I'll take you out for lunch.”

It had been a few weeks since Ali had discovered who Ashlyn had become, and they had had some time to acclimatize to their new situation and Ashlyn's new look. Ali's birthday had come and gone very intimately, as Ali used the 'I'm mourning' excuse to say she didn't want to celebrate and instead went on a weekend getaway with Ashlyn/James to the place where they got engaged. And so now, August had arrived and with it, Ali had decided to go back to football, to help her cope with the drastic life changes. So she was captaining the Pride now, they had had a nice tribute game Ashlyn had, weirdly enough, seen live as James, and she had a national camp to go to the next day.

“Are you sure you'll be okay on your own?” Ali asked worriedly, discreetly putting her hand over James' over the table. “I know you miss camp and the girls...”

“I'm not a soccer player anymore,” James shrugged, trying not to look as sad as he felt. “You have to go, it'd be good for you.”

“Maybe you can come with me to my private trainings now and then. You know, get in front of the net, just for fun.”

“That life is over,” James stated sharply. He was often sharp with those things, insisting firmly on leaving his life as Ashlyn in the past, purely because otherwise he'd allow himself to hope to keep some stuff in his current life, and then the disappointed would be greater. The paparazzi were still after Ali like hawks, if they found her with James, and found James so much like Ashlyn, everyone would suspect, even more when they googled James and so he didn't exist. He wouldn't until the bureaucratic nightmare was over sin eight weeks.

Ali sighed, not taking it personally, knowing that he was just suffering, and gave his hand a gentle squeeze.

“I will never forget all you've given up to just to be with me. I promise I'll make the sacrifice worth it for the rest of our lives.”

James smiled sadly and shook his head.

“Sweetie, it's worth it every time I get to wake up next to you as a living person. Sure the price's been high but... I'll be okay. I just need some time.”

“Of course,” Ali checked no one was nearby and quickly pecked his lips in the discreet corner of the restaurant they had picked. “You're the toughest person I know, if anyone can do this, is you.”

While Ali was away for camp, James meditated things and decided there were a couple things he really needed to get done to feel more comfortable in his own body. First of all, he had made sure his glasses were fashionable, light brown, almost fully round... and still he wouldn't wear them all the time, because he was waiting for his contact lenses to be finished. And when Ali left, he hit the gym all the time. He got a membership where he had as Ashlyn, and did the same routines, which made him feel a bit better. He got his hair done. It was some dirty dark blonde or light brown, which he liked, but he got some soft highlights to get a bit more contrast, and got it slightly trimmed, buying his all-time favourite products as Ashlyn to keep it as nice and cool as he loved it.

Then came the part he fancied less. He needed to get his ears pierced again, although differently. He found earrings in both ears didn't fit his new look so well, so instead he pierced just one hole in one ear's upper part, putting a ring there, which felt sexier and more matching with his new face. And started to get laser sessions to eliminate the excess of body hair, particularly in her groin, neck, armpits, beard, hands, feet and ass, places where James couldn't stand to have hair, after as Ashlyn she hadn't been very hairy there either. The arms, legs, and some torso hair, she could deal with. It wasn't too long, too much, too dark, and it felt like it went with her new manly body, but the rest was just uncomfortable and rather disgusting, having been a woman. Of course it'd take several sessions over several weeks, but it was all right.

And at last came his favourite part. The tattoos. He started by replicating his old ring tattoo, getting an exact same copy. No one would suspect because no one had seen Ashlyn with it, as she always had rings or gloves to cover it, and the writing in it was too small to see, even in a good photograph. He missed arm sleeves and would build them up again, but that needed to wait. James couldn't just copy the Ashlyn tattoos everyone had seen and knew, or it'd be too suspicious. Besides, this was a new empty canvas with new stories to write. So she worked with her favourite tattoo artist in Orlando to get James the same side tattoo she had had, with some big variations. First, his side as James was bigger, and also he could get his chest tattooed, so the tattoo could extend more towards the front. Second, she wanted to change some elements. She left everything that was a reminder of her family, and then added Ali's face, a different version of the one she'd had as Ashlyn, but equally beautiful, on her side right at heart's height, and then she added a big fox that extended covering part of James' left chest. The full piece took about three days, but it was finished right on time.

Ali saw most of the changes in their frequent videocalls, and liked them, but the tattoos would wait until she came home.

“Hey there, sexy,” James greeted Ali cheerfully as she entered the house and the dogs finally left her. He walked over to her, wrapping his arms around her waist.

“Hi there,” Ali grinned, kissing him and then stopped to admire his changed look. “Looking hot, Mister.”

“I've got a little surprise,” James brought his hands from Ali's back to the front, and held his wedding finger up in front of her eyes for her to see the new tattoo. Ali stared at her for a moment and then her eyes filled with tears.

“Oh baby!”

“It'd take a while until we can officially remarry but...” James shrugged. “I don't want to spend a minute more not being married to you, and with this, it kinda feels like we made it.”

“I love it. I love you,” Ali kissed him intensely. She had a matching tattoo, actually, but with Ashlyn's initials.

The kiss became heated after the many months they had gone by with absolutely no sexual contact, as even in the beginning of the year, Ashlyn had been too sick to have any libido whatsoever. James took Ali's sweatshirt off and began tracing kissed down her neck, to her shoulders, even as he, urged by Ali's hands, took off his open hoodie. Then, Ali removed her t-shirt and put her arms around James' neck, using his strong shoulders to propel herself up, with her legs around his hips and his big hands cupping her bottom as they continued to kiss.

Eventually, James managed to blindly carry Ali up the stairs, with their clothes flying in the process until, by the time he carefully lowered her onto their bed, he was completely shirtless and Ali was too, their shoes also having gone somewhere in the stairs. Then they stopped to look at each other and recover their breaths. James' hands supported on the mattress over Ali's shoulders to avoid squashing her with his body, and Ali looked up at the man that stared at her with desire. And then it suddenly became difficult to go on. It wasn't Ashlyn's hazel eyes that stared lustfully at her, but James' or Parker's dark green ones. It wasn't Ashlyn's dyed silver hair that was falling framing her beautiful face, but a blondish-light brown hair framing a very different face, and shorter. And it wasn't Ashlyn's beautiful breasts and body Ali was lusting after, but Parker now James' masculine chest and torso.

“It's okay,” said James, as if guessing her thoughts. “Close your eyes.” Ali did so, and he kissed her, but it was different. This was full Ashlyn's type of kiss. Sweet and tender, with slight roughness of desire, a kiss that made her moan. He then tenderly kissed her cheeks, her face, with a reverence that showed just how much of Ashlyn lived in him, and when Ali finally opened her eyes, she smiled softly. And then she noticed.

There was a large tattoo on James' side that she had been too busy staring at his face and arms to notice. Her hands traced the skin gently, and she smiled lovingly as she saw her own features, the phoenix, and all the colours of Ashlyn's old side tattoo, with the butterflies, the Native American flowers, the pink lace representing her grandmother's cancer fight, and the yellow one representing sarcoma, with the initials A. M. H. somewhere in there, discreetly hidden. Ali's eyes filled with tears and she looked up, smiling sadly as she cupped James' face and he stared at her, interrogating, cautious, as if wondering if she was still in this or wanted him off the bed right away.


	15. One

**Chapter 15: One.**

“You were always so much more than a body and a name,” Ali murmured lovingly. “You know that, right?” but his expression told her he was surprised. “Baby, you... you've got such a beautiful, holly soul that it went on to live in someone else's body because the world could not stand losing it just yet. You're still my Ashlyn in there,” she patted his chest. “And partially, you're also part of my friend Parker's beauty, and all that James is yet to be. Ashlyn was just your foundation. You're doomed to be so, so much more, my love.”

“Will that be enough for you? Won't you continue to miss Ashlyn every day?” James murmured.

“I will always miss her, but only in the same way that we miss our godchildren when they were babies. I will miss her because I'll miss that stage of our lives, but when I look ahead at life with you, my heart will forever be so full, for all we've yet to have, and live, and become together. Being nostalgic of the past is perfectly normal... but I keep my eyes on the present and the future, and that's a whole, incredible, wonderful life with you. One way or another. Now, let's learn how to make love once again, should we?”

James side smiled, showing a dimple in a way that was just reminder of Ashlyn's old smirk.

“I got a hard-on and is the weirdest experience of my life which, for someone that came back from the dead, is saying a lot,” he joked. Ali giggled and brought him down for a kiss before sensually whispering in his ear.

“I'll teach you what to do with it.”

James was feeling hotter and hotter by the minute, and was worried about being a quick trigger. After all, to him, it was like being a virgin. He had only had sex as a woman, and had only been with a man once in her teens, and didn't remember too much about the occasion anyway. But Ali took control and guided him to lie on his back, rolling over him as they continued to intensely make out, hands roaming over each other's chest and body, becoming reacquainted. Ali could feel how hard he was through their jeans, and wasted no time to open his flee and slid down his jeans, making sure to give his booty a good squeeze in the process, as her lips found a tiny mole near his belly button that suddenly she wanted to kiss.

Ali gave herself a moment, removing her jeans, to sit straddling James, observing him with eyes darkened and dilated by desire. His hair was a mess, his lips were red and swollen with the same ease Ashlyn's usually were, his dark green eyes looked nearly black with how dilated his pupils were, and his chest was heaving, waiting to see what she did next. Ali took his hands and planted them over her chest, one on each breast, cupped with her own hands, and it was Ashlyn's hands that squeezed her breasts now, with the same familiar talent that made Ali throw her head back and let out a raspy moan, her dark hair cascading backwards freely while she grounded against James' crotch, both of their underwear becoming soaked in a moment, making him moan.

She looked like a goddess in James' eyes. She was splendid, outstanding, gorgeous, beautiful, she was just everything. So James sat up and his mouth attacked her breasts, making her nails dig into his hair and she moaned deeply and pressed harder against his erection. Then, abruptly, Ali grabbed his face and kissed him hard on the lips.

“Gimme an elastic,” she murmured between kisses, pulling his lip softly between her teeth. “On the bedside table.”

“A condom?” James asked, not understanding.

“No, for the hair,” Ali pushed his chest so he fell back against the mattress and he stretched an arm towards the night stand, grabbing a black elastic from a small pile. He gave it to Ali, confused, and watched getting insanely turned on as she made a messy, high bun, and winked at him before pulling from the elastic of his boxers, giving him a gentle lashing with it before sending her hands underneath, cupping his bare ass as she pushed the clothing out of the way.

James' eyes widened seeing his large member pulsating against his navel as Ali's hand caressed it softly. The new sensations were so overwhelming James could do nothing but throw his head back, close his eyes and groan deeply in delight. Ali was loving it. She watched as her actions drove him insane, using her thumb to spread the wetness around the soft tip and her free hand to press his hips down as she started to properly jack him off.

“Oh my fucking Christ,” James murmured in delight, moaning intensely. He didn't know what to do with his hands, but when Ali's head suddenly lowered, eyes locked with his, and she gave his hardness a long lick, he yelped and one his hands grabbed her bun, while another grabbed a fistful of the blankets as his head was thrown back in pleasure, straining his neck.

“I haven't done this in a long time so... tell me if I do something wrong,” Ali said, before slowly taking his tip inside, sucking him off. James was in heaven. Her lips closed around his shaft with just the right pressure, her teeth slightly brushing his sensitive skin, and once she managed to get his whole length, and part of his balls, inside her mouth, the picture was insanely erotic. James understood now why guys loved to be sucked off, there was just something vulnerable and dangerous in having your most sensitive parts between someone's teeth that was just so hot, and at the same time, Ali bloody knew how to use her tongue well, and this wasn't a surprise.

All things considered, Ali didn't love to give blow jobs, even though this time she was having quite a blast, but she didn't marry a woman for nothing. She let it happen for a few minutes, enjoying James' reaction sweating and twisting in pleasure, and then let his member fall off her mouth and gave his testicles a gentle squeeze that finished to throw him over the edge where he had been standing for a while. His first orgasm as a man rocked his world. It was about as intense and good as any other Ali had ever given her, but at the same time, the feeling was completely different. Not better, not worse, just new, and he fell into a daze for a moment, from which he was woken-up by Ali's lips sucking his pulse point.

James then smiled. Now came the part he did master well.

“Come here gorg,” he kissed her hard and rolled them over, rolling on top before kissing his way down her body, sucking her breasts alternating between one and the other, making her moan hard and arch her back trying to get more, until at last his lips found her sensitive clit and all the wetness there, pulling her underwear down and taking it off. Now they were both nude, and he wasted no time in giving her wetness his full attention with his mouth in a way that drove Ali crazy. Ashlyn had always been wonderful at that, but James still had a tiny bit of stubble, as several laser sessions were necessary to get full cleanliness, and it scratched her there just a bit in a new, delicious way that just added to the fun. “God, I missed this...” James murmured before giving her a long lick between her minor lips, with a finger already circling her entry and applying some gentle pressure.

As first one, then two of his fingers entered her, James felt his hardness come back to life, but he wanted to make Ali cum first, so he intensified his efforts with his mouth, and after one particular suck on her clit, Ali came undone with a loud scream.

“Oh that was...” Ali murmured, recovering her breath, as he crawled back to her and held her between his arms, kissing her face softly. “Amazing...”

“Hey,” he blew her nose gently, making her eyes open and lock with his. “I love you. More than anything.” Ali smiled, kissing him sweetly.

“My whole life,” Ali murmured between kisses. “I'm yours forever, you know?” James chuckled. “Now, are you gonna fuck me or what?”

James snorted a laugh and then cursed as he remembered something.

“Damn it, I have to get condoms. I bought them, they're just in a bag downstairs.”

“Condoms? Do you have STDs? I mean I know Ash doesn't, but James...”

“No, I already got tested,” James replied. “But now I can get you pregnant, remember? And you have an NWSL final coming up.”

Ali shook her head softly, cupping his face with a sweet smile.

“Before you died, you told me to not waste my time. I promised I wouldn't and now I'm thirty-seven and I want a baby, and now, we can just go and get it, as easy as that. What else are we going to wait for, Jamie? For one of us to die again?”

James took a deep breath and nodded, kissing her lovingly.

“You're right. We've waited enough... Just let me know if I do something wrong, all my previous training has been with strap-ons.”

“It's okay, come here tiger. You'll do fine,” Ali reassured, bringing their lips together. It was somewhat odd, with how confident Ashlyn had always been, to see a lack of confidence now, but it was understandable. It would take James a little while to gain confidence in his new body.

Ali felt his fingers probe her gently to make sure she was wet and then felt the spongy, wet head against her entry. They locked eyes and then he was slowly inside, shutting his eyes close and moaning at the new feeling. It took every ounce of self-control to not orgasm already and not snap inside, to stay gentle and tender, letting Ali get used to him. And Ali was loving it.

She had always found making love was incredible no matter what because there was love, and it didn't matter if there was just touching, fondling, penetration or not, it could be just as wonderful. So she had never missed dick, and when they did use toys it was rare and more to do something different than the usual than nothing else. But this was way better than a dildo. She could feel James' warmth and softness, how his member accommodated inside of her so naturally, and her walls accommodated to his girth, and when he was finally all in, she just felt wonderfully full, one with the one she loved.

“All good?” James asked, caressing her face gently, worried.

“Amazing,” Ali murmured with a smile. “You?”

“This is the most wonderful squeeze I've ever had in my life,” James chuckled and kissed her, before starting to move.

  
  



	16. A child's innocence

**Chapter 16: A child's innocence.**

Ali and James had begun their new stage in life together in the most sealed secrecy, hidden in the privacy of their home. It was weird for James to hear his own parents and other relatives crying when they'd frequently phone Ali to check on her, and often, Ali would get emotional too, because as much as Ashlyn was there, holding her hand as James and trying not to cry hearing her family's sadness, it was still sad.

For what their friends and family knew, save from Kyle, only one to know the truth, James was just Parker's new name and his background was half invented by them and half based on Parker's life, because their families knew Parker from the hospital. So they said that Parker was actually an old friend of Ashlyn's from the skate park when they were little, but that he had moved to DC when they were little and lost touch, and that coincidentally, he had returned to Orlando a few years prior and re-established some of the old friendship she and Ashlyn had had, but that Ali had never actually met him until, again coincidentally, his wife ended up dying in the same place and shortly before Ashlyn died, and they had crossed paths in the hospital and become friends. Then, Ali and Parker had become close friends united by their own relationships with Ashlyn and their shared pain losing their wives almost at the same time to cancer, and when they had suffered a car accident together and Parker had lost the bigger part of his memories, only remembering glimpses of moments with Ashlyn and knowing Ali from the hospital, he had lost his job and subsequently his flat, and Ali, who was lonely in the house, had offered him her guest room.

Then, Ali had easily explained to the family that, as Parker didn't remember much of his old life, he had decided to change his looks and name and start a new life with her help, as James Hudson. Ali and Ashlyn's families and friends that way got to think highly of James, even pity him a little bit, but were kind with him knowing how much he had and was helping Ali, and how highly he spoke of Ashlyn and his supposed memories with her, even though in reality Parker and Ashlyn had never coincided before cancer came, but since James was Ashlyn, he could easily find any of his own memories as Ashlyn and pretend Parker was there in order to convince everyone.

But it was becoming time to tell the truth.

“I finally got it, babe!” James celebrated, reading the mail that morning while standing in the kitchen in his boxers. “I got the notification from the State saying my change of name has been completed! Look at my new Passport, birth license and Driver's License, it's so lit.” He smiled, seeing his fresh new ID documents.

Ali strolled into the kitchen, pulling down the tank-top she had been putting on after her shower, and stood with him, smiling and putting an arm around his waist as she looked.

“James Michael Hudson, born August 29th 1984 in Washington DC,” Ali read. “Sounds about right.” She joked with a chuckle.

“Can't believe I've ended up becoming a Northerner,” James lamented. “Good thing that to us I'll always be born October 19th in Satellite Beach, Florida, right?”

“Right. I can't wait to see how we explain to our children that your ID documents are basically a well elaborated lie.”

James dropped his papers in realization.

“Shit you're right. To our children I'll always be James Hudson, but if I tell them about my childhood or my family... it'll be Ashlyn's. How are we ever even going to tell them who Ashlyn was, why is she important to this family, what it means to us?”

“Easy there, we will think of something,” Ali pursed her lips in thought. “We can tell them all about Ashlyn. Who she was, how she died, everything. They'll Google it up anyway. We'll tell them she was the love of my life, and that after she died I ended up marrying you and having them with you, and we'll make sure to keep their minds open as they grow up so once they're mature enough to keep the secret, we will tell them the truth. And we will make them promise to never tell a soul that their father is actually their famous, dead, other mother.”

“I'm going to have a hard time biting my tongue while lying to them their whole childhood, aren't I?”

“I can't wait to see your face when you have to sit and hear them tell their friends both their parents come from the North,” Ali replied with amusement, kissing his cheek.

“Tell you what,” James thought suddenly. “What if I wrote our story?”

“Meaning?”

“I've always written well. What if I wrote a children's tale with our love story, like Disney tales, with the truth, with different names and jobs and that kind of stuff to avoid it being obvious it's us, but essentially about two lovers that tragically get separated by death until the dead one comes back? There are probably thousands of novels like that anyway, and legends,” James shrugged. “We could read it to them every single night, get them used to it sounding normal, and when they're big we can just tell them the story was true all along, but that while they were little we thought the best way to tell them was through a tale.”

Ali stared thoughtfully at him for a moment, and then grinned.

“I think it's a beautiful idea, love,” they kissed and Ali lightly pinched his ass. “Now get dressed, we have to tell your family you're not dead.”

They had spent weeks preparing for the day through therapy and books. When they found countless articles and books about reincarnation in the opposite gender, reincarnation in general, and related topics, they realized it wasn't so crazy. It happened, it happened a whole lot, and although it was still kept in secret by most people, they were thousands of documented cases only in the States. Once they realized it wasn't such a crazy thing as they thought, it was easy to find a therapist in Orlando specialized in helping people who remembered having a past life in another gender to accommodate to their new lives. The only part they had to hide was that James remembered his time as a non-corporeal identity or ghost, which did sound a little crazy. So now, they felt more prepared to talk about it with their family.

It was carefully planned. Ali called them to tell them she missed them and would like to have lunch with all of them, and introduce James to them again, as he had forgotten about them after his accident, and Christopher commented he and his fiancée Mikayleigh had been thinking of doing a small house-warming party, as they had recently bought their first house together, but that he'd be happy to transform it into a family barbecue 'like the old times'. His house was by the beach and he had a beautiful terrace-balcony to access the beach from his backyard, so they could put the barbecue there and eat by the ocean. Ashlyn's whole family was invited, save from Nana Eunice, that was too old and after the deaths of her husband and Ashlyn, her senile dementia had quickly taken over and she needed to be in a facility.

So, Ashlyn's parents would come with their partners, as they were divorced, and so would Ashlyn's brother and fiancée, as it was their house, Ashlyn's Uncle Jimbo and his wife Aunt Debra, with their children, Ashlyn's cousins Corey, Kyle and Cassidy, from the Habovick side, and then from the Harris side it'd be Aunt Tina Harris with her husband Chris Smith and their children, cousins Carlin and David. Boyfriends and girlfriends weren't invited, for the delicate nature of the event, but Corey would bring his wife Brittany and their little kiddos, Jenson and Raya, who were Ashlyn's godchildren, and Kyle would also bring his wife, Lauren, and their three-year-old son Porter, with whom Ashlyn had never spent much time because the three lived in North Carolina, so she could hardly see them. They decided not to bring Kyle's friend from New Orleans, but would definitely meet her soon.

“Is it okay if I'm very very nervous?” James asked, driving the familiar path to Satellite. They were bringing their dogs, who lounged in the back seat, to let them run around with the kids.

“You're about to tell your family, who have been thinking you're dead for two months, that you're not dead,” Ali shrugged. “Whatever you're feeling it's okay honey.” She had a hand on his thigh, and they were listening to soft, calming music, for the nerves. It would be okay. “Just remember they're still the same people you love and who love you, and they will want to believe you're alive.”

The house was stunning. As they got off the car, parking it between a large amount of cards in the large front driveway, James whistled in admiration for the humble-looking, beachy house, with beige and white colours and a bright blue door. They had put a colourful lettering at the door saying 'WELCOME FAM-BAM!' that made them snigger.

James knocked on the door, and they waited impatiently. They heard a dog bellowing and a loud voice echoed.

“Frankie, shut it!” James giggled at the sound of his brother's voice, and then the door opened and he had a hard time not to throw himself in and hug his brother. “Hi there! Welcome!”

“Hi Chris, such a beautiful place!” Ali took over and hugged her brother-in-law.

“Thank you! How've you been? You look great,” Chris commented, smiling warmly at her.

“Well James' been a great help,” Ali brought James into the conversation and Chris nodded approvingly, offering him a hand.

“Hi mate, nice to see you.”

“Thanks for letting me tag along,” James squeezed his hand and followed them inside.

Frankie, the dog, ran to greet them as they hugged Mikayleigh, who was nice enough to hug James too, and when they greeted Ashlyn's parents, James really struggled to call them Mr and Mrs Harris, as they both kept the family name, instead of Mum and Dad.

The meal itself was great. The views were wonderful and as James played with his nephews and niece, the family couldn't help but comment how he had the same ease with children Ashlyn had had. Ali bit her lip to avoid saying too much. A part of her wanted to laugh and scream 'It's her!'. The kids accepted James seemingly all right, although the eldest, Jenson, wasn't just going to let it go like that.

“Are you Auntie Ali's new boyfriend?” he asked suddenly to James, as they ran around the beach by the house after lunch, flying a kite. James looked surprised and motioned for him to sit with him on the sand.

“I'm not,” he answered simply. “I'm an old friend of Auntie Ali and Auntie Ashlyn. Auntie Ali is being so kind to let me stay with her for a while, because I've lost my house.”

“Why?” Jenson asked, while his cousin and sister continued to play by their side, trying to catch the kite whose rope James was holding.

“Because I hit my head so hard that I forgot my career,” James said simply. “I didn't know how to do my job anymore, so I didn't have money for my house. Ali is helping me start over.”

Jenson frowned, with his six year old mentality working hard, and looked at him.

“Okay, but you better treat Auntie right. If you hurt her, I'll tell Daddy to kick your ass.” James smiled proudly, trying not to get emotional. He still had the same emotional tenderness and even gestures of a life as Ashlyn.

“I think Auntie Ashlyn would be proud of you for that,” James said, and Jenson slumped his shoulders, looking down. It pained James, because they had agreed that the kids couldn't know just yet. Their parents, if they wished to, would tell them when they were older, just in case they opened their mouths in school and got ridiculed and bullied, or worse, sent to psych.

“I miss her a lot. We used to play all the time.”

James gulped the knot in his throat and put a comforting hand on his back.

“The ones who love us never really leave us, Jenson. I'm absolutely sure wherever your Auntie is, she's watching over you and the others and somehow making sure you're all right.”

“Mummy says she's in heaven,” Jenson commented. “Up there,” he pointed to the clouds, “but I've taken planes and I haven't seen her.” He added with a full scowl.

James took a deep breath to keep his cool and smiled warmly, albeit sadly.

“What Mummy means is that Auntie's soul is somewhere peaceful, somewhere happy, where she is with all the people she loved and also died, with God and Jesus,” he knew Jenson was being brought-up Christian, and was familiar with those concepts. “Somewhere without pain, where no one and no illness will ever hurt her again. Somewhere from where she can watch out for you and care for you and the rest of the family. But you know where she also is?”

“Where?”

“Right here,” he pointed to Jenson's chest. “It's very cheesy, I know, but as long as you keep her in your heart, and you remember her, the fun you had together, and all the good things she taught you, she will still be alive. You will keep her alive. And if you ever need anything from her, just tell Auntie Ali. She will help you with all the same devotion and care that your Auntie Ashlyn would've had.”

Jenson nodded slowly and pointed at the kait.

“Auntie gave me that. For Christmas.” James smiled.

“Auntie loved you very, very much Jenson. She was my friend and she told me so, you know? She talked about you and your sissy all the time. You were her favourite people.”

“Even more favourite than Auntie Ali?”

James pursed his lips thoughtfully.

“About as much at least!” Jenson half smiled.

“She was my favourite person too. About as much as Mummy and Daddy.”

Suddenly James had an idea, and he pulled a piece of paper and a pen from his jacket pocket, where he usually had one, and scribbled down his and Ali's address, trying for his handwriting to not be so much like Ashlyn's, as it was actually the same and he had to do a conscious effort to dissimulate it. Then, he gave it to Jenson.

“You know how to write and read, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, when you want to tell Auntie Ashlyn something, you write her a letter. That's the address of hers and Auntie Ali's home.”

“But how will she read it?”

“Auntie Ali will read it to her. Auntie Ashlyn won't be able to write back, but it's her home, a part of her will still be there somehow... so if Auntie Ali reads it out loud, I'm sure somehow, Auntie Ashlyn will know, and she will love to hear from you, in heaven.”

“How do I know it works?”

“Don't you believe in magic? That the sun comes every day, Superman could fly, and Jesus died and resurrected? All those crazy things are true, right?”

Jenson nodded.

“I suppose...”

“Then keep believing, Jenson. Hope is the last thing you should ever lose.”

“James!” they looked up and saw Ali waving from the terrace balcony. “Coming?!”

“One second!” James gave her a thumbs up and then gave Jenson's shoulder a gentle squeeze. He wanted to hug him, but to Jenson, he was almost a stranger. “I wouldn't lie to you Jenson, just do what I told you and trust me in this, okay? Your Auntie would never just leave you. She's watching over you. You can always, always count on her.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

“You're welcome,” he passed him the kite. “Stay where we can see you and don't go into the water. The adults are going to have one of our famous boring conversations children are spared from.”

Jenson chuckled, nodding, and walked with Jenson to the terrace stairs, at the bottom of which Raya and Porter were building sand castles. He sat with them with his kite, and James went up to the terrace, where the family was reunited on the outside sofas, laughing and drinking beer. It was quite a peaceful atmosphere, actually, and the dogs had all gone down with the kids, so it was extra calm.


	17. Breaking the news

**Chapter 17: Breaking the news.**

As James advanced towards the family, she was met with kind, welcoming expressions.

“Having some fun with Jenson?” Corey commented with a satisfied smile, offering him a beer.

“Yeah, you've got one of the good ones in there,” James complimented, pointing in the direction of the kids with his head. He found a seat by Ali's side,

They waited until a soccer conversation naturally died down, and then Ali gave James a look and he nodded, silently approving.

“Actually, there was something I wanted to tell you, with James' help.”

“What is it darling?” Tammye inquired.

“You're not moving back to DC, right?” added Mike with a small frown. Ali smiled and shook her head.

“No, I'm for sure staying in Orlando,” she kept Ashlyn's ashes by the chimney, which was weird considering Ashlyn was there staring at them as James, but none of them said a word about moving them and once they were later in time in the cemetery, Ali knew she wouldn't be capable of moving away from Florida, to be close. “It's just, lately James and I have started reading a lot about reincarnation and that sort of thing. It may be because we've just become widowers so recently, but we're oddly fascinated with it. And I wanted to ask... do you think there's any chance Ashlyn may have reincarnated?”

“You mean that somewhere in the world some child was born and her soul went into it?” Mikayleigh asked.

“Or that maybe she reincarnated into one of those people who die and then... you've heard about it, come back, that sort of stuff,” James suggested casually.

“I mean...” Tina sighed, scratching her pale cheek. “I do believe in God and if Jesus resurrected, I don't see why our good Ash wouldn't reincarnate. She'd want to keep making this world better.”

“But like... when people supposedly reincarnate they don't remember their old lives, right? Or do they?” Mike frowned, thoughtful. “I read somewhere once about a boy that swore he remembered his whole life, that he had already gone to school, grown, married, had children... in the end, his family looked it up and it turns out a soldier who died in war had reincarnated in the kid. They held a funeral, I think, and the soldier was able of moving on.”

“What a weird thing,” Carlin opined from her seat. “What do you think, Dave?” David was a fierce catholic, the kind that hung the cross around his neck. Church had saved him from addiction years before, after all.

“I think the Bible has stories harder to believe, and they still happened,” David shrugged. “Ashlyn wasn't ready to die, perhaps... perhaps God let her come back in some way. She was a good person, she should've gotten to choose. But I like to believe she's in heaven.” Corey nodded in agreement.

“Can we please...” Tammye was getting sad. “I'm not ready to... talk about her yet.”

“Of course sweetie,” Jimbo, her big brother, but an arm around her. “We're sorry.”

“With all due respect, Tammye,” Ali intervened cautiously. “I think we do need to talk about Ashlyn, because I don't think she's completely gone.”

“Of course she isn't. She's in our—,”

“Please don't tell me she lives in our hearts, that's what we tell the kids,” Ali interrupted her, frustrated. “She died in front of me, in my arms. And she was terrified and she wasn't ready. And I just don't get the feeling that... that she's resting in peace somewhere,” her eyes became glassy with emotion, and she blinked the tears away. “I'm sick of everyone telling me all the time she's in peace or whatever... what if she's not? Because sometimes, at home... I've had the feeling that she was around, in a creepy way, not in a good one,” James knew she was talking about when as Ashlyn's spirit, he used to follow Ali around. “It wasn't a warm, comforting presence. It was... unsettling. As if she was just unable to go, to leave the house and rest in peace.”

The family exchanged cautious looks between curiosity, sadness, worry and intrigue, and finally David spoke after a long moment of silence.

“Do you think her spirit isn't in peace, able to move on? That she's so tormented she's stuck, and she needs our help?” David asked full of worry.

“Wait, like a ghost?” asked cousin Kyle. “I thought we agreed ghost don't exist.”

“Oh they absolutely do,” Corey argued his brother. “There are far too many stories to be a all a lie.”

“I think,” Ali intervened again. “I think when she died she wasn't in peace at all. I think her spirit, or call it whatever you want, was suffering. Is the feeling I got, and I was her wife, we talked about what if she died a lot, she always suffered with the mere idea and when it happened, the uneasiness in the house began as well, so I'm sure she was around. But I haven't felt her anymore for a while.”

“Then maybe she moved on, at last,” Christopher hypothesized.

“No. I think she found a way to come back. I think she...” Ali sighed. “I'm sure she's back. Hundred percent sure, as a matter of fact.”

“How would she be back?” Tammye asked. “As much as it pains me Ali, she's...” she couldn't say it. “You know.”

Ali and James exchanged a look and Ali sighed deeply.

“There's something I haven't told you,” Ali said, looking at the family again. “When Parker, now James, and I had the car accident, there was a moment I was awake in the car. I remember vividly just being dazed, and looking to James and he wasn't moving at all, he was pale, he was... cold. Dead, I would say. And then I felt cold and... Ashlyn was right there.”

“What do you mean?” Chris leaned towards her, frowning in concentration.

“My door was yanked open,” Ali said. “Not by the firemen, but by Ashlyn. I remember seeing her, seeing how worried she looked, seeing how she was trying to pull me out of the car, but her arms just couldn't quite touch me. She didn't look like, completely solid, more like a ghost, somewhat... see through,” Ali didn't quite know how to explain her memory, but she tried her best. “But she was there, I'm sure. It was the last thing I remember seeing before I passed out.”

“And thing is...” James added, not knowing how to break the news. “She wasn't wrong. Ashlyn was there that night, and Parker died that night.”

“I'm totally confused right now,” said Mike. “You're here, alive, with a different name but still.”

“Because I am Ashlyn. I am your daughter,” James said, looking straight into his eyes all serious. “I remember everything. I remember my whole life as Ashlyn, everything, and then I remember dying too. And then I was... in some kind of limbo where it wasn't heaven but I wasn't alive either and Pops was there.”

“What?” Tina scowled, confused and scared at once.

“I saw him,” James said. “He told me what was happening. He told me I was dead, he told me I could go on if I wanted to, or stay in limbo and look after Ali, take care of her somehow, wait until she was old and died, and go with her to... Pops called it beyond. He said he wasn't sure what was beyond, but that when he died, his Dad told him what he was then telling me. And limbo wasn't so bad, may I add. I looked like myself, but I didn't need contact lenses, my knees didn't trouble me anymore, I had no surgical scars, no illness... I had my hair and my eyebrows and I felt young and healthy and strong again. Pops taught me how to be wherever I wanted to be, and I could go home, see Ali,” James took her hand gently. “I saw her cry day and night and it broke my heart. I tried to hold her, but I was like a ghost, I couldn't really touch her. And—,” suddenly a crack sounded and James felt his nose and cheek crack and then be in great pain, with blood pouring out of his nose.

“Christopher!” Ali stood up, alarmed, and pushed the man our of James' side. James looked around, confused, and saw Christopher's angry look, his fist bruised in the air as Mikayleigh and Ali pushed him away. “The fuck was that for?!”

“Don't you see?! He's like all of those fake mediums out there Ali! He has fun playing with our feelings, pretending to see Ash or to be her just to take advantage of us! He's a bloody rat, get out of my house, you bastard!”

James stood up, pressing a napkin to his nose.

“Let him go, it's fine,” he told the ladies, who reluctantly obeyed. Immediately Christopher tried to him him again, but this time James quickly moved to a side and punched him in the shoulder. Christopher bellowed in pain and held his shoulder, stopping his attacks.

“Bloody son of a—!”

“When I was seven and you were eight, I got into a fight with a bully in school, and you came to protect me,” said James. “Unfortunately, the guy ended up breaking your shoulder, and ever since it's always been too sensitive.”

“Listen you brat I don't know how you know that but you better—,”

“When I was three,” James interrupted him, raising his voice. “I found your hamster dead in its cage. I cried, and you lied to me and said the hamster was just sleeping, so I wouldn't get sad, but that night I was awake and I peeked through the window and saw you and Dad burying him in our backyard. His name was Randy, because Randy was the name of the main character of your favourite children's book.”

“How the heck do you...?”

“The same way I know that when I was Ashlyn I had a five-inch scar in my left arm. Nobody, not even Ali, ever knew because it was covered by tattoos, but I had it because when we were teens we fought and it was the one time you ever hit me. You hit me with a bottle, because you were drunk and drugged, I raised my arm to protect myself and the bottle broke against it, slicing my arm. You took me to the hospital to get it stitched and that night you swore to me you'd get sober,” James rambled, with tears in his eyes of both anger and frustration. “And I know all of that because I am Ashlyn. I know I don't look like her, I know it's strange and confusing and believe me, my head's still trying to understand anything, but I was having an awful time as a dead person, I missed all of you terribly, and I couldn't stop begging whoever would listen for just one more chance to hold my wife, saying I'd do anything for that,” his lip quivered and a couple of tears fell down his cheeks, remembering how awful he had felt. “I was all alone, Pops was busy looking after Nana, and death was nothing like they told us it would be because the Bible said so. And so,” he stopped to sniffle for a moment, trying to calm himself and stop sobbing, “when I saw the car accident, I thought Ali was dead. I thought maybe it was time to take her with me, but I didn't want her to die either, so I tried to pull her from the wreckage, get help, but I was dead so what could I do? And then I saw Parker, our friend Parker,” he rubbed his eyes impatiently to rub the tears away, staring at Christopher, who had shut up at last. “He just left his body. And he saw me and... he told me to resume my love story with Ali, to take care of her, and he said his goodbyes and left to be with his late wife. I didn't understand the heck he was talking about, but I touched his body and... it felt like it was pulling me in. Next thing I know I'm waking up at the hospital in this body, and you have to believe me!”

He ended up yelling in exasperation and turned away, turning his back on the family and moving aside to calm himself, rubbing his face with his sleeve. A warm hand touched his shoulder and then Ali was between his arms, holding him close.

“You're okay,” Ali reassured him, squeezing him gently. “It's over, you're safe.” James nodded, nuzzling into her neck.

After a moment, there was a pat on his shoulder and he turned, separating from Ali, and met his Mum, who took his face between her hands, looking emotional.

“Oh my God it really is you, isn't it? My baby girl?”

James smiled a little.

“Unfortunately not a girl anymore, Mum... but I named myself James Michael Hudson. James after your Dad, Michael after Dad and as it's the male version of my middle name, and Hudson after Nana. I wanted to keep a part of the family in my name, whatever happened.”

Tammye grinned and then sobbed, and hugged him. Her baby was back.


	18. Lessons

**Chapter 18: Lessons.**

It was a heavily emotional afternoon and night. They talked, cried, and James told them everything he remembered of being dead, including his funeral as Ashlyn, continuing to provide details no one but a ghost or Ashlyn would've known. Once the family was ready to laugh about it, they teased his new condition as a man, poking and joking around, and there were hugs and so much love. They also asked Ali how she had found out, and she explained how she had known Parker, and after the accident he didn't seem like himself, but consistently reminded her of Ashlyn, and how when he hugged him or kissed him, once she knew he was Ashlyn, it was confirmed because she could just feel it. Once the truth was out, after all, it was obvious for everyone and hard to think how they hadn't noticed before. James was, after all, not so manly. He moved like Ashlyn, spoke like Ashlyn, joked like Ashlyn, and had the same ticks, gestures, likes, dislikes, and eating habits. They ate the same, drank the same, and when doodling for the kids, doodled the same. Even his handwriting, they tested, was the exact same. He was oddly feminine in gestures and movement, and one would mistake him as the stereotype of a gay man if they didn't know he was a woman, and then every now and then shyly adjusted the crotch of his trousers, as if trying to get comfortable with his new genitalia, for which he was also teased.

It was also complicated to get the family to unanimously agree to secrecy, to pretend Ashlyn did die so no one would suspect, and also for the children, and to call her James and accept he had to have a new identity. There was no choice, it was the price to pay for being back. He'd do anything to be back, he said, and becoming James felt like a small price to pay.

“So you and Ali will marry again?” asked Cassidy sitting on James' knees late at night, as they were still chatting, everyone too enthusiastic to feel tired.

“Yes,” James smiled at Ali. “But it'll be something small this time. Just the very few people we will tell who I am to. You guys, Ali's parents, Kyle who already knows, and maybe a few friends.”

“We're telling more people though,” Ali clarified. “Our closest, most trustworthy friends, mainly, as it's quite a big secret and the least people know, the better.”

“Isn't it sad to have some of your friends forever think you died and be sad?” Tammye asked, sitting next to James, getting used to his new look.

“Yes but, I can't have everything. I can't keep all my friends from before,” James said sadly, and patted Cassidy to get up, his legs starting to hurt. “The more people know the easier it'll be for someone to accidentally slip and get me in trouble. Imagine the headlines Mum, 'Ali Krieger starts anew with man who claims to be her late dead wife'. They'd mock her, and put me in psych. I have no choice but to kill my old life as much as possible, and choose very carefully who gets to stay and know the truth. But it's not all lost; they're still in Ali's life, she will just have to play the mourning widow when she's with them, and I'll stay somewhat close to them through her, once we can publicly reveal Ali's found someone new.”

“About that, how much do you guys think is okay to wait? I don't want them to think I didn't love Ashlyn and reveal to be with James too soon, but also, I don't think I can pretend for another decade. We want to have kids.”

“You know what, sis? After all that's happened, fuck them,” said Christopher. “It's your life, don't waste time, if being with A— James, and having kids with him, is what you need to do to be happy, then do it. People will always judge you.”

“We had also thought that maybe, if the fans or the public opinion get too negative on her, she could also just say James' a good old friend, a widower as well, and they bonded and became close over my death,” said James. “Maybe that way they won't be too cruel.”

“I'll also keep saying Ashlyn was the love of my life and my new marriage is just an arranged companionship with someone in the same situation, who's my best friend, and that even though I'll never love him as much, it feels comforting to just have somebody. Give People an interview, shed a few tears, get the fans to love me back,” Ali offered.

“That is dark, twisted, and I absolutely love it,” Brittany laughed. “You're going to get an Oscar Ali.”

“Speaking of, have you decided what to work in now?” Corey inquired looking at James. “I could hire you at the shop, if you need something.”

“I think I'm going to have some me time for now. Surf some, find myself again,” James shrugged, thinking things through. “I don't have money issues thankfully, so it's okay, and we found a therapist who, kid you not, specializes in helping people deal with being reincarnated. She doesn't know I'm actually a famous person, but she doesn't need to, she's pretty great, so I'll use that. And then eventually... don't know, this body is quite hot, maybe I could still try to be a model, so they don't think I'm a trophy husband.” He added as a joke, playfully elbowing Ali, who giggled.

“Best trophy I ever won though,” Ali said sensually, blushing as she kissed him so publicly. James smiled against her lips, kissing her back, and when they separated Ali was grinning. “You've been kissing me the exact same since we were in our twenties, did you know? I could be blindfolded and I'd know it's you.”

“You know me better than anyone,” said James, putting an arm around her to have her close.

“Isn't it weird in bed though?” Carlin asked, getting a collective 'CARLIN!' from their horrified parents. “But guys! She has a dick now, it's a legit question!”

“I mean...” Ali blushed harder. “It's an adjustment, for sure, for the both of us. But your cousin is great at mastering any skills, no matter what you give her, sort of saying.”

“Ugh, I didn't want to know,” Christopher made a gagging sound, making them laugh.

“And hey, I'm still the handsomest sibling!” James added jokingly, teasing him.

“Joke's on you, men become bald way sooner,” Chris teased back, and James' shocked expression of realization was amusing enough to make them laugh at his cost. “By the way, how are you doing with aiming at the toilet, uh?”

“That's the easiest part of being James Hudson, literally,” James deadpanned. “You have no more excuses, I've become a man, and I still don't get it!” he added giggling.

The laughter died and they looked at each other with faint smiles, happier than they had been in a long time. The kids were sleeping inside, and the stars were bright in the sky, the waves soothing them into relaxation. Then, after the long, yet comfortable silence, Ali spoke on impulse, looking lovingly at James.

“You know, looking back, this is totally something you would do. Trying so hard to be different that you'd end up changing your gender and still managing to be just as freaking perfect, how you do it?”

James smiled smugly, pecking the tip of her nose playfully.

“I look at you every day being so perfect and just try to imitate.”

The next few days were much calmer. After telling the family, it was easy to tell Ali's parents and step-parents, Kyle came to hang with them for a couple weeks, and he and James sat together seeing Ali play for the Pride on a couple of occasions. The Pride would play the whole season with black armbands because of Ashlyn, and a black lace was also permanently tied in the goal where the Pride fan groups often were, so sometimes it was a bit emotional to go, but it was okay. Kyle's friend from New Orleans also came with her mother, and they used that to tell the truth to their friends the Dywer-Leroux, their best non-soccer friends, and their friends and Pride teammates the Carrascos, and Emily Sonnett, all of whom were in Orlando.

Mahala, as it was the name of Kyle's friend's gypsy mother who spoke with the dead, stayed in the house for a few days to help James. They'd often meditate together in the mornings, while Ali was in training and the house was quiet, and she would help him connect his mind and spirit with his new body, and make him feel his soul more soothed down.

“Do you think Parker is okay?” James asked one of those mornings, sitting with her on the rug in the living room, practising breathing techniques. The older woman, with light brown skin and white hair, was in her sixties and still sat with him doing the exercises.

“I know he is,” she answered softly. “He's happy with Rose. I feel it.” No one had told her the name of his wife was Rose, but they didn't question her anymore. She had proven her honesty.

“Mahala... why do you think I got to return?” James asked then. “When Parker died, there were voices in the air that I couldn't understand, but he seemed to know I had to return. How...?”

“You see,” she took his hands gently, and traced the lines across his palms. “Is all here. The stars, sometimes they make mistakes, but the universe is supposed to be in balance. Light and dark, the good and bad energies, the day and the night... is all opposed things in balance. And it wasn't your turn to die.”

“What?”

“Your grandfather did, and your Nana... she doesn't have much time, James, you should know,” Mahala said softly, staring into his eyes with hers full of kindness. “So when the universe took you, the balance broke. Your Dad couldn't lose his child and parents all within one year. He had carefully taken care of himself, to be a good man, to recover from his past... when you died the Universe realized such an abrupt, horrible dead would unleash a chain of tragic events. Your father would relapse into alcohol, your mother would become heavily depressed, your brother would kill himself leaving behind a pregnant fiancée without knowing, which would drive your mother into suicide as well. Your grandma would then die, and it would become so much your entire family would never recover. Good people, all of them, which screwed the energies. That good was necessary in the world.”

“And Ali? What would happen to her?”

“She would never be able to play soccer again. She'd try to do as she promised, go on, love again... but eventually seeing the deaths in your family and all, she'd feel more and more lonely, and would start hurting herself, with possibility of dying. The children it's written in the stars you both are supposed to have would never happen, and that would also affect the future of the world.”

“So you're saying... reincarnations are the way the world has of... correcting mistakes?”

“More or less. You see, it's not all written on stone. We have choices to make, and probabilities of choosing one thing or another. Sometimes, the universe makes a mistake, but if we accept it and the energy doesn't disrupt, then okay. The same way as if someone makes you pay more in the supermarket, and you don't notice, you don't complain and all good. But you were disrupting the energies. You weren't okay. Your family neither. You made the universe revisit the events and realize that it'd be a mistake, but you still had to prove how much you wanted to come back, how important it really is for us.”

“So the universe is always testing us...”

“Exactly. In the same way we all can make our craziest dreams come true, but we have to believe, fight hard, not give up... and most people don't. They make a different choice, and their destinies change. You were determined to change your destiny, to return, you weren't done. You passed the tests, and the universe let you stay.”

“Does that mean death is not going to be mad I got away and... keep trying to kill me? I read once it could happen,” James commented warily.

“It won't. Like I said, you fought for this, you earned it.”

James nodded softly and then couldn't help but ask.

“How long does Nana have?”

“I can't tell you the exact moment, I don't know it but... she won't be alive by Christmas. Those voices in the air that Parker heard? They're telling me.”

“What are they?”

“Spirits in the beyond that know it all, the nature talking, the universe talking... countless voices, but if the message is meant for you, and you learn the art of listening, you will hear it.”

“Me?”

Mahala nodded, continuing to look at her hands.

“James, glasses aren't always an indicative of someone who sees less. Quite on the contrary, they may point to someone who sees more.”

James frowned in thought.

“Meaning?”

“Keep your eyes wide open, learn to truly see... you may start seeing and listening to more than you thought possible.”

Then, the penny dropped.

“Wait a moment I don't want to communicate with the dead.”

“Everyone who returns carries a part of it with themselves, you can't help it. But don't worry, you're not meant to be a Guide, so they won't all go after you... but you must devote your life to good, and do your best with the gift you're given. You must continue to prove the universe you're here to do good with the time you've been granted. We all have a mission here, you have to find it.”

“Right,” James sighed, giving up on understanding everything straight ahead. “Can I ask you one more thing?”

“Sure.”

“Will Ali and I... will we get to grow old? Have children, a happily ever after?”

Mahala looked up to him and grinned, nodding.

“It's how it's meant to be, James. The Universe embraces, not opposes love, you both have been tested, you've passed the greatest test now continuing to love each other through all this change and tragedy... the Universe needs that to keep existing, without love, all things die. But you must raise your children to be good, and then they'll be a great force of change.”

James smiled proudly.

“Children, uh? As in more than one?”

Mahala laughed, slapping him kindly.

“That's enough for one day, young man. Go cook lunch, your future wife will arrive right on time and starved.”

“Even I know that without powers,” James teased, making her laugh.

Surely enough, he had only just set the food at the table and fed the dogs when he heard Ali's car in the driveway, and the dogs went crazy running to the door with wagging tails. The door opened and the dogs immediately jumped on Ali, trying to lick every part of her they could reach, so the brunette spent a good amount of time with them. James observed amused and heart-warmed.

“Look at that, your biggest fans,” he commented. Ali looked up at him from between the heads of the dogs with a huge grin.

“Hi!”

“Hi!” James chuckled as she walked to him before they kissed. “I missed you,” he added, wrapping his arms around her waist. “You're never leaving the house again.” He joked, making her giggle.

“I might consider,” Ali kissed him once more. “How was it with Mahala today?”

“Eye opening and confusing as always. Training?”

“Makes me feel alive,” Ali chuckled. “Smells amazing, what did you cook?”

“Some fish and some— Mahala, you leaving?” James interrupted himself when Mahala appeared with her suitcases.

“I'm being summoned back home, they need me,” Mahala said with a smile. The couple knew with 'summoned' she didn't really mean getting a phone call.

“Oh,” Ali approached her, “let me give you a ride to the airport then, please.”

“No, you guys eat, enjoy each other,” Mahala's smile grew. “Thank you so much for your hospitality, it's been a wonderful trip!”

“Thank _you_ for everything,” James rushed to her, giving her a brief hug. “I owe you big time, you've taught me so much.”

“Yeah, come back any time,” Ali kindly added.

“Something tells me you'll be just fine without me,” Mahala hugged them both and reached for the door. She then turned and winked at James. “See not with the eyes, listen not with the ears, remember.”

“Right,” James nodded, and waved goodbye as she left. Ali turned to him.

“What was that about?”

“I promise if I had the slightest idea, I'd tell you.”

Ali nodded slowly and looked back at the door. That woman was very, very weird.


	19. A new start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has some porn!

**Chapter 19: A new start.**

Moans and groans filled the room and James' fingers dug harder into Ali's hips as he hammered her from behind with his hardness. Ali was bent over the kitchen island holding onto it for dear life, and she was feeling the build-up to one of the most intense orgasms of her whole life. She was really growing fond of the feeling of James exploding in her insides, making her feel impossibly full as she also reached her peak, and she was now in the part of her cycle where she just felt horny continuously, so when James had appeared in the kitchen shirtless and a bit sweaty after doing some morning exercise while she did her morning routine, she had basically jumped on his arms.

“I'm almost there!” Ali announced, closing her eyes to ignore their puppy Storm's curious eyes. “Harder baby, harder!”

James' hips were beginning to give up, so he pressed as far inside as he would go, with his testicles pressed against Ali's entry too, and reached with a hand to fondle Ali's clit. Just as he felt Ali's walls clench with her release, he let himself fall over the edge too, interlacing his fingers from his free hand with Ali's on the counter as they both moaned in delight.

“Oh my,” James slumped over her back, pecking her freckles there. “I'm honestly surprised you're not pregnant yet.”

“We just have to keep trying, it's so much more fun than labour,” Ali joked with a snigger,

James joined sniggering, wrapping her arms around her waist and peppering kisses across her back and he gently pulled out of her.

“Come on love, go clean up and I'll clean here; you're going to be late for training.”

“But my legs feel like jelly...”

“Want me to carry you?”

“Hmm... you know, you were strong before but now you're like really strong and I really dig it.”

“My spoiled princess,” James chuckled, helping her stand up and then carrying her bride style towards the stairs. He suddenly laughed, and Ali looked curious at him, wrapping her arms around his neck. “I was just thinking how you carried me bride style when we first returned home after the wedding.”

Ali smiled, gently tugging his earlobe between her teeth.

“Funny how things change...”

While the defender went to the stadium to train some more, as sometimes they did get their field to train, James went out to do some major shopping for the house with the car. He had just found a place to park the car in downtown Orlando when he heard a voice right in his ear.

“Look up!”

Startled, James looked up and sure enough, he saw a little child climbing over a balcony railing, unconscious of the danger, in what probably was a sixth or seventh storey of an apartment building. James looked around but no one was there, and the closest passer by was too far to have been the voice. _Do good. Listen not with your ears._ Suddenly everything Mahala was saying made sense and James looked up. The little toddler was going to fall, he had to act quickly.

There was a big trash skip and if he climbed there he could stretch and reach the railings of the first balcony. He was athletic, he'd climb from one balcony to another. Without thinking twice, he began to do this and the people in the street started to notice what was going on, stop, stare, call the emergency services.

Surprisingly, James found he wasn't scared. He knew he wasn't going to die, Mahala had said so. He'd live a long life, he'd be fine. Still, to his surprise, he found himself not alone. Voices around his head began to whisper instructions and encouragement, and he knew he could make it.

“Right foot to your right.”

“Stretch your left hand, you almost got it.”

“Just a bit more, you can do this.”

At last, James reached the balcony where the toddler had finally gotten scared and begun to cry, and he reached a strong arm, grabbing the kid and pushing him into the balcony as the street erupted in applause of relief. James' arms were aching, but he grinned at the kid and stood up, holding him close to calm him down. A father suddenly appeared in a rush, looking anguished.

“My baby! You! What the...?”

“Your child almost fell to his dead. I climbed to get him,” James passed the kid over. “You should be more careful.”

“You climbed? Climbed from where?”

“The street. Can I use the stairs to go back down, though?”

Like a silent hero, James was out of the scene before the police could interrogate him. He was still smiling as he pushed his cart down the vegetable aisle in the supermarket, and a voice behind him startled him so much he almost dropped a pepper.

“Thank you for saving my granddaughter today,” James turned to see an elderly man who clearly wasn't alive. Trying not to be caught speaking with the aisle, James turned back to the pepper and tried not to move his lips much, looking down.

“Thank you for alerting me.”

“My son is a good boy. He didn't mean to neglect... but his wife just had a baby and is in hospital, and he's not sleeping well. He'll be more careful now.”

“I don't judge, Sir. I merely do what I can to help.”

He felt a coldness in his shoulder, and saw the man was putting his hand there with a smile.

“Thank you again.”

“Can I do anything else for now?”

“I'm fine, thanks. But your grandfather gave me a message for you, he couldn't come himself, as he's watching over your grandmother.”

“Pops? What did he say?”

“He said, tell her it'll happen in less than three months.”

“What will happen then?”

“He didn't say.”

“Okay,” James nodded. “Thanks...”

“Andy.”

“Andy. Thank you.”

James tried to continue with his routine as normally as possible, but when he got to the car, Ali started phoning non stop. He put her on speaker.

“Hi babe...”

“What the hell did you think you were doing mister?!” her anguished voice came, three octaves higher than normal.

“About what, honey?”

“The balcony. Is all over the social media, TV... people filmed you. They call you Orlando's Spiderman now.”

“Sweet,” James chuckled, loving Spiderman. “Babe, it's fine, I couldn't die.”

“You think that you're immortal now?”

“I'm not! But Mahala told me I will live until I'm old. We will be old together, Ali. Besides, I wasn't alone. The voices helped me.”

“The voices?”

“People from beyond, love. I finally understood Mahala. Listen not with the ears, she meant ears are not enough to hear those in the beyond, you have to use the heart or... something. She told me to keep my eyes wide open. That I had a mission, that I had to be good, that when I came from the dead, I brought something with me and now I think I get it,” he rambled.

“I have no clue what...”

“Babe, I can see the dead, and hear it. Not everyone, only...” he suddenly chortled. “That's why I lost eyesight! The distance where I see blurry is the same one where I can see the dead. Is where the line between the worlds fades so I can see them!”

“You're starting to sound crazy, and I say it lovingly, Jamie.”

James laughed.

“It all makes sense now! Baby, when I was dead I could hear them but I didn't understand them, and I could see them too. Mahala told me I'd understand what they say when it was for me, when I was listening and not just hearing. She said people with glasses sometimes just see more than the average. And she was right. She's been preparing me, with all this meditation stuff and Qigong and all, so I had a better internal harmony so I could see and listen properly. So I was in the street and someone told me to look up, and I saw the kid hanging, okay?”

“Right...”

“And then as I was climbing... they were guiding me, Alex. They were telling me exactly what to do. And afterwards at the supermarket, I saw the toddler's grandfather, he thanked me.”

“Oh my God. Are you like... the Ghost Whisperer now or something?”

“No. Mediums and the Ghost Whisperer stuff are what Mahala calls Guides,” James explained, driving carefully. Ali still got uneasy in cars, ever since the accident, although less if she was at the wheel, so he had gotten used to driving more gently. “But she said I'm not one. I don't hear all of them all the time, nor see them... and this guy didn't ask any favours, just to save the kid. They don't need guidance, you see? I guess I'm just like... a tool so they can help the living better? Like, a connection between worlds?”

Ali puffed, her brain exploding.

“Love, I'm only a soccer player, and I'm too tired to think. Just be careful, okay? I don't care what they say, if they tell you to jump off the cliff, you don't, understood? I almost got a stroke.”

“I won't, I promise. I love you.”

“I love you too. Gotta go back, drive safe baby.”

“Will do. Have fun!”

James continued to drive and at one point, he scowled, realizing his car wasn't obeying. The car suddenly swerved to one side, perfectly controlled, and he knew he wasn't the one driving anymore.

“You know you could just talk, all right?” James said out loud. As if on cue, a black middle-aged man appeared on the seat next to him, and if James had been driving, the scare would've sent him into an accident.

“Sorry dude, but my mates need you.”

“Who are you again?”

“Ronan. I died last night,” he said.

“Ah, sorry, you know, you should go beyond, I heard it's quite nice...”

“I will, there's just one thing I need you to do for me.” He pointed straight into the road at a public meal centre. “I used to eat here day and night, I lived in the street. Thing is, they need some extra help. Too many mouths to feed, you know? And since you don't have a job,” James noticed he was back controlling the car, “would you mind coming here a few times a week? Whenever you can, it'd be appreciated a lot.”

James snorted a laugh, stopping the car by the side of the road, and nodded.

“Fine.”

“Thanks mate,” the spirit patted his shoulder and when James next looked, he was gone.

So James got out of the car and entered the meal centre. The day was going to be interesting.

. . .

Arriving home late in the afternoon, James found Ali in the kitchen having a sandwich, surprised to see him appear just now.

“What took you so long?” Ali inquired, moving to kiss him.

“Apparently I'm the spirits' hands in the real world. One convinced me to volunteer in a public meal centre whenever I can, and that's where I was.”

Ali pursed her lips deep in thought, and then nodded very slowly, staring at him.

“So basically now you're a saint. Saving kids, doing volunteering...” Ali began to smile teasingly. “I dig it, but your schedule is going to be a bit too full, don't you think?”

“Well I have to be an extra good person because otherwise, to put it like Mahala would... the Universe might decide I wasn't worth resuscitating.”

“I see,” Ali sighed, wrapping her arms around his middle. “Life is getting more and more complicated than we ever though, uh?”

James agreed with a hum, leaning back against her, and then something in her tone and her general vibe made him think something was up. He abruptly turned and looked at her. She smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. It seemed almost forced.

“What's wrong?”

“I uh...” Ali sighed, looking down.

“Ali? Are you okay babe?” James pressed, cupping her face to look at her in the eye. Ali took a deep breath and shrugged, her eyes becoming glassy.

“I had a miscarriage today.”

The news felt like a jar of cold water inside of James' chest. He had just saved a toddler, and in the meantime, they had lost their own would-be first born. He took her hand and guided her to the sofa, where he sat, pulling her onto his lap and holding her close lovingly.

“Tell me everything,” he petitioned with a soft voice.

The defender sighed again, and nodded, leaning against his chest and playing with his hair.

“I didn't know I was pregnant, but while playing I just got this insane pain in the belly, like a really bad period cramp, and I felt myself wet. Syd then ran to me and told me there was blood on my shorts so I look down and truly enough, there was blood. Of course in the team only our closest friends know about you, and hence you and I, so everyone insisted I saw the team doctor, to whom I confessed to have had sex with a man, and that my period wasn't due now, and... they confirmed it was a miscarriage.”

“Does it still hurt?”

“No, they gave me some painkillers.”

“So are you still bleeding?” his voice was tender and sweet, full of worry, and Ali felt so good just by hearing it. In those moments it was a strong reminder of Ashlyn's usual soft voice as a woman.

“A little bit, I put on a pad.”

“Okay,” James pressed his lips against her temple. “Why don't you get in your comfiest pyjamas and snuggle in bed? I'll prepare an early dinner and we can eat in bed, maybe watch some telly if you want, and cuddle. Would that make you feel better?”

Ali smiled small, and nodded.

“Yeah, that could work. Is just that... it was our child. We were going to have a baby.”

“I know... it's a big bummer, but we will have one, all right? And at least this baby didn't suffer, it couldn't have been older than a few weeks...” James pecked her lips and smiled lovingly at her. “One day we will make it, and you'll be a wonderful mother, and I'll be a wonderful mother-father.” He finished jokingly, making her chuckle.

“Seriously though, we have to figure out what they'll call you,” Ali stretched and nuzzled into his cheek. “I feel better now.”

“Good,” James squeezed her tight. “We don't have to move until you're ready. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“That said... why didn't you call me? If you were feeling bad... we were just on the phone before...”

“It happened after the call, and I needed some time to process myself before telling you.”

“All right. Well, these things happen, you know? It's a bummer, but it doesn't mean you did anything wrong, or that there is anything wrong with you. It happens in the healthiest women, with younger women, it happens all over the world all the time... it's not your fault, okay? When we're meant to be parents, we will be, and I am sure one day soon we will be.”

“I love your optimism, you're right... it'll happen.” Ali patted his chest and after a quick kiss on his cheek, stood up. “Right, I'll see you upstairs. Thank you honey.”

“You're welcome.”

That night, while they snuggled in bed and Ali fell asleep between James' arms while watching Netflix with him spooning her from behind, James' hand absent-mindedly caressed his partner's belly, bare beneath her night shirt, and wondered how it would be to have a baby in the house. It has always been their plan, for years and years, and now it felt like they had been qualified for the Olympics only to be disqualified in the first game. But he wasn't too sad. He remembered Mahala's words and trusted it would happen, because it was some sort of written in the stars.

  
  



	20. In each and every life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Veeeery porny

**Chapter 20: In each and every life.**

James' first day in his new job came after a long weekend spent with the family in Satellite Beach visiting his grandmother, although she had no idea she was his grandmother. She did remember Ashlyn, though, with great sadness. Through Ashlyn's career in communications, she had done some radio, so Ali pulled some strings to get him an audition to work at one of Orlando's music radios, and when they heard him, they decided to hire him. And thus he was working there for now, but it was meant as a temporary thing, just to do something fun and not spend the whole day bored home.

It was by then late September, Ali was wrapping things up with the NWSL, and on one day she didn't have training and James was at work, she decided to prepare a bit of a surprise for him. She had bought a platinum ring with a middle band of mini diamonds. He couldn't wear Ashlyn's rings because someone could recognize them and charge against Ali for giving away her supposedly dead wife's rings, although he had been wearing Ashlyn's wedding band hung from a necklace beneath his clothes, but Ali knew his personality and knew the person she married had always needed to be flashing some ice. They were getting a new chance, a new life, and would need some new jewellery accordingly, without ever forgetting the old one.

Then, Ali set sensual jazz music in the house, put some warm dimly light, cooked some of James' favourite dishes, opened one of their finest bottles of wine, and bought several bouquets of roses, spending a considerable amount of time on cleaning the roses from bad leaves and thorns and aligning them one by one in two parallel lines forming a corridor from the front door to the dinning table, where she set the the remaining roses forming the most gigantic bouquet ever. It was perhaps a bit cliché, but it felt right.

So when Ali heard James' key in the front door's lock, she ran there, having already pushed the dogs into the house so they wouldn't disturb her arrangement. She had put on some lingerie, and was only wearing that and a very sexy, purple, nightgown, with a low cleavage that really framed her breasts, and a loosely tied dark blue velvet house robe, letting her cleavage be exposed.

James' eyes immediately went from her face to her breasts, feet, and up to her breasts, as his jaw fell a little further by the second, petrified at the door, while she grinned.

“Oh heavens I am so, so bloody lucky,” he murmured, starting to grin.

“You are,” Ali beamed and put her arms around his neck, bringing him in for a heated kiss while she discarded his briefcase and jacket without separating. Once they separated, however, James' eyes wandered around the corridor noticing the flowers and smiling further, following the path to the dinning table, hearing the music and seeing how everything looked so good and the table was so deliciously full and steaming.

“Babe!” James chuckled. “What's all of this?”

“I'm just giving my love the treat he deserves,” Ali said simply, grabbing the bouquet and handing it to him. “I'm so proud of you.” She added, kissing him again.

“Love, this is...” James shook his head, amazed. “Nobody's ever treated me like you do. I am so blessed, thank you, this is so beautiful, and so nice, and welcoming.”

“I love you,” Ali said simply, pulling a chair back for him.

“I love you more,” he kissed her again, then sat down, smelling the flowers and grinning more and more, his tiredness from the long day disappearing. “Woah. Just woah. Everything smells so good, everything looks amazing... Oh my God are you pregnant? Are we celebrating?”

“No,” Ali lifted the wine with a smirk, and poured them a glass. “But we are celebrating. You, us, our lucky stars...” she filled his plate first, and sat down, intertwining their fingers over the table as he looked lovingly at her, in a way that made her blush. “My one regret after having seen you die is that it never really seemed like we had enough romantic moments for just us, without any special occasion, and I plan on mending that.”

“You're so right,” James took her hand to his lips. “You're wonderful. And extraordinary. And I couldn't be luckier to have you of all people.”

Ali beamed, caressing his face.

It was hard to eat when they couldn't stop bringing a hand to touch the other, looking at each other in the most intense of ways, and showing the other so much affection. Eventually, they put the plates in the dishwasher and Ali brought some chocolates from the fridge. She had just eaten a liquor-filled one for extra valour, when she pulled the ring out of her house robe pocket under the table, knelt on the floor by James' legs, and held the ring up for him, smiling. James looked at her, all surprised, and laughed.

“Oh my! Sneaky you... I'm so marrying you. Yes, a thousand times yes.”

“Wait, I have to ask first!” James giggled and nodded.

“Sorry, you do it.”

Ali beamed and took his hand, squeezing it tight.

“Honey, I've known so many versions of you, Ashlyn, goalkeeper, friend, girlfriend, wife... now James. And in the process I've realized I love every version of you, and I will always love each and every version of you I get to know, because you are like the Universe, always finding creative ways to expand and exist again, always finding a way to shine bright, be great, be incredible and be beautiful inside out, constantly changing and ever growing. You are my soul mate, my inspiration, my partner for life... and I don't care how many changes you've yet to have, you will still be my Universe and I will forever consider you the most amazing being I'll know. All I can do is hope you continue to choose me to spend eternity with, because I could never possibly get tired of being amazed by you. And it doesn't matter if your name is Ashlyn, James, if you have boobs or not... to me, you will always just be the love of my life. My past, my present and my forever. My everything. So... will you do me the honour of making me your wife just once more?”

James beamed from ear to ear, eyes shinning with unshed tears, and nodded, offering his ring finger.

“Damn right baby, let's do this!” Ali grinned, sliding the ring on her finger, and leaping onto his lap to kiss him properly, moaning into the kiss.

“God how much I love you!” James squeezed her tight and squealed, moving to see his ring. “Baby this is gorgeous!”

“I know you like them bigger and more flashing, but I just figured this would look so nice on you as well, and it could be a nice novelty...”

“Alex, I absolutely love it. It's perfect, thank you,” he kissed her again. “I got the two most gorgeous engagement rings ever. I'm so lucky!”

Ali giggled at the repetition of the lucky word, and snuggled on his lap.

“I was thinking of keeping my old rings. No one will suspect because of course I'd wear the rings my dead wife gave me, and in some way it feels like... a lucky charm, to bring something old into our new life. A token of all the love we already had.”

“Whatever feels better to you, my darling,” James kissed her again. “Gee I could eat you! You smell so well, you're so soft and warm!”

Ali sniggered and let her house robe fall, showing her little nightgown, so short it barely covered her crotch, but it exposed her long, muscled legs, covered in black fishnet stockings up to her thighs, with suspenders that attached her presumably to something covered by the nightgown that made James' throat dry.

“You might as well just... eat me.” Ali said sensually, massaging her own breast. She felt James' hardness against her crotch immediately, through their clothes, and saw James' pupils dilate impossibly black. He wasted no time, and pulled from the nightgown to remove it, revealing a little black thong where the suspenders ended, and no bra.

The little deep-throated sound of urgency James emitted at the sight almost made Ali cum right there. His hands were soon attending her nipples, pulling them a little too hard as he knew she sometimes enjoyed, making them swollen and red while his mouth attacked her mouth, neck, and finally, joined on the breast feast. He also worked to remove his shirt, and once that was accomplished, he cupped her ass cheeks and stood up, carrying her well-pressed against the bulge in his pants until he threw her on the bed and discarded his clothes, climbing on her for a heated kiss, while she felt the soft, wet head of his prick rubbing against her belly.

“I'm so hard for you baby, so hard...”

“Fuck me that hard, Jamie, come on... I don't have time for foreplay today, my cunt is freaking on flames,” Ali's dirty talk only made his member straighten more proudly, and without wasting any seconds, he practically ripped off her lingerie, he aligned with her entry, and pounded hard, making her scream in pleasure. “Harder! Harder!”

James gripped her hips hard until his knuckles went white, and started a vigorous pounding, the sound of their moans and his testicles slapping her ass filling the room for a long while.

“You're so tight baby, you're so soft and warm it's like coming home,” James assured, making out with her and letting her feel a good portion of his weight, like she always enjoyed.

“You think that's tight? Fuck my ass.”

“Wait, what?” It was something they had only done maybe twice in their whole lives.

“Fuck my ass baby. I want my man claiming every hole.”

James would normally grimace because it sounded sexy, but he was too turned on to care at this point. Ali threw her head moan as one of his 'fat fingers' cautiously pressed its way into her alongside his dick to lube it, before pressing it against her backdoor while still pounding her, and soon one finger became two, scissoring, giving her the painful and pleasurable stretch, making her moan hysterically at the new sensations. And then, James rolled her on her side, holding one of her legs with one of his strong arms and rubbing her wetness with the other, and Ali felt his fat head against her tightest entry pressing with insistence until it finally gave in and they both moaned loudly.

This was going to be a fun night.


	21. Birthday blues

**Chapter 21: Birthday blues.**

When Ashlyn Michelle Harris' birthday came on October 19th, she would've been thirty-six. She had been born on a sunny morning in Satellite Beach, and she had died on a cold, awful day. And now, James Hudson decided that, no matter what his official birth certificate said, his birthday would continue to be on October 19th. So he got excited about it, knowing Ali had a cake made for him, and his family would plan a beach barbecue for them to come to, and he did his best not to think in how he wouldn't be able to watch TV or open the Internet or Ashlyn's Social Media accounts, because he knew while he was happy, the world would be mourning her intensely. Some of his friends from his old life, mainly those who were celebrities, had texted him to ask for the protocol. Obviously they had to pretend Ashlyn had never been reincarnated and with how sad the fans were going to be, they were expected to post something in her honour online, but at the same time it seemed kinda fake when she wasn't dead-dead.

So James told them to simply think of it as a day that was very sad, when they didn't think they'd get Ashlyn back, and think of how it felt like. He told them that whatever they posted wasn't about being politically correct, but about being conscious that her life was in many ways over, that everything had changed that day, and that no matter how she had come back, she had still lost most of what she had, and they had lost her as Ashlyn too. It was like commemorating the day one had become paraplegic; sure you were still alive, but your whole life had changed, and that was something to mourn too. James knew his friends did feel the heaviness of the memory of Ashlyn's death, so he told them to just use that. Not to make a politically or socially correct thing, but to in some way, remember how everything had once been and mourn the fact that it'd never be the same, while somehow accepting the responsibility of helping their fans deal with it.

“Happy birthday to me,” James beamed, eyes still closed, as he stretched in bed. He couldn't hear a noise in the room as he started to rise from his deep rest, but he just felt so lucky, able to celebrate a birthday more... it was like the Universe was grinning big at him. He was alive. It was unbelievable.

Jumping off the bed, he had a quick shower, dressed and started to walk down the stairs to the kitchen. He was about to reach the final set of stairs when a sob made him stop in his tracks and listen closely. It sounded like Ali was crying in the kitchen, trying to muffle herself and failing. Scowling, James hurried down the last set of steps and reached the kitchen, where he stopped at the doorframe, once his eyes landed on Ali and saw what was happening.

Ali was sitting at the small breakfast table, holding the framed picture of their wedding, and crying violently while covering part of her face with one hand. James put two and two together quite quickly and was unable to go and console her as a mixture of rage, frustration and sadness invaded his heart. Why was she crying at those pictures? Because obviously he wasn't enough. She wanted Ashlyn as she had been, not James, and now she was mourning her Ashlyn, the woman she loved and married, and not James, her consolation price. Or at least, that's what he thought.

As his weight shifted and the wood beneath his feet cracked, Ali's eyes snapped up and her crying was interrupted.

“Jamie! I'm sorry,” Ali took a deep breath and blew her nose on a tissue before walking to the sink to splash some water on her face. “I was just... anyway... Happy Birthday love.” She said, rubbing her eyes in the sink. James shook his head and turned around, angrily going to get the leashes so he could walk the dogs. As he was on it, Ali noticed he was angry and rushed after him. “James! Baby! Why are you angry? It's your birthday!”

“Oh I don't know,” James said passive-aggressively, untangling leashes. “Maybe because my wife has gotten every widow's dream of having her partner back from the dead and still cries her eyes out because apparently the fact that I'm back and it's a damn miracle it's not enough if I can't still be Ashlyn fucking Harris!” his tone raised several decibels by the second and in the end he snapped, glaring at her. Ali was taken aback and rubbed her teary eyes, frowning, not knowing what to say. “I am blessed to be alive Ali! And I am happy! I woke up today beaming in happiness because I get to turn a year more, against all odds! So why didn't you? Why did you wake up miserable instead, when I'm not dead?! I'm here! You have no reason to cry! Just because my face is different, it doesn't mean... I'm much more than a face, damn it! And you should be fucking grateful and happy I'm still here, one way or another, but if you're not then maybe I should just let you move on with someone else who can always be the same!”

“It's not about your face being different, James! It's... I've got a right to mourn the life I had too, okay?! Because you might be back but nothing's the fucking same. I am happy you're back, you have no idea how blessed I feel, but that doesn't change the fact that while you focus on your new life and shut the door on the past life, I do live there, I go to work with people who think I'm a widow, to be in a workplace that constantly remind me of the joy of being there playing with you and I miss that! I get sad because I miss all we had! I miss spending the whole day with you at work, laughing while playing with you, trying to score on you during training, playing in front of you, going to events with you... I still have the life we built together, only that I have it with the massive hole of you no longer being a part of it, and it's very, very sad for me, okay? It sucks to keep going to events you should be with me in, and trainings, trips, interviews, etc... without you. To keep seeing the emptiness you've left all across the world I know, to have you exist only in the secrecy of our home... we were gay wives being gay icons, we did everything together and now—,”

“And you don't think I miss it too?! Do you think it's easier for me? I lost my whole career! I shut the past because if I keep staring at what I can't have, I'll never be happy again!”

“Why are we shouting?” Ali sighed, shaking her head, and stepped forward, cupping his face with her hands. “We feel the same way, James. We have no option but to try and move on, but it doesn't mean we're not sad about what we've lost... it doesn't make us ungrateful, it makes us human. I cry because it makes me sad, and I know you miss it too, and I'm not saying it's easier for you I'm just saying... you can just leave that life, I can't. Not like that. I go and hug fans who are still crying about you, and friends, and teammates, and colleagues... I do get the letters, the emails, the calls, the online posts... I live a life where everyone and everything constantly reminds me of the most tragic, painful day of my life, and just because I come home to you and get to forget about that for a while, it doesn't mean it's all good because I still have to get back to it. I'm still Ali Krieger. And I'm sorry I cried in your birthday, but it's just too recent for me, okay? I was just having a moment, but I wouldn't prefer you'd be dead, and I am happy to have your birthday with you, And... it's fantastic you're straight on feeling so happy, I promise I do too, I just needed five minutes to be sad for what's happened and what's lost before I can be happy again and celebrate your return, okay? I love you, I value you, I want you. Not anyone else, and certainly, not dead. You shouldn't be so horrible with me, let alone when deep inside you're sad too, the only difference is that I allow myself to feel it.”

Ali looked sad and disappointed to him and turned around, still sniffling, as she made her way upstairs. James puffed, letting the leashes fall and instead opening their backyard door for the doors to go and run. Then, he climbed the stairs slowly and found Ali sitting on their bed, taking deep breaths to calm herself leaning forward with her face against her palms and her elbows on her knees.

James walked quietly to her and sat on the bed, gently putting his arms around her and bringing her close.

“You're right,” he whispered, “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have shouted at you like that.” She nodded, and James pressed his lips against her shoulder. “You know how much I loved to look at pictures... but now I can't anymore, because every time I do, it doesn't match what I see in the mirror, and it makes me sad. I don't have baby pictures, or childhood memories... all I have are the strange ones of a guy who looks like me but it's not me, and the little girl I was who's dead. But you know what makes me a little less sad when I think of the things I can't do anymore, the people I can't talk with anymore? You. I always think that if I can just keep coming home to you, then I'll still be a very, very lucky person. I think that you're the one thing I couldn't live without... you're my life. I didn't stay alive just like that, I stayed alive because my heart beats for you and as long as you were still alive... then I had to be too. You're my everything, Alexandra.”

Ali nodded slowly and leaned against his embrace, wrapping her arms around his waist.

“I'm sorry I made you think I'd rather you were gone.”

“It's okay. It was stupid of me.”

“It kinda was,” they smiled a bit at each other, and James kissed her forehead.

“Is it really so horrible out there in our old world?” he asked after a moment of silence. Ali nodded again.

“Your community misses you so much and their pain... it gets me so hard. Satellite, and this city, and our club and USWNT, and football... they just miss you so much. And every time I see Meg Linehan, or any of our usual interviewers and all that... it's just like the pack is not complete, and I'm trying to be enough, but it just feels like without you is not enough.”

“I'm sorry,” James kissed her temple. “The season is over. You're retired now. Soccer is over. And now, I promise... we will find a way to be a pack again, okay? We won't be the A Team, we won't be gay icons... but we will be us and that will be enough.”

“We'll start over.”

“Yeah.” James sighed, squeezing her gently. “Listen, why don't you... write a letter? To Ashlyn, to your old life... to whatever feels right. Bid farewell to what you had, give it some closure. Maybe that will help.”

“That's actually a good idea. Tomorrow, I'll do it,” Ali turned to kiss him. “Thank you, birthday boy.” James smiled and shook his head.

“Do it now, so you feel better sooner.”

“But it's your birthday.”

“So? I have you 365 days a year, I sure can do without you for a couple hours,” James smiled warmly. “It'll be fine.”

“Thank you baby,” Ali kissed him again. “And for the record, my life sucked without you and I never want to live that again. I'm so excited about getting to celebrate your first birthday in your new life, together... and to be chosen by you every day.”

“I wouldn't have it any other way.”

The rest of the day went by smoothly. They had a romantic walk to the dog park with the hairy daughters, went to Satellite to celebrate with the family, partied and had some drinks... then returned home for some sex and private fun, and at last, Ali was beaming, looking down on James as he slept sweetly next to her. She kissed him and tucked him in bed before taking her phone and sitting up in bed. She had hours before taken a picture of the letter she had written, and now, after a whole day thinking what was she supposed to say publicly about Ashlyn's birthday, she knew that what she should do is post such picture, along with the picture of her newest tattoo, 'Ashlyn' written just above her heart under her left breast, and also with one of the most romantic pictures of the beginning of their relationship, of them both kissing on their first date, with Ashlyn's classic blonde long hair on display.

She put the phone back down when it was done and snuggled with James, closing her eyes, and falling asleep.

The letter went like this;

' _Dear Ash,_

_Today we will celebrate your 36_ _th_ _birthday, because celebrating life is important and there won't be an October 19_ _th_ _that goes by without smiling because it brought you into this world back in 1985. I get to smile because I remember the feeling of your lips, the feeling of being on the top of the world with you, of screaming our victories with you, of travelling the world with you, and playing in front of you. I remember your soft, gentle voice waking me up every now and then, and being the last I always heard before falling asleep, and how it turned loud and firm when you worked and helped us figure the play out. I smile, at the end of the day, because you are the best thing that ever happened to me, and I still can't believe you chose me, to do life with, to change my whole life, and to let me change yours. You always said I was your life, and it always made my heart swell proud and loving, but I never told you enough how you were my life too, and will always be._

_But sometimes, I also cry. You taught me being sad it's okay, and crying it's okay, so now I do it freely in a liberating way. I cry because I miss you shouting behind me on the field, I miss being the A Team and a Gay Icon when we were together in all sorts of events, interviews, celebrations, games, and even home with our families, I miss tracing the tattoos up and down your arms, your silly and funny voices making our godchildren laugh, I miss the professional life we shared and that was never the same without you, and seeing the way you changed every fan's life, often standing for a TWLOHA event to remind people that sadness is natural and okay, but that life is still worth it all, and we should always remember to smile and turn on the light._

_So Happy Birthday, my love. Thank you for blessing my life and this world with your light, and thank you for somehow, still making sure I laugh every day, for reminding me to love and be loved, for insisting, before you died, that I'd be happy and live a fulfilled life, that I'd fight to make my wildest dreams come true and to live for the both of us. You wanted to somehow be able to enjoy watching me thrive and find the glee again... and I promise you, you will. And somehow, you will always be a part of it, no matter what._

_I promise you, I will accomplish every promise I made you on your deathbed and just like I won't forget to smile... I won't let anyone forget either. Because you may be dead, but you happened, and that's something to be eternally happy for._

_Love you always, your Alex._ '


	22. One last time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy! thanks for sticking around and commenting!

**Chapter 22: One last time.**

On a cold November's night, Ali and James received a call to hurry to Satellite Beach, because Nana had been admitted into hospital after having fallen into a state of unconsciousness she didn't seem like she would wake up from. For several weeks, she had been deteriorating and now, at last, she was on oxygen support and would die in a matter of days, as Mahala had predicted. So James and Ali rushed there, and joined the crowd of sad relatives who went in and out of her room saying goodbyes, getting last kisses, and just being there, supporting the woman until her final breath.

James insisted on being there for every night shift, the hardest ones, despite his fear of hospitals, and on one particular night he sat, holding Nana's hand between his own, staring at her wrinkly face with her little curly hairs falling on her forehead. He had been like this for a while, when suddenly he noticed her eyes were open, and she was smiling tenderly at him, with tears in her eyes.

“Nana, hi,” James smiled warmly, forgetting they hadn't told her that he was Ashlyn. But to his surprise, Nana's smile grew and her hand moved to caress his cheek.

“Ashlyn, my baby girl... I thought I'd never see you again,” she whispered weakly. James looked surprised but then decided not to wonder, and merely smiled.

“How could I ever leave you? I'm always here for you, like you were for me. I love you.”

“I love you too...” the old woman's voice was weak, but she smiled nevertheless. “Congratulations on the baby.”

“What baby?” James asked, confused. He and Ali hadn't succeeded yet.

“Your daughter, you doofus. My great-granddaughter, I can't wait to see her...”

“Oh,” James was only more confused, but he smiled nevertheless. “Thank you, Nana. Why don't you rest for a bit, uh?”

“Yeah... I have to go...” Grandma Eunice's eyes started to close, and James felt the smell of death. He had when he died too. “Your Grandpa is waiting for me.”

“Yeah,” James caressed her face gently, “he's been waiting for a long time. You go, Nana. I promise it won't hurt. Just close your eyes and you'll be with him, somewhere beautiful.”

The old woman smiled small as she closed her eyes, and then her face relaxed, and a flat beep of the machines indicated she was gone.

**. . .**

The funeral was perhaps the saddest day of James' life, aside from his own funeral as Ashlyn. It was freezing cold, and he kept a strong arm around Ali's shoulders, feeling overprotective even though she was from the North and to her, it wasn't that cold. To anyone who saw them in public and didn't know who James actually was, they said he was a very good friend of both Ashlyn and Ali, who had wanted to show up for the special occasion, as he had adored Nana as well. Everyone had, though, so the funeral was as crowded as it could be.

Finally, in the intimacy of Ashlyn's father's house in Orlando, James sat with Ali and told her about what Nana had said. Ali frowned, confused but hopeful.

“Do you think...?”

“There's only one way to figure it out,” and for the first time in the sad day, James smiled small, reaching out a hand to squeeze hers. Ali looked down and their interlaced hands and grinned, nodding.

Both looked exhausted and saddened, but it wasn't that way as they got into the car and drove to the nearest pharmacy, where James quickly bought one of every pregnancy test available. At last, they sat in the bathroom back in Mike's house, locking the door, and waited until the sticks' results would come out. In the meantime, they sat holding hands.

“What if it's a negative?” Ali asked.

“We'll try again. But what Nana said has to mean something... I just know it.”

James kissed her cheek and at last, his phone rang telling them the mandatory waiting time had finished, as they had set a timer. James and Ali took a deep breath, and looked at the sticks. They had spent the waiting time reading the guides so they knew what each symbol on each different stick meant, and so when they looked at them, they knew right away. They stared back at each other, shocked, and then slowly Ali covered her mouth with her hands and started to grin, and James couldn't help but start laughing in relief.

“You're pregnant!” James celebrated, shaking her by the shoulders in excitement. “We're having a baby!”

“Oh my God!” Ali beamed, putting her hands around James' neck and bringing him in for a kiss, after which she giggled. “We're having a baby!”

James grinned, kissing her again and again. He was so happy.

“I can't believe it,” he murmured, hugging her tight. “I'm so happy.”

“Me too,” Ali snorted a laugh. “Good luck explaining our child Nana guessed he was coming.”

“She,” James corrected, separating just a little and beaming bigger. “We're having a baby girl.”

Ali's smile grew, caressing his cheeks.

“We're having a baby girl. A daughter,” she confirmed, kissing him once more.

**. . .**

**EPILOGUE. 4 YEARS LATER.**

“Ashlyn Eunice Krieger, I swear to God if you're jumping on the bed again...!” Ali shouted, rushing upstairs to her children's bedroom after hearing from the kitchen the sound of her baby girl falling off the bed. Ashlyn was prone to jumping, falling onto the hundreds of stuffed animals she'd throw on the floor -or throwing herself onto them on purpose- and then getting back on the bed jumping, despite her parents' numerous telling offs.

Her most rambunctious child, and also the eldest, flopped on the bed, pretending to not have just been jumping like she had been told not to do. The three year old was sneaky, but with those beautiful hazel eyes she had, and long dark, wavy hair, now chopped to her shoulder length, there was very little ability to chastise her. She was just so cute.

“Can we have Daddy's tale again?” little Ashlyn begged, with her tanned little chubby hands wrapped around Ali's neck as she managed to will the eldest woman to sit with her on the bed. Ali sighed, rolling her eyes but smiling. The kid drove her nuts sometimes, but God knew she loved her.

“Of course,” Ali assured. “Daddy's just getting your brothers ready for bed, so now you get that cute little butt underneath the covers and prepare to sleep too.”

The little girl giggled as Ali tickled her, and slid under the covers, getting her mother to tuck her in and kiss her forehead. Right then, they heard James' steps coming up the stairs carrying one of their more calm but still restless boys in each arm. The twins Wyatt Christopher and Daniel Kyle were quite physically alike to their sister, although both of them had a slightly lighter hair, and quite shorter, being only a year old. James looked tired, with one baby half-asleep against each shoulder, but his smile grew seeing his girls already cuddling in bed.

“Ah, all my loves in one room, lucky me,” James beamed, putting the littlest ones inside their cribs in the other side of the room and tucking them in, kissing them goodnight. At first, they had kept them in a separate room to Ashlyn's, but then Ashlyn would keep going to their room over night and sleeping on the floor with a blanket, just like Kyle and Ali would do when they were little, so they ended up putting them together, as Ashlyn didn't seem to mind about the twins' crying now and then.

“Daddy, Daddy, read me the tale!”

“The tale?” James pretended to be oblivious. “What tale?”

“My tale! Ashlyn's tale!” The parents exchanged a smile and he nodded, taking the colourful story book from their shelf and sitting on the armchair by the foot lamp while Ali spooned Ashlyn, both staring at him.

'Ashlyn the Angel' was Ashlyn's favourite story, and it was written and painted by no other than her father. During Ali's pregnancy, James had worked on the little story for kids, and had drawn himself all the little cartoon-like characters, filling the pages of colour and wonder and providing the sweetest present for Ali when their daughter was finally born. They both read it to Ashlyn, but somehow, the little one liked it the most when it was her Daddy reading it.

He cleared his throat and began.

“Once upon a time—,”

“No, from the start!” Ashlyn demanded. Ali and James exchanged a smile and he nodded, going back one page.

“'Ashlyn the Angel' story and art by James M. Krieger. Dedicated to my sweet daughter Ashlyn and to my lovely wife Alexandra, in honour of the amazing love story that brought us all together,” he read, and then passed the page, Ashlyn already smiling. “Once upon a time, two girls were playing soccer all the time. Alexandra was fast as lightning, with big tiger eyes, and would run across the field and try to score on Ashlyn, who jumped high like a dolphin every single time, to try and catch the ball,” James read softly. “The two girls were the best of friends, and over time, they fell in love. They would call each other every day, give each other meaningful presents, and whenever they could, they would go together to do something fun, like surfing together and walking along the beach, holding hands and stealing kisses, always making each other laugh. 'You are my life' Ashlyn would often tell her. 'I love you more than anything else in the world.' 'More than soccer?' Alexandra would ask 'More than bagels and more than surfing?' 'My love' Ashlyn often replied 'I love you more than soccer, more than bagels, more than surfing, and more than anything else in the world'. And so the two girls' love grew and grew, and time only made it stronger. They took care of each other when one fell ill, they made each other's life happier and more wonderful, they made each other laugh, and they pushed each other to be the best version of herself she could be, as true love should be. They were the most important person for each other. One day, Ashlyn decided Alexandra had to be the person she grew old with and spent the rest of her life with. So she bought her a beautiful—,”

“—ring! With diamonds shiny as the sun and clear as water, and their initials engraved inside,” Ashlyn completed by heart. James smiled and nodded.

“Correct,” he agreed. “'Ashlyn took her down the beach hand in hand, and made her laugh and feel loved all the way to a little picnic she had prepared for them,” James turned the book to show the little drawing of a blonde and a brunette woman sharing a peck on the lips by the waves. “And there she got on one knee, and said, 'My dearest Alexandra, I love you so much all I ever want to do is spend every sunrise and every sunset holding hands with you. I want us to grow old and wrinkly together and be a family, so please be my forever and I will be yours. Would you marry me?' 'Yes!' shouted Alexandra out of excitement 'All I want is to be with you, forever and ever!' As the two women became engaged, the sun and the moon were watching and understood there wasn't a love so pure, so they make a silent pact to make sure the two women in love would grow old and wrinkly together and be a family, and would always watch the sunrise and sunset together, for the rest of their lives. And for a long time, Alexandra and Ashlyn were happy and blissful, and had a little wedding by the ocean with all their loved ones present. Their lives were full of glee and joy, until one day, Ashlyn fell very, very ill.”

“No...” it was always little Ashlyn's most hated part.

“It's okay love, it ends well, you know it,” Ali reassured her, kissing the top of her head.

“Ashlyn was so ill, she could not play soccer, or surf, or eat bagels anymore, but Alexandra loved her no matter what, and the moon and the sun were so impressed nothing seemed to be able to damage their love. Eventually,” James read, trying to pass the ugly bits fast, “Ashlyn passed away and went to heaven, and Alexandra was left very sad and alone. But Ashlyn wasn't happy in heaven, knowing her wife and love of her life was so sad, so she pleaded with the sun and the moon to come back and take care of the woman she loved. Moved by the sadness of their story, and knowing how great their love was, the moon and the sun agreed and helped Ashlyn come back from heaven, and take care of her wife. Alexandra could never see her or hear her, but Ashlyn still remained by her side, making sure her life was as joyful as possible, making the birds sing for her wife, the sun shine harder, and the nights less alone, with her comforting company always there. At last, Alexandra was feeling better, and then she met a new person named Wyatt. He was handsome and kind, and Ashlyn knew he would treat her right, so every night when he went to sleep, she visited his dreams. 'You will love her and respect her, and she will be your life and nothing will ever be more important than her' Ashlyn told him time and time again. “You will be my hands that hold her, my lips that kiss her goodnight, and my voice that comforts her, you will be my presence in this Earth to keep her company and happy, until she and I can be reunited in heaven.' Wyatt promised to do so, and every day he spoke to Alexandra all the words Ashlyn whispered into his dreams, he held Alexandra with the gentleness Ashlyn told him about, and thanks to Ashlyn, Wyatt and Alexandra fell in love and became a very happy couple, with Ashlyn as an angel who always guarded their nights and accompanied them through their day, happy to see the woman she loved continue to find glee and joy, and be loved as she deserved. And then one day the love that grew between Wyatt and Alexandra produced a daughter, and with hearts full of gratitude and the knowledge that they owed it all to Ashlyn's love for Alexandra, they named the baby Little Ashlyn, with Angel Ashlyn always guarding the baby's dreams and protecting her through the day, every day. Eventually, Wyatt and Alexandra grew old and wrinkly together, with many grandchildren who loved them very much and never forgetting Ashlyn the Angel, and when she was very old, Alexandra finally passed away. Angel Ashlyn had always been by her side, so when this happened, they suddenly found each other together again. 'You're here' Alexandra said surprised, happily holding her greatest love. 'I never left' Ashlyn beamed at her. 'I was happy seeing you be happy, I made sure you had a new best friend to do life with, and I guarded your every dream. I still always loved you, and now I'm here to take you to heaven, where we will always be together.' Alexandra smiled and kissed her softly, before taking her hand and letting Ashlyn guide her to heaven, with the full knowledge that Ashlyn was her Angel, and as long as they were together, everything would be okay. The end.”

The story was both happy and sad, and it always made Ali a little bit emotional. Today Ashlyn was tired after a whole day playing ball in the beach, so when James looked up, he wasn't surprised to find her asleep. Ever since he had gotten the book made for her, it always was her favourite bed time story, but sometimes the little one was just too tired.

“I never asked,” said Ali after they kissed all their children goodnight and snuggled in their own bed in the next room. “What happened to Wyatt when Alexandra left with Ashlyn?”

“He lived a little more, and eventually he died too, and went to heaven with Ashlyn and Alexandra, happy to see his family, guard his children, and be best friends with the woman who loved his bride more than he could ever do. But I couldn't write that for a children's book.”

“I'm pretty sure not many editors would publish it as it is anyway,” Ali giggled, teasingly, and kissed him. “I love you baby.”

“I love you too.”

As the years passed, their lives were just better and better. James had become a model and often posed for photoshoots with Ali. Their marriage, that had secretly happened on the 2nd wedding anniversary of Ashlyn and Ali, wasn't made public (without saying how long had it been since it happened) until their daughter was two years old, and the public had long respected James as Ali had told their love story to the media; the lovely best friend of both Ashlyn and Ali who had made Ali's heart flutter with joy again, and made it possible for her to make true the last promise she had made to Ashlyn, to love and be loved again. So both grew as celebrities together, with Ali being the most famous and James merely a model, part time theatre actor now and then, and at home their children's favourite artist, and they covered the walls of pictures together, did interviews together, and he always supported her post-soccer career as a coach and sports commentator.

Their life was very, very happy, and like in the fairy tale, they had multiple grandchildren and grew old and wrinkly together. Their kids got to know who James really was, and kept the secret, and their minds wide open. At last, they were sleeping in bed, peacefully, in their early 100s, when they both woke up finding themselves unattached to their bodies. When Ali turned and saw not James' ghost, but Ashlyn's instead, she beamed, and the two spirits kissed and held for the first time ever.

“You were always Ashlyn deep inside, and the Universe decided after a well-lived life, you deserved to get her back,” Mahala said, appearing in front of them with a grin.

“Does this mean we can stay together forever? Move on to the beyond?” Ali asked, holding her wife. Both looked youthful again, full of life and happiness.

Mahala grinned and nodded.

“You're meant to be together. Always will be.”

“And our kids?” Ashlyn asked. “Our family?”

“They will be just fine. Now you both need to go, there are people waiting for you.”

She vanished and Ashlyn and Ali grinned at each other, holding hands and exchanging one last kiss, as they suddenly appeared in the beach, with a bright sunset in front of them.

“Together?” Ashlyn asked, looking at her.

“Always.”

And together, both women advanced towards the light to spend forever together.

  
  


THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Please remember Fanfic Authors are often unappreciated. Yes, we don't write best sellers, we write for love and we write for free, when we have time, through studies, jobs, life... we write because we love writing, but we CHOOSE to share what we write with you, so the least you can do is show your writers your appreciation. As you can see I spent a whole year writing without necessarily publishing, because like many others, I don't NEED to publish. I do it hoping it'll bring other people the joy it brings me to read and write. But it's up to you to keep updates going, and not make us feel like we might as well keep the work to ourselves. Thank you!


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